Feeling really torn and confused
Aug 5th 2019, 10:38 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 56
Feeling really torn and confused
Hi everyone, I need some kind ears to listen to me moan :/
I moved to Italy 1 year ago with my fiancé who's Italian but I'm really not happy here. I miss so much about the UK and feel like a shadow of my former self.
We are supposed to be getting married next month but I've been so triggered being here by so many things plus he is a big people pleaser and has been taken advantage of by 'friends' since we've been here. I feel like we both need to do more work on ourselves but with Brexshit looming, if we don't get married (wasn't the reason we chose to get married btw) then I won't be able to live here as I don't have a job so can't get residency.
I feel trapped as I have to rely on him for everything as I don't speak good enough Italian yet and I miss my independence. Plus I can't drive, but the driving here terrifies me anyway and I have no where to even drive to as i don't have any friends.
I don't like some of his friends, for the above reasons. One was rude to me once, Italians can be very direct and us English can take it as being rude, so I feel triggered by so many things here. I also don't like the culture, there's a lot of sexism, misogyny and racism and we live in a small city. I used to live in London for 20 years and I'm struggling to handle the mindset of people here. Also, we get woken up every morning at 6 by his family above us fighting and screaming at their kids and it really triggers me as I grew up in quite a traumatic environment.
I also can't stand all the flies and mosquitoes, I'm constantly bitten and nothing I take (vitamins or sprays) helps. Plus I find it too hot, we can't sleep at night as we sweat and if we leave the windows open it lets more flies in etc. It just makes me so irritable and not a nice person to live with too.
I love my partner so much but I can't sacrifice my happiness. He's said he doesn't want to move back to the UK though (he lived there for 6 years and that was how we met) because he was treated badly there too by employers and it's left a bad taste in his mouth.
His English has gotten worse since we've been here and I have to repeat everything I say at least twice and it's so draining. I'm not very good at learning languages and it doesn't help that all his friends and family are constantly on my case about learning. Plus they all speak dialect here anyway so even if I learn Italian I won't be able to understand them much!
I feel like my partner sees everything through rose-tinted glasses and failed to tell me all this stuff about Italy. I didn't even know about the dialect until we moved here, naive on my part but if you can't understand any Italian then how would you notice the difference between dialect and Italian?
I miss my friends and I'm an artist and feel like I'm already missing out on opportunities in the UK by being here. He has said I can go visit once a month for a week but every time I go back I spend too much money and we can't afford to. Plus it's very exhausting every time as it's like I'm living two extreme lives, when I go back I talk non stop and do so much as I want to live and enjoy my time there, then I return to the complete opposite and go all day without talking to anyone.
I think the next step is to discuss it with him but I'm worried as he usually bolts or shuts down whenever I tell him I'm not happy. I might try to find an online counsellor too. Any other advice or even just someone who can validate me?
I moved to Italy 1 year ago with my fiancé who's Italian but I'm really not happy here. I miss so much about the UK and feel like a shadow of my former self.
We are supposed to be getting married next month but I've been so triggered being here by so many things plus he is a big people pleaser and has been taken advantage of by 'friends' since we've been here. I feel like we both need to do more work on ourselves but with Brexshit looming, if we don't get married (wasn't the reason we chose to get married btw) then I won't be able to live here as I don't have a job so can't get residency.
I feel trapped as I have to rely on him for everything as I don't speak good enough Italian yet and I miss my independence. Plus I can't drive, but the driving here terrifies me anyway and I have no where to even drive to as i don't have any friends.
I don't like some of his friends, for the above reasons. One was rude to me once, Italians can be very direct and us English can take it as being rude, so I feel triggered by so many things here. I also don't like the culture, there's a lot of sexism, misogyny and racism and we live in a small city. I used to live in London for 20 years and I'm struggling to handle the mindset of people here. Also, we get woken up every morning at 6 by his family above us fighting and screaming at their kids and it really triggers me as I grew up in quite a traumatic environment.
I also can't stand all the flies and mosquitoes, I'm constantly bitten and nothing I take (vitamins or sprays) helps. Plus I find it too hot, we can't sleep at night as we sweat and if we leave the windows open it lets more flies in etc. It just makes me so irritable and not a nice person to live with too.
I love my partner so much but I can't sacrifice my happiness. He's said he doesn't want to move back to the UK though (he lived there for 6 years and that was how we met) because he was treated badly there too by employers and it's left a bad taste in his mouth.
His English has gotten worse since we've been here and I have to repeat everything I say at least twice and it's so draining. I'm not very good at learning languages and it doesn't help that all his friends and family are constantly on my case about learning. Plus they all speak dialect here anyway so even if I learn Italian I won't be able to understand them much!
