mayb

I know no one can help me make this huge decision but feel free to shed some advice...

My husband (uk citizen) and I (us citizen) met 7 years ago and dated off and on, more off due to the distance and me having a complete understanding from day 1 what a marriage would require from 2 people with strong home and family ties on different continents. He was always convinced he could live here in the US and he wanted me more than anything and it would work no matter what. I knew at the time that was a young, naive way of thinking but I loved him so went with it.

I relocated to Scotland for 2 years because he felt that it was important I got to know where he was from and his family before we permanently settled in the US for good. While in Scotland I had the best 2 years of my life, we were so happy, I felt so loved and supported by his family. I cried the day I moved back to Texas, I wasn't ready to come back but we felt like we were living in limbo and needed to feel permanently settled.

We have now been in Texas for a year 1/2 but we are both yearning to go back to Scotland. Of course, I have always told myself I would never permanently live abroad, I have parents to think about and I want to take care of them when they get older, I have best friends here who have kids that I want to see grow up.

Another con in my opinion is the cost of living is so high and wages are so low in the UK. But what good is money anyway if you don't get the vacation time you need? We are both finding the lack of vacation time in the US very difficult. I'm currently in a position where I'm making great money but only get 5 days off a year. It almost seems criminal.

We want kids and I'm scared to have kids in the UK... 5/10 years down the line end up divorced or extremely home sick or both and I'm now tied to the UK until my children are old enough. Also, they would be British at heart, what if they never want to relocate to the US? I mean all of this is assuming I do get home sick at some point in my life but I've felt at home in Scotland from day 1 and I never had the desire to come back so I just don't know.

There is just something about the cooler climate, the fresher produce, the beautiful scenery, being close to the sea, walking on the beach every day. I've never felt so happy and healthy as I did while living there. Really the entire hold up is my parents, I just have extreme guilt about leaving them.

Also, I will lose my husband. He doesn't want to settle here, he has made up his mind, I can see him regretting getting tied ot the US for the rest of his life so I've said either I go back with him or we divorce now but we love each other so much and what if we never find love and partnerships like this again?

I should have listened to my mom when she begged me not to go live in the UK, she told me I would meet someone and it wouldn't end well and here I am!!

Rosie Lee

Haven't you answered you own question several times. The only thing that is really worrying you is your parents. I Would suggest you make your move, as that is clearly where you sound happiest, but factor in a return trip every 18 months. That way you should still have enough vacation time for holidays into Europe as we'll.

Isismom

We all make mistakes, over and over, life is full of what ifs and wishes too, whatever you do you will wish you had chosen different, thats life!

I think you have to make the move or you will always wonder, your parents will be there for you Im sure if you want or need to move back

fulwood

I think you have more or less answered your own question. You have to live your life and Scotland is where you want to be. I don't know your age but surely parents aren't that old right now? If not don't worry about them yet. Their time will come and then you can worry about them. I bet if you asked they would say spread your wings and fly. If not, still do it anyway. Life is so fragile and short..

not2old

my response to your post is 'gobsmacked', for the following reasons

just those points above that I have edited from your post seems that you want failure, that you want to loose your husband, that you really really don't want to move to the UK & leave your parents?

Am I correct or seeing this all wrong?

I also read into this that [maybe]things are not going so well with the two of you?

There you go, that is my personal impression, short sweet & straight to the point.

Now, my take is that when two people love each other so much - they will move mountains to do whatever it takes to be together unselfishly.

My wife & I emigrated away from the UK at a young age, we brought her parents over. 10 years later we were on the move. In fact we emigrated to another country away from this one, so it made us 2nd & third time immigrants. We had a 2 year old child when we left Canada to emigrate to OZ then NZ leaving her parents (then in their 50's) in Canada & my mother a widow in the UK.

A few years after out time away, on our return back to Canada in the mid 80's, we started moving around again with me working stateside & in the Far East (dragging my wife & kids along or they not seeing me for months on end). Long periods of absence, with my wifes parents not seeing the second grandchild.

