I moved to San Diego almost 2 years ago (I was originally Sassyjaybabe on here) and I still don't feel settled.

I foolishly decided to have a baby which is amazing in itself but I still feel lonely quite a lot and have the added issue now that I cant go out in the evening and finding friends is hard (as many Californians don't seem to talk to me...). I do have a lot of friends but still there is probably 3-4 days during the week where I don't see anyone other than my daughter and hubby.

Some days I would give anything to go back to the UK other days I am ok here, I am thankful for what I have. How long would you give it before you say enough is enough and broach the subject with the other half about how you really would like to return sooner rather than later?

If you've started to think seriously about it, you should bring it up sooner rather than later, before it really starts to eat away at you. No good will come from bottling it up for more than a few days.

I think I misworded my post, hubby knows I am not a fan of living in USA but part of me wonders whether I haven't given it a good enough chance. How long would people say is long enough to know whether it is right for them?

If it does feel good, or isn't getting better, I would say two years is long enough. If there is some reason you can't return now/soon, you could try somewhere else in the US, because IMO southern California is one of the most alien regions from a British perspective, probably only after greater Miami and southern Louisiana, and of course it the furthest part of the "lower 48" from Britain.

I agree with Pulaski, however, the 2 year old makes a difference...how long were you planning on staying when you arrived? Because once that 2 year old is a bit older, a bit more independent, and a bit more not under your feet 24/7, it will get easier as you start to regain some of your own life.

Or at least it did for me.

I know exactly where you are coming from as we had a 2 yo when we arrived, and popped out 2 more at 2 yearly intervals. My entire life revolved around kids and babygroups and Gymboree.... When we'd been here 2.5 years (kids now 3 months, 2 and 4) I was ready to quit and go home. Totally fed up. We decided instead to move house, landed in a different subdivision just down the road, with kids now 6 months older, and the first one almost starting school. Life steadily improved, and now its hard to recall quite how "down" I was on this place leading up to that time. The youngest is now in 3rd grade, and while I loved the baby/toddler years, life was a lot more tiring and a lot more hard work than it is now.

Actually, re-reading that, life stays busy and tiring because they get more involved in after school stuff, but at least when they get older, you will get some time during the day to do you own "stuff", whatever that may be.

Are you planning to return at some point anyway? Is your husband open to moving? Will life be harder for him there than it is for you here?

Yes, this is the way it is with babies. They're company (for sure) 24/7, but not "company" in the satisfying adult sense of the word. These years you're going through are going to be the toughest almost anywhere you live because 1.) you and your husband are adjusting to a totally new way of life ("life with baby"), and 2.) the burden of baby care falls on you if your husband works full-time at a demanding job.

I agree that things WILL get easier and better as time goes on. These first few years with the baby are total Hell! Have you joined any local baby groups? They really can help, if the other mums are a decent lot. If not, I'd keep looking, because the help/sympathy/shoulder-to-cry-on that only other mums/moms can give is just invaluable.

But no matter what you do or don't do, I think some of your difficulty will naturally ease as your daughter gets old enough for play-groups or nursery. Once she can spend part of the day away from you engaged in good kid-activities, you will find life improves vastly--and that's for both you and her!

So keep this in mind as you try to understand your own feelings now and whether you really need to go home to the UK or not. This difficult phase of life will pass, slowly but surely. As it does, where do you want to be?

My daughter is only 7 months so I keep telling myself that as she gets a bit older it will get easier. Due to financial reasons we will be staying a while longer and also job situation so I just need to try and make it work.

I have rejoined Meetup to make a few more friends and have also joined a group on facebook and am looking to maybe do a college course where she can come with me (some of the community colleges have them) or get an evening/weekend job. I think ultimately I need more stuff for me going on as well as for her and to see other adults.

Additionally I need to be better with my time management, I get stuck in a routine of chasing my tail with housework and keeping her occupied so never do my stuff. I need to stop procrastinating and get on with my stuff when I can to be me again.

I guess for me the wanting to be back in the UK is because there is family and friends there who I can see and in the case of family a baby sitter/time during the week to myself. I don't have these options here.

Even if we were to go back it is unlikely we would end up near family because my husband's career doesn't have many jobs nearby.

I guess I am a bit more wanting to go back right now because he is off to China next week for a week and I will be alone with my daughter.

I think this is a difficult transitional stage of life regardless of where you live. I was in the UK as an at-home mum, but not living near family, and I entirely understand the isolation and loss of self you describe, even with my much-wanted, relatively easy baby.

Now, as to 'being me again'... hmmm. My kids are 13 and 9, and I'd say I only really felt like I rediscovered 'me' when my youngest was about 4 or 5, and that even so I'm not quite there yet (but close). The simple truth was that even when I carved out small chunks of precious alone time, I was alway on the clock and aware that I had to fit in X, and Y, and Z, because the minutes of my spare playgroup two hours were tick-ticking away, and I had to be firmly on time because s/he looked so sad if they were the last kid picked up. I'm afraid spontaneity and that sense of freedom you get from being able to make casual arrangements, or stay for another coffee with a friend simply because you're having a good time and you want to... that's now gone for quite some years, and I personally found that Old Me had gone for ever (which is not to say that New Improved Nowadays Me isn't awesome, just different).

