jane-h

Hello, I have been reading the various posts on this site and found them most helpful so thought I would post my dilemma out there to see what insight came back.....I was born in London, moved to the US (NYC) in my mid-20's, then moved to Scottsdale, Arizona in my late 30's with my former husband. After my divorce I decided to stay as I had a good job and could buy my own home. I never truly adapted to the 'desert' but didn't have the courage to give up the security and stability I had although I yearned to come 'home'. I visited the UK annually to see my mother and always had a difficult time adjusting to being back in the US. Although I had good friends in the US I always felt somewhat alone as it wasn't my culture or place of birth. An opportunity arose for me to return to the UK when I was made redundant from my job of 10 years and I met my current partner who lives in London. Being somewhat cautious, I rented out my house, put my belongings into storage (including my car) and after 28 years in the US moved back to London, with my cat who I couldn't leave in storage. And what a shock it was. I could not believe how upset I felt about giving up my friends, my home, my life even though it was something I had wanted to do. I found living back in London quite a culture shock and found it hard to find a job - moved back at a difficult time. It didn't help that we just had the coldest and longest winter in 30+ years and the relationship with my partner was not working out as well as I had hoped. I spent the past year wanting to return to the US now I have a flight booked to return next Friday - 19th June and I suddenly have cold feet, very cold feet. Suddenly London doesn't seem so bad. I read on this site about a phenomenon called Reverse Culture Shock. I wish I had known about this when I moved here last year - I would have been kinder to myself and had a better understanding of the feelings I was going through. I basically thought I was having a nervous breakdown. The status of my relationship hasn't improved but I'm still not sure going back to the US is the answer. The concerns I had about growing old, potentially alone, in the US are still there, and the cost of health care frightens me. I tend to worry (if you haven't already guessed) and I realise I should live in the 'now' and not worry about being old and alone and I might get a great job that gives me healthcare....but at 55 (on Saturday) I have to be realistic. I have not done much to prepare for my flight back next week as feeling very ambivalent, but my friends are expecting me as all I have done for the past year, more or less, is tell them how much I disliked it here - grim was a word I used often. Perhaps it doesn't seem so grim because it is summer, and the prospect of returning is not far off. I am concerned I will go back to the US and miss the short life I created over the past year in UK. Although I didn't put down many roots. Leaving my mum - who just turned 90 - is going to be wrenching but I have lived away for a long time and people say one shouldn't base one's life on other people. I basically don't know what I want anymore. I thought this (the UK) was it, perhaps I cannot be happy anywhere. I feel extremely confused and don't want to 'ping pong' back and forth between the US and UK forever. Does anyone have any insight or thoughts on these conflicting feelings. Someone did mention that the nature of being an ex-pat sets up a certain amount of push-pull. There were valid feelings that I wanted to return to the UK and now there seem to be valid reasons why I want to return to the US. Any insight would be appreciated as I feel completely paralysed right now. thank you for reading - hope my post wasn't too long. Best, Jane

SDDep

I would stay where you are...just my opinion...

manamama

Hi Jane

You say you don't know what you want...so from that it's best to wait till you do.

Give it more time to get your roots set..I always think that where ever you grow up, it takes years to be rooted to that place. You're sure to feel displaced but you do need to give it some more years to be rooted again.

Think positive about what you have and see it as a new adventure. If after a couple of years you still have't rooted, then perhaps move back to the US.

2 years = 24 little months

Wawa

Hi Jane and welcome! Have a read of this thread... OVER 50's & 60's MOVING BACK TO THE UK - very informative and inspirational

Marmalade

Hi Jane,

It sounded like I was reading about myself when I read your post - but in reverse. A couple of years ago I planned on moving back to the UK, because that is where my heart is. Well, I got a job back home, everyone was expecting me back home, and then............I felt paralized when the time came to move. I was not ready for it, and my gut feeling told me not to do it, eventhough I had dreamt about moving back home for years. Everything was set up for me to move, and then when push came to shove, I couldn't do it. My gut feeling told me I was not ready.

Now, two years on, I am more than ready. I know what I want now, and my head is in the right place (my heart was ruling my head before). I will be moving back home, hopefully this year if I secure a job.

What I am trying to say in all my ramblings is - if it doesn't feel right, then don't do it. Maybe in the future it will feel right, but now is not the time. Your gut feeling is not to move...........right I personally would not (not right now anyway).

However, whatever you decide, good luck

karin_and_boys

Jane,
I posted on the rovers return section today. I am in a somewhat similar situation to you. We (self, husband plus 2 boys) returned to UK last summer and now preparing to return to US. Something I thought I wanted since last summer, just waited out to run the childrens school year in, but now not so sure and have serious cold feet...

BUT we do have some differences in out situations. We need to accept/decline a job offer for my husband asap in order to go back. Also we are tied to school for the boys, so cannot really go back, then change our minds again next year and return to the UK, My kids have moved enough already...

If you are like me (and I suspect you might be as I am a big worrier too) you hate change and that is part of the cold feet issue. I hate change then settle quickly and adapt whereever I am, and this is part of the problem going back to the US. I have my routine here now in the UK and feel safe.