Today we are stuck,in our late 60's taking care of my father-in-law, who is about to be 96 year old. We want to move away & travel - but are tied like nurses & carers. My wife won't go around the block without the worry of her Dad.

Our children all grown up demand we just 'do it' and take off the way we did back in the late 70's & 80's. We are not selfish & understand we've had our go & experience of doing what was right & foolish when we were younger.

We are young in mind & heart, we don't 'doom & gloom' or think about what others think or do. Our only exception & we accept it is waiting for my father in law to pop his clogs (bless him). I said to my wife that he will outlive us both

Now, from that, I trust your decision has become easier?

SanDiegogirl

You've been asking questions about your situation since you moved back to the US in early 2014, and do not see to have made any progress.

You have also been told that you would need to apply for a spouse visa for the UK due to you letting your original one lapse.

One question you should be asking is can your husband sponsor you for a spouse visa bearing in mind the new financial requirements? This might have an influence on whether you continue to 'dream' about moving back to Scotland.

mayb

not2old - You are correct in assuming things are not going well for us in the sense that my husband has not taken this move very well. Our marriage has struggled due to what I feel is depression on his part due to the move. We are working on it because we love each other and it is getting better but homesickness is still nagging at him. I don't want this marriage to fail but I am a very practical person and if logistically we both need to be in our home countries than we need to accept that. My only reason for really feeling the need to stay in the US is because of my parents, but as someone has already suggested in this post and based on your own life experiences, that is something to think about a little further down the road. The truth is we both speak to his parents on an almost daily basis and I sometimes go weeks without seeing mine despite them living just down the road which makes me think why are we here and not there? I miss the uk with all my heart and if life were that easy I would pack my bags and head back tomorrow.

SanDiegoGirl it`s funny you mention I have already made this post before, I just searched my old posts and realize now I sound like a broken record! I am the prime example of why you should never say never. "I will never ever want to live anywhere other than Texas!"... When people on this board were encouraging me to apply for IRL before I left "just in case" I thought that was a giant waste of money becuase surely we were never coming back!

I need to look into the new visa requirements as we both seem pretty set on this move back. My husband makes over the salary requirement here and we have a feeling he could go back to his old employment in Scotland where he was making enough over the minimum requirement, if not his dad has a sucessful business and I know he could take him on immediately.

We both want children and are already in our early 30's so staying here for another 2 or 3 years before he gets his citizenship just doesn't seem practical. I think if we would have went into this with an open heart instead of mindless robots thinking we HAD to move back to the US no matter what we may not be in this position but I guess that's life, figuring things out the hard way.

not2old

now I'll take a more complacent approach.

We were 31 & 40 when our two were born

Our daughter & her husband (have no kids) both 29, are already in the works to sell up & move to Europe next year.

We blessed them & said - go for it

His parents live here & fear the loss of their youngest Son

You know your options, you know the world is a small place & like many on these boards - the expats that left family behind & have come to the US, Canada, Australia, NZ, SA or some other place, have left family behind in the UK or wherever. They have moved with children, some in there teens & admittedly did or do not have the available options open to you & your husband who, have family on each side of the pond.

Tell yer what. speak to your family & tell them you are emigrating & that you will call often, they can come visit. Take it that its a 2 year window (one day at a time) because this move will take 2-years for you to settle.

And if something happens to your parents, then you deal with it like those who have left the UK & have to return for whatever family situation arises.