I feel like my partner sees everything through rose-tinted glasses and failed to tell me all this stuff about Italy. I didn't even know about the dialect until we moved here, naive on my part but if you can't understand any Italian then how would you notice the difference between dialect and Italian?
I miss my friends and I'm an artist and feel like I'm already missing out on opportunities in the UK by being here. He has said I can go visit once a month for a week but every time I go back I spend too much money and we can't afford to. Plus it's very exhausting every time as it's like I'm living two extreme lives, when I go back I talk non stop and do so much as I want to live and enjoy my time there, then I return to the complete opposite and go all day without talking to anyone.
I think the next step is to discuss it with him but I'm worried as he usually bolts or shuts down whenever I tell him I'm not happy. I might try to find an online counsellor too. Any other advice or even just someone who can validate me?
Aug 5th 2019, 11:35 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2019
Location: France atm
Posts: 747
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
I will validate you. First, I do say italy is absolutly beautiful, romantic and italians are warm friendly and straight forward people.
You mention dialect. I lived for long peiods of time in Rome, Orvieto, South Puglia, central Calabria, Venice and Susa. Every dialect was so entirely different as to be, in most cases, impossible for me to understand and I do speak textbook Italian. Umbria and Rome are the closest to standard Italian. In Puglia and Calabria in the smaller towns we lived there were no people who spoke italian just dialect. So, yes, if you only have the internet and a few italian books, what good are they going to do? You still aren't able to communicate or be understood.
I also know the pain of being powerless while my husband had work and communications. I was extremely lonely. I buried myself in my painting and some social networking sites in the internet and became more and more isolated. I lived in Italy for about 8 years, three of those was when I studied in Rome, happier days in my younger days with plenty of english speaking students. We sort of lived roman life hanging on to the life boat with our english speaking friends. Some of my friends there married italian men. Either they changed themselves completely to adapt or ended up alone.
We left italy for a number of very good reasons and although italy is not worse than other european countries for settling, if noise is annoying to you, you may never find peace, especially the kind of quiet painting requires.
Sorry I cannot be a little more positive. Even knowing a lot of standard Italian it was very hard for me. I think being single could have been easier, but then I have to warn you that you will be swindled in countless ways if you have no man to watch after you. This is italy after all, in its true nature. The priorities won't be for them to change, it will be for you to change yourself to fit in and even when you do change, you will not ever be completely accepted. This is the experience of myself, and what my married to italian friends tell me. In fact, even here in france it is much the same with french anglo marraiges I believe. In france it is easier to get a job with fluent french, which takes years to learn, but from what I understand coworkers are more demanding and critical of anglos than their french workers.
I'm glad for you that you are looking realistically at these problems now not years later.
You mention dialect. I lived for long peiods of time in Rome, Orvieto, South Puglia, central Calabria, Venice and Susa. Every dialect was so entirely different as to be, in most cases, impossible for me to understand and I do speak textbook Italian. Umbria and Rome are the closest to standard Italian. In Puglia and Calabria in the smaller towns we lived there were no people who spoke italian just dialect. So, yes, if you only have the internet and a few italian books, what good are they going to do? You still aren't able to communicate or be understood.
I also know the pain of being powerless while my husband had work and communications. I was extremely lonely. I buried myself in my painting and some social networking sites in the internet and became more and more isolated. I lived in Italy for about 8 years, three of those was when I studied in Rome, happier days in my younger days with plenty of english speaking students. We sort of lived roman life hanging on to the life boat with our english speaking friends. Some of my friends there married italian men. Either they changed themselves completely to adapt or ended up alone.
We left italy for a number of very good reasons and although italy is not worse than other european countries for settling, if noise is annoying to you, you may never find peace, especially the kind of quiet painting requires.
Sorry I cannot be a little more positive. Even knowing a lot of standard Italian it was very hard for me. I think being single could have been easier, but then I have to warn you that you will be swindled in countless ways if you have no man to watch after you. This is italy after all, in its true nature. The priorities won't be for them to change, it will be for you to change yourself to fit in and even when you do change, you will not ever be completely accepted. This is the experience of myself, and what my married to italian friends tell me. In fact, even here in france it is much the same with french anglo marraiges I believe. In france it is easier to get a job with fluent french, which takes years to learn, but from what I understand coworkers are more demanding and critical of anglos than their french workers.
I'm glad for you that you are looking realistically at these problems now not years later.
Aug 5th 2019, 1:31 pm
#3
Concierge
Joined: Jan 2013
Location: Western Australia
Posts: 21,138
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
Read your post back. You feel you've lost your independence, you're not the person you used to be, you're finding it difficult to cope with the culture, the insects, the heat. You're irritable, you don't like yourself and you're not happy.
