Difficulty coping with separation
Sep 24th 2009, 4:00 am
#31
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 36
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Check your detection equipment, luv, it ain't working correctly.
No resentment or bitterness. I will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary on Saturday. We have gone the K-1, I-485, N-400 route and have been long finished with USCIS for 6 years now.
I just couldn't and still can't understand the mentality of people who think that falling in love means you can't live or do things without being together 24/7.
Maturity is not subjective. You can be 10 and be mature and you can be 35 and be immature. Maturity is the ability to look at a situation and work with it and through it. It means not wanting or requiring instant gratification and knowing that nothing in life is permanent. Not the emotion you are feeling now, the security you are currently enjoying or the status you are in.
No resentment or bitterness. I will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary on Saturday. We have gone the K-1, I-485, N-400 route and have been long finished with USCIS for 6 years now.
I just couldn't and still can't understand the mentality of people who think that falling in love means you can't live or do things without being together 24/7.
Maturity is not subjective. You can be 10 and be mature and you can be 35 and be immature. Maturity is the ability to look at a situation and work with it and through it. It means not wanting or requiring instant gratification and knowing that nothing in life is permanent. Not the emotion you are feeling now, the security you are currently enjoying or the status you are in.
Sep 24th 2009, 6:26 am
#32
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Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 308
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
It will be so nice when there are no more goodbyes. However, then (I believe) the hard work really starts. Life and love aren't easy but it is a journey that is over all too quickly.
Sep 25th 2009, 1:50 am
#35
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Joined: Sep 2009
Location: St Albans, UK
Posts: 35
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Glad to see this thread has taken a change for the better! Being new to this site I didn't like seeing people taking digs at each other...just didn't seem right to me!
Regardless, being apart from your partner is difficult...
After going 4 1/2 years in a long distance relationship between NYC and London I have finally been living in the UK since Feb. It has been the best thing ever to be able to see my husband every single day and not have to speak to him over a phone line or behind a computer screen. There has something to be said though for working through a long distance relationship. It makes you stronger. It makes you have to get to know eachother inside and out in a very different way than the "normal" relationship would allow you to.
Anyway, jeepgirl...hope you and your boyfriend get to be living in the same place soon! Keep the faith!
Regardless, being apart from your partner is difficult...
After going 4 1/2 years in a long distance relationship between NYC and London I have finally been living in the UK since Feb. It has been the best thing ever to be able to see my husband every single day and not have to speak to him over a phone line or behind a computer screen. There has something to be said though for working through a long distance relationship. It makes you stronger. It makes you have to get to know eachother inside and out in a very different way than the "normal" relationship would allow you to.
Anyway, jeepgirl...hope you and your boyfriend get to be living in the same place soon! Keep the faith!
Sep 25th 2009, 2:01 am
#36
Instigator of the Post
Joined: May 2008
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 501
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Agree with many of the suggestions. Skype was our lifeline. We talked nearly every night for 2 or 3 hours. It doesn't replace having your loved one with you, but at least you can share the (often mundane) details of your day and be involved in each other's lives. All for free. 
Sep 27th 2009, 8:21 pm
#37
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Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Decided to join in on this thread...
Long-distance relationships tend to have numerous problems, distance, money, time (together/zones), other peoples views/opinions, trust and more.
Everyone deals with things differently, and finding what works best for you and your OH is important.
Not everyone has the money to fly to the US from their home country often, I know myself and my hubby did the best we could, we worked all hours of the day and night, and both had 2 jobs at one point, we put all the money we had into the K1 visa process, a lawyer to help and the flights back and forth to visit meanwhile. It was far from easy, especially getting time off both jobs to do so, but we managed. We agreed to not buy eachother expensive gifts for birthdays/christmas/valentines, but instead put the money towards being together. We flew when there asnt important dates like Thanksgiving and spring break to get the best deals on flights and hotels.
Time zones also didnt help, 6 hour time difference meant sometimes we went a week without talking, and other times we went without sleep to catch up. We ended up doing our best to get jobs in our home countries roughly at the same time. This worked for a while till we had 2 jobs each then it went out the window. We got international phone plans and did our best with phone calls and txts, a webcam and teamspeak (a mic program). We often wrote eachother long romantic emails instead of snail mail, using them to open up and speak anything on our mind. These really helped release the stress of being apart.
When I first told my parents i was going to move to the US and get married they laughed it off. I tried to point out I was serious and they just ignored me. When I told them I had hired a lawyer to help with the visa and the process was underway they told me they wanted nothing to do with it and wouldnt come to the wedding. Needless to say this broke my heart and for a long period my parents and I didnt talk. I decided not to stop the visa and to continue with what I felt was best for me. My parents had met my husband once they hadnt bothered to spend time with him on other visits as they didnt deem the relationship as serious. My husbands family on the other hand were incredibly excited and happy for us, they had always been extremely welcoming and I was very gratefull for their support. They paid for my wedding dress as part of the wedding present and helped get contacts for churches and many other things. When I returned from that trip I told my parents I had my dress and my parents sat down with me and discussed what i was doing with my life. They ended up deciding as I was going ahead with it they wanted to be a part of it and they ended up driving me to my K1 interview, helping with paying for things, and they both came to the wedding. I had people at work critise my choice of a long distance relationship, but my parents hurt the most so what people said at work didnt bother me.
When it comes to trust, its one of the things thats at the top of the list of importance for long distance realtionships, many people asked me if I trusted my husband, and "what if hes cheating on you?" and so forth. I believed in my heart he wasnt, and that hasnt changed, It didnt matter what other people beleived or questioned, it was upto me to decide if I trusted him, and I did. Dont think "what if", there is no room for that in ANY relationship.