On your horses, get the visa & financial issues sorted & report back when you get to the UK - or, stay put & deal with the consequences. Its one or the other, there is no middle ground IMO

Over & out

Good luck to you both

MrsEgeland

What's the worst that could happen? You could get homesick, and or your parents could need you're help as they get older. Yes children might make a move back to the US more difficult, but lots of things make things more difficult. Nothing is simple, I've emigrated 5 times in the last 15 years and none of those time was easy. If you don't go you might lose your husband anyway, if you do and it doesn't work out, at least you'll know you did everything to hold on to the love you have. My american friend is home in the US right now, grieving that she should come back to Norway because of the way the system is set up in the US with children. She says she'd rather be homesick and have the luxuries of being able to leave work if her kids are sick than not be able too. What I'm saying is there are Pro's and Con's for having children in both countries. Take the leap while you both are lucky enough to want the same thing, and free of too many responsibilities.

mayb

Wow, this really summed it up and really touched my heart, thank you for such a thoughtful response. I think what it really comes down to is trying everything to make this marriage work and keep us both as happy as possible and if we both feel happy in the UK, then why not try it ?

Also, kids are a huge priority and raising them in the US seems like a horrible idea, I can't imagine only being entitled to 6 weeks maternity leave or if I were to stay in my current position zero maternity leave.

Truly, thank you for taking the time to write that!

jenninedinburgh

You have to do what is right for you - and you know in your heart what is right for you. Sometimes it is not easy to see or accept - but you do really know deep down there somewhere.

A word of caution - please consider giving your marriage some time to see if it is going to work out before having kids. You really need to take the time to see if this is a simple matter of location - or indeed something else in your relationship. Children will only complicate matters if it turns out to be that you aren't right for each other. As previous posters have noted, there are some alarming words used in your initial post like 'divorce' etc. In a previous life, I have been where you are (and thankfully I did not have children with my ex) and although we had several thousand conversations about which country to live, at the end of the day, it turned out that we just weren't right for each other and it had absolutely nothing to do with our location.

I've lived in Scotland since 2007 and met my American husband here (a few years after the failed marriage mentioned above). After having to travel home the last few months when my father was placed in hospice care and him subsequently dying a few weeks ago, I've decided that family (and being closer to them) is most important to me. Yeah the vacation time sucks and so do some other aspects of the USA - but all places have their issues.

All I am trying to say is to do what is right for YOU - don't look back and if it's a mistake, move on - but please make sure it is the right relationship and it's going to last a long time before having kids.

Novocastrian

Let me add to this. My MIL was french, my FIL is english. They got married in 1948 and by 1950 were living in Tanganika (where my wife was born). After independence they returned to the UK not yet 40 and remained there.

Later, my wife and I met, married, and upped sticks in 1977 to California. Our elder son was born there and the younger one in Canada a bit later. I've followed my career north & south, east & west for 38 years now.

All sounds like a recipe for familial disaster doesn't it? Quite the opposite. All three generations of both extended families, in England (and Scotland), France and Canada are very close.

I retire soon and we (myself & my wife) will split our time between France and the UK, leaving both sons in Canada.

Both of them will be fine, as we will.

Life's lesson learned.

not2old

from your post above

I don't understand & maybe its me - why folks get 'het up' around wanting to move to a place, then use parents or children as 'road block excuses' to not 'go do it'?

Never once from the day we ffirst emigrated, to moving to other places or countries did we factor in parents or children's issues - we simply did what was best for our lives lived.

Everyone else within the family & extended circle survived without us & carried on their own lives.

Novocastrian

Moreover, when you and I made these moves, at least to begin with, times were such that there was only the postal service for keeping in touch: transatlantic phone calls, let alone transatlantic travel, were prohibitively expensive.

In the last half generation technology has changed the world so much that "emigrating" is easy-peasy in comparison.

Today's young would-be emigrés should bear in mind that by the time they have grown children, the world will again be very different from now.

Beam me over Scotty.

not2old

I was in Canada when my younger sister & her husband did the £10 (one way) voyage emigrating to Australia in 1970. Family all said that they'd never see them again - in fact it was 25 years later before she visited the UK. She has since only made two visits.

'its a small world after all'

If its wasn't for my 96 year old FIL, we'd be off in a heartbeat... because we want to spend the rest of our healthy lives living it without having to thinking about other people. Novo, make sure you have some room for us in France when the time comes