Definitely talk about all of this with your fiance, it's only fair to give him the opportunity to try to mitigate some of what you're experiencing and feeling. If he won't listen, then I think you have your answer.
I'm really sorry if that sounds blunt, but from the outside looking in it seems so clear to me. I do understand that you love him, but (and I say this with compassion for you) - sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. One life, that's all we get. Do whatever you need to do to be the happy, fulfilled person you used to be. Sending you a virtual hug.
Definitely talk about all of this with your fiance, it's only fair to give him the opportunity to try to mitigate some of what you're experiencing and feeling. If he won't listen, then I think you have your answer.
I'm really sorry if that sounds blunt, but from the outside looking in it seems so clear to me. I do understand that you love him, but (and I say this with compassion for you) - sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. One life, that's all we get. Do whatever you need to do to be the happy, fulfilled person you used to be. Sending you a virtual hug.
Aug 6th 2019, 6:38 am
#4
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 56
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
I will validate you. First, I do say italy is absolutly beautiful, romantic and italians are warm friendly and straight forward people.
You mention dialect. I lived for long peiods of time in Rome, Orvieto, South Puglia, central Calabria, Venice and Susa. Every dialect was so entirely different as to be, in most cases, impossible for me to understand and I do speak textbook Italian. Umbria and Rome are the closest to standard Italian. In Puglia and Calabria in the smaller towns we lived there were no people who spoke italian just dialect. So, yes, if you only have the internet and a few italian books, what good are they going to do? You still aren't able to communicate or be understood.
I also know the pain of being powerless while my husband had work and communications. I was extremely lonely. I buried myself in my painting and some social networking sites in the internet and became more and more isolated. I lived in Italy for about 8 years, three of those was when I studied in Rome, happier days in my younger days with plenty of english speaking students. We sort of lived roman life hanging on to the life boat with our english speaking friends. Some of my friends there married italian men. Either they changed themselves completely to adapt or ended up alone.
We left italy for a number of very good reasons and although italy is not worse than other european countries for settling, if noise is annoying to you, you may never find peace, especially the kind of quiet painting requires.
Sorry I cannot be a little more positive. Even knowing a lot of standard Italian it was very hard for me. I think being single could have been easier, but then I have to warn you that you will be swindled in countless ways if you have no man to watch after you. This is italy after all, in its true nature. The priorities won't be for them to change, it will be for you to change yourself to fit in and even when you do change, you will not ever be completely accepted. This is the experience of myself, and what my married to italian friends tell me. In fact, even here in france it is much the same with french anglo marraiges I believe. In france it is easier to get a job with fluent french, which takes years to learn, but from what I understand coworkers are more demanding and critical of anglos than their french workers.
I'm glad for you that you are looking realistically at these problems now not years later.
You mention dialect. I lived for long peiods of time in Rome, Orvieto, South Puglia, central Calabria, Venice and Susa. Every dialect was so entirely different as to be, in most cases, impossible for me to understand and I do speak textbook Italian. Umbria and Rome are the closest to standard Italian. In Puglia and Calabria in the smaller towns we lived there were no people who spoke italian just dialect. So, yes, if you only have the internet and a few italian books, what good are they going to do? You still aren't able to communicate or be understood.
I also know the pain of being powerless while my husband had work and communications. I was extremely lonely. I buried myself in my painting and some social networking sites in the internet and became more and more isolated. I lived in Italy for about 8 years, three of those was when I studied in Rome, happier days in my younger days with plenty of english speaking students. We sort of lived roman life hanging on to the life boat with our english speaking friends. Some of my friends there married italian men. Either they changed themselves completely to adapt or ended up alone.
We left italy for a number of very good reasons and although italy is not worse than other european countries for settling, if noise is annoying to you, you may never find peace, especially the kind of quiet painting requires.
Sorry I cannot be a little more positive. Even knowing a lot of standard Italian it was very hard for me. I think being single could have been easier, but then I have to warn you that you will be swindled in countless ways if you have no man to watch after you. This is italy after all, in its true nature. The priorities won't be for them to change, it will be for you to change yourself to fit in and even when you do change, you will not ever be completely accepted. This is the experience of myself, and what my married to italian friends tell me. In fact, even here in france it is much the same with french anglo marraiges I believe. In france it is easier to get a job with fluent french, which takes years to learn, but from what I understand coworkers are more demanding and critical of anglos than their french workers.