If I had to give a list of things to help with distance mine would be
*Trust, without doubt or suspicion.
*Be open, if your stressed or fed up, write a nice long email, be honest and open about how you feel or whatevers on your mind. Dont bottle things up.
*Work together, the visa thing is difficult to navigate at times, and if theres a slight hitch it can really get you down. Get your OH on these forums to help search for information, make it a joint effort all the way!
*Believe in your relationship, ignore other peoples opinions, they dont understand what your going through, dont let their words hurt you.
*Be Strong, theres many people out there going through the same process, or have gone through it, we have threads full of information here and if you have questions dont hesitate to ask
Long-distance relationships tend to have numerous problems, distance, money, time (together/zones), other peoples views/opinions, trust and more.
Everyone deals with things differently, and finding what works best for you and your OH is important.
Not everyone has the money to fly to the US from their home country often, I know myself and my hubby did the best we could, we worked all hours of the day and night, and both had 2 jobs at one point, we put all the money we had into the K1 visa process, a lawyer to help and the flights back and forth to visit meanwhile. It was far from easy, especially getting time off both jobs to do so, but we managed. We agreed to not buy eachother expensive gifts for birthdays/christmas/valentines, but instead put the money towards being together. We flew when there asnt important dates like Thanksgiving and spring break to get the best deals on flights and hotels.
Time zones also didnt help, 6 hour time difference meant sometimes we went a week without talking, and other times we went without sleep to catch up. We ended up doing our best to get jobs in our home countries roughly at the same time. This worked for a while till we had 2 jobs each then it went out the window. We got international phone plans and did our best with phone calls and txts, a webcam and teamspeak (a mic program). We often wrote eachother long romantic emails instead of snail mail, using them to open up and speak anything on our mind. These really helped release the stress of being apart.
When I first told my parents i was going to move to the US and get married they laughed it off. I tried to point out I was serious and they just ignored me. When I told them I had hired a lawyer to help with the visa and the process was underway they told me they wanted nothing to do with it and wouldnt come to the wedding. Needless to say this broke my heart and for a long period my parents and I didnt talk. I decided not to stop the visa and to continue with what I felt was best for me. My parents had met my husband once they hadnt bothered to spend time with him on other visits as they didnt deem the relationship as serious. My husbands family on the other hand were incredibly excited and happy for us, they had always been extremely welcoming and I was very gratefull for their support. They paid for my wedding dress as part of the wedding present and helped get contacts for churches and many other things. When I returned from that trip I told my parents I had my dress and my parents sat down with me and discussed what i was doing with my life. They ended up deciding as I was going ahead with it they wanted to be a part of it and they ended up driving me to my K1 interview, helping with paying for things, and they both came to the wedding. I had people at work critise my choice of a long distance relationship, but my parents hurt the most so what people said at work didnt bother me.
When it comes to trust, its one of the things thats at the top of the list of importance for long distance realtionships, many people asked me if I trusted my husband, and "what if hes cheating on you?" and so forth. I believed in my heart he wasnt, and that hasnt changed, It didnt matter what other people beleived or questioned, it was upto me to decide if I trusted him, and I did. Dont think "what if", there is no room for that in ANY relationship.
If I had to give a list of things to help with distance mine would be
*Trust, without doubt or suspicion.
*Be open, if your stressed or fed up, write a nice long email, be honest and open about how you feel or whatevers on your mind. Dont bottle things up.
*Work together, the visa thing is difficult to navigate at times, and if theres a slight hitch it can really get you down. Get your OH on these forums to help search for information, make it a joint effort all the way!
*Believe in your relationship, ignore other peoples opinions, they dont understand what your going through, dont let their words hurt you.
*Be Strong, theres many people out there going through the same process, or have gone through it, we have threads full of information here and if you have questions dont hesitate to ask
Sep 28th 2009, 7:55 am
#38
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Joined: Jun 2009
Location: North Georgia (from Hertfordshire)
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Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Sep 28th 2009, 8:28 am
#39
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 46,474
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Thank you for saying that - i've been trying to convince my mother of that for many months... as someone else said... people say "when's he coming over then?" and "perhaps its not meant to be"... but by God, if we arent sure, after these potential years of separation before we are together, then i dont know what sure is
LOL and not at you but the thought. From the inception of the forum back in 1997/1998, that was the prevailing thought. You don't want to know the number of marriages that have dissolved regardless of the length of immigration people had endure.
Sep 28th 2009, 8:40 am
#40
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 14,049
Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Amen, Rete. Being sure is when you have to actually live with someone, deal with them face-to-face, and deal with their habits and ideosynchracies day after day after day after day.
Such things can become more endearing as time goes on, or they can push one to the breaking point as expressed so elegantly in the 3rd part of Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
Nothing ruins a good fantasy like actually experiencing it!
Regards, JEff
Such things can become more endearing as time goes on, or they can push one to the breaking point as expressed so elegantly in the 3rd part of Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
Nothing ruins a good fantasy like actually experiencing it!
Regards, JEff
Thank you for saying that - i've been trying to convince my mother of that for many months... as someone else said... people say "when's he coming over then?" and "perhaps its not meant to be"... but by God, if we arent sure, after these potential years of separation before we are together, then i dont know what sure is
Sep 28th 2009, 8:53 am
#41
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Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Thank you for saying that - i've been trying to convince my mother of that for many months... as someone else said... people say "when's he coming over then?" and "perhaps its not meant to be"... but by God, if we arent sure, after these potential years of separation before we are together, then i dont know what sure is
Sep 30th 2009, 3:17 am
#42
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Re: Difficulty coping with separation
Sep 30th 2009, 3:18 am
#43
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