So, if I was you and I had the luxury (if I may call it that?) of being the only person involved in this decision, I would sit tight and give it more time to see what I really wanted to do and where I wanted to be. I would cancel my flight right now if I wasn't sure, really I would, And to be honest I would love to have more time to ponder on this move. Now maybe you have other background issues which would make staying on longer a bit more difficult, like a place to live in the UK, if you have already given notice to a landlord or whatever. But really, if you can at all stay put for a bit longer, do.

I also have to ask, what about the cat? Has he/she gone on ahead of you? I am just dying to be settled SOMEWHERE so I can get a pet....

All the best, let us know what you decide to do,
Karin.

ble

Have you considered living in a different part of the UK?
If you are having serious second thorughts about leaving the UK again, but don't like London, then there are many other areas to consider. Beautiful spots. Maybe you don't want the US, but you also don't want London?

Just a thought to throw into the pot

Mummy in the foothills

Me too, Britain is more than just London, most of us here wouldn't want to live there I think.
I'd try and see about moving to a nicer part of the country maybe near to some family or friends and making a life before doing the move all over again.

jmh

I can only give you my experience to add to the pot and see if it helps. I left NZ 23 years ago and have a good career and my own house in London. A year ago after a trip home I started feeling a draw to go back, but after reading around here and much thought I decided to stay a bit longer. I now have that feeling again, and have looked into it more and am pretty sure I will go back now. I need to sort out pension issues in my 50's to make sure I qualify in NZ which I will if I go back in the next 5 years. I have decided to make 2012 the date to go. That gives me 2 years to sort my finances, make plans, and say goodbye to the UK. I have older parents in NZ, and although they are well now I worry about the future. You are right to say you shouldn't plan your life around other people, but I would like to be around them for the next few years. My mum was seriously ill 5 years ago and she had no one at her bedside for the weeks she was in hospital. I regret that.

My biggest concern about your own situation is healthcare and pension entitlement. I think at your age you really need to crunch the numbers. I also agree with the advice about moving to another part of the UK. There are some beautiful parts of the country. Maybe delay your flight and do some travelling around the UK.

Just some thoughts.

jmh

By the way, I found that when I moved the UK I spent the first year noticing what was missing that the NZ had. I know when I move to NZ I will spend the first year noticing what is missing compared to the UK. The point is that after a year you start to replace what is missing with what is good about the country you have moved to. No country is all good or all bad (despite what the Daily Mail says). It's all about what you bring to the mix. I know in my first year I will be a whinging pom! Hopefully it will settle down after a year.

Errol

I was born in London, moved to the US (NYC) in my mid-20's, then moved to Scottsdale, Arizona in my late 30's with my former husband. After my divorce I decided to stay as I had a good job and could buy my own home. I never truly adapted to the 'desert' but didn't have the courage to give up the security and stability I had although I yearned to come 'home'.

This isn't a posting recommending stay in the UK or return to the US. There are a few points that I would like to highlight, which are similar to my situation. I am in NYC by the way

You, born in London, moved to NYC. Ah!! Lets say the the top two financial hubs in the word, or at least in the Anglo sense. What the cities have in common? Subways, grit, traffic, theater. Cost of living? Compare the prices, rental or purchase of the London flat to the NYC apartment per square footage? A friend said: London and NY have more in common than San Francisco and Chicago or Pittsburgh.

Your next move was to the desert. Regardless of your feelings that you never adjsuted to the desert, you were there a long time, and you didn't sell everything when you relocated to London.

Food for thought: Had you relocated to NYC, it wouldn't surprise me you would be thinking about returing to Arizona

Briefly my own: London to Chicago for about a year Relocated Los Angeles. Stayed almost 12 years. The first two years I loved it! The next three years I hoped my career would blossom that I would have two homes, one in LA and the other NYC! After five years in LA I visited London and I liked it but couldn't imaging living in such a confined space. The remaining time I began to hate LA and finally moved to NYC where I have been for 17 years!

It's June 2010. I love both cities! I am 59 years old and can't retire but the reality is on both sides of the Atlantic chaging employment at my age isn't going to be easy and on top of that my employer is on financial shaky ground. I am fortunate in having transferable skills and can work for myself.

I can see myself moving to London, but I can't see myself completely "giving up" on NYC either!

I appologize for the length of this posting. You truly have my understanding

Errol

sallysimmons

I definitely agree with the advice to give it a bit longer. I think you need at least two years to settle in a new place and so it's not surprising that you're feeling unhappy right now.

If you were sure about the move, you'd be eagerly looking forward to that flight. Since you're not, I'd cancel it and wait a bit longer. Maybe check out other parts of the country as others have said, although that might be hard job-wise I guess.

I don't know how it is to move back to England, but I do know the only way I have survived two international moves is to throw myself 100% into my new life with no looking back.

reeni

When we were moving back to Canada, I got cold feet about 2 months before we were to fly. But I went anyways - I have regretted it ever since. I should have given it a little longer and tried harder. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

:-)

charleygirl

Jane I agree with everyone here, we all say the same, stay and give it longer.
But of course i am one of those who wants to go home.
Join us in the 50s 60s wanting to go home thread. I think you will want to stay in UK.

dunroving

I also agree with the "stay a while longer" brigade, even though I have been trying to escape back to the States for the past couple of years, and am not happy in the UK. The OP sounds very unsure and it's a huge wrench to make when you haven't really given yourself the opportunity to settle in.