I'm glad for you that you are looking realistically at these problems now not years later.
was really lovely to read that! I definitely couldn't survive here if I was single, that would terrify me. I'm lucky that it's pretty quiet here in the day, after the screaming match has ended
so one good thing is I'm getting a lot of painting done. If I went back to the UK I wouldn't be able to be a full time artist and I'd have to find a job. it's difficult as it's swings and roundabouts, I'll swap one negative for another. But then having apart time job would be good for having a social life again so..There is a lot to love about Italy, it's always been one of my favourite holiday destinations but it's one thing to be on holiday here and quite another to live. I feel like my partner sees things through rose-tinted glasses, I've heard others' married to Italians say the same, and I feel a bit annoyed that he didn't tell me any of these difficulties. I do wonder if I'd feel differently if we lived near a bigger city but he doesn't want to.
That's interesting you swapped Italy for France. Do you feel happier and less lonely there? Not that i'd move to France. I'm just wondering what I can do to mitigate some of the negatives here to give it a chance.
Aug 6th 2019, 6:49 am
#5
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 56
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
Read your post back. You feel you've lost your independence, you're not the person you used to be, you're finding it difficult to cope with the culture, the insects, the heat. You're irritable, you don't like yourself and you're not happy.
Definitely talk about all of this with your fiance, it's only fair to give him the opportunity to try to mitigate some of what you're experiencing and feeling. If he won't listen, then I think you have your answer.
I'm really sorry if that sounds blunt, but from the outside looking in it seems so clear to me. I do understand that you love him, but (and I say this with compassion for you) - sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. One life, that's all we get. Do whatever you need to do to be the happy, fulfilled person you used to be. Sending you a virtual hug.
Definitely talk about all of this with your fiance, it's only fair to give him the opportunity to try to mitigate some of what you're experiencing and feeling. If he won't listen, then I think you have your answer.
I'm really sorry if that sounds blunt, but from the outside looking in it seems so clear to me. I do understand that you love him, but (and I say this with compassion for you) - sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. One life, that's all we get. Do whatever you need to do to be the happy, fulfilled person you used to be. Sending you a virtual hug.
I don't know, it's hard moaning to people back home as they think I'm lucky to not have to work and live in a beautiful country. I think also it makes a difference that I moved here out of necessity rather than a burning desire to live in Italy.
I'll talk to him when the times right and see what he says. He doesn't seem that happy being here I have to say, his job is really stressful and we are struggling to find a better life. Our intention was to start a dog boarding business as that's his background but finding the right property is impossible. But finding the same in the UK is even more impossible as it's too expensive for us. Plus I worry after brexit how easy it might be for him to go back with me to live there.
Aug 6th 2019, 9:58 am
#6
Still alive
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,994
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
Read back your post and imagine it was written by someone else. What advice would you give them?
I'm very sorry you're so unhappy in Italy. I haven't been, but I have been told it's a beautiful country. However, as another Dorothy said (very wise us Dorothys ) "there's no place like home".
I'm very sorry you're so unhappy in Italy. I haven't been, but I have been told it's a beautiful country. However, as another Dorothy said (very wise us Dorothys
) "there's no place like home".
Aug 6th 2019, 3:39 pm
#7
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 56
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
Read back your post and imagine it was written by someone else. What advice would you give them?
I'm very sorry you're so unhappy in Italy. I haven't been, but I have been told it's a beautiful country. However, as another Dorothy said (very wise us Dorothys ) "there's no place like home".
I'm very sorry you're so unhappy in Italy. I haven't been, but I have been told it's a beautiful country. However, as another Dorothy said (very wise us Dorothys
) "there's no place like home".
Aug 6th 2019, 9:20 pm
#8
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 6,848
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
To be honest, I would definitely postpone your wedding next month. You are clearly not ready for such a massive commitment and far better to take time to think things through - no matter how long it takes - than end up in a disastrous marriage which would be a nightmare for you to get a divorce (especially if you have children and can’t remove them from Italy) when you don’t fully understand the language.
It may even be better for you to return to the UK, with or without him.
It may even be better for you to return to the UK, with or without him.
Sep 2nd 2019, 4:12 am
#9
Just Joined
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 19
Re: Feeling really torn and confused
The only way through this is to confront your boyfriend/husband with all of this.
Despite what people say, when couples fight and argue about stuff as important as this it can strengthen the relationship... or it can break it.
Both outcomes are better for you because the alternative is ongoing internal resentment which is the worst thing for a relationship.
You can be the captain of your ship or a passenger sone one else's.
Despite what people say, when couples fight and argue about stuff as important as this it can strengthen the relationship... or it can break it.
Both outcomes are better for you because the alternative is ongoing internal resentment which is the worst thing for a relationship.
You can be the captain of your ship or a passenger sone one else's.