But it's a work in progress, and you become very, very thankful for the small escapes. When my son was around 2, I look a French class once a week at the local college, which ran from something like 6-7.30pm. It was utter bliss - hubby would get home from work around 5.45pm, I'd tag him as I ran out of the door, and by the time I got back from class having spent time with non-parents, not talking about children, my son was in bed asleep and hubby had tidied up the nursery supper detritus, put something in the oven for our dinner, and poured me a glass of wine. I think that was the start of my feeling like an independent grown-up again, that couple of hours on a Tuesday evening.

But later on you get playgroup/ pre-school 2-3 times a week, and then the bliss of a school day! Our most recent step in the process is not bothering to get babysitters anymore now that our oldest is rising 14; this means we can now just decide to pop out for a couple-y dinner if the fancy takes us, without planning in advance. And this is a great relief all round, because babysitters are expensive and doubled the cost of a night out, or a faff to book, or unreliable, or you feel you're burdening a friend, or... we tended to scarcely bother to go out when they were small, unless we had visiting family.

So... sorry. 'Me' and 'my stuff' will be something you might now manage to squeeze into tiny corners of your life, during the odd hour a week here and there. It's different, I imagine, if 'my stuff' is working (I haven't worked since mine were born, as we keep moving country) - I expect it's far simpler to regain a personal identity by returning to work, with a defined role and set hours. Much harder if you're the 24/7 carer, often with money being a bit tight on one salary, to justify some time off 'just because'.

Oh, and it's completely normal to struggle to keep on top of housework with a baby. I found it got easier - sort of - when I stopped trying to fit it all into his naps, and just carted him around in a bouncy chair or on a rug, and chatted to him in a squeaky TV presenter voice, and broke off from cleaning every few minutes to jiggle him around or wave something. It means a 5 minute cleaning job now takes a soul-sucking three-quarters of an hour, but hey, it fills the day.

So honestly, I'm not sure it's the sort of problem that would be fixed by going back to the UK, even if you could. But you sound self-aware and positive about making the best of the situation, so that's an excellent start.

How many groups and activities do you do at the moment? I had something for most days of the week - I didn't always go to them every week, but it was reassuring to know that if a Wednesday wasn't going well at home, I could bundle my son into the car and head out for the village tots group/ NCT soft play centre social/ church mum-and-baby group (if I got desperate ) Structure and lots of social contact are the key to this stage of life, I found. Like in any social setting, I had to wade though different groups and LOTS of different mums before identifying the small number with whom I'd become good friends. There'd be groups I'd go along to knowing there'd be no-one there I'd have much in common with beyond 'So how was your summer?' - hairdresser conversation - but since that was still a step above conversing with a 6-monther, I went, and the day passed, and hubby came home, and another week was done.

It sounds like you've already identified some good options, the college course and the like, so hopefully you'll start to build more of an out-of-the-house life for you and your daughter. Try groups/ activities, lots and lots of them, and you'll find the ones and the people with whom you click. It'll come good.

We met friends for life via our kids. Just talking to a passer-by with a small kid in tow can cause connection.

BTW, my babies are in their 30's.

2 years seems plenty of time to get acclimatized to me. If you are still feeling a desperate urge to head home, I can't see that getting much better. I too live in California, but I'm on the central coast in Monterey. From my experience out here, people hear my accent and can't wait to talk to me. The folk in this part of the world are so criendly and so laid back. i love it here. I'm definitely not going to make firm friends out here though, I can see that already, but my wife has 2 brothers that I get on very well with so I guess I'm lucky. Whatever you decide to do, stay or head back, I hope it works out for you.

I have found that there are different types of people in California- there are those that have travelled/lived in UK/are from elsewhere that will talk to you then there are those that live here and are still interested in people from elsewhere then those who point blank wont speak to you because you aren't from here. I guess it is the same in some towns in the UK though!

I have made quite a lot of friends in a combination of using this site, when I went to Prenatal yoga, Meetup.com, friends of friends and the classes I did before I had my daughter. BUT in the past month or 2 four of the couples we were friends with have moved away (which is to be expected when the friends you make are not from California in the first place), currently the only organised activity we go to is Gymboree and we try to make plans to see other friends but it is difficult as a lot of the mums have gone back to work now.

I have joined Meetup.com again (I also lost the login for that) and have joined a few groups on there, have also been following the San Diego Mom group on Facebook and have been in contact with 3 mums on there so I am really going to try and start making an effort. I realised that I was sitting in moping so to say and people don't just knock on the door and say "Wanna be my friend" haha.

Also intending to join the Carmel Mountain Moms group and check out the baby times at the libraries in the area, I am lucky in that I am about 2 miles from 3 different libraries.

I have heard that in Northern California people are extremely friendly and laid back. Here in San Diego its a real fusion of both locals and people from elsewhere. I would say that 90% or more of the people I have met have moved from elsewhere. I am sure there are San Diegans around but haven't really had many speak to me. I guess the difference between those born here and those that have moved here is that the ones that have lived here their entire life have friends from childhood so aren't necessarily even looking for new friendships but others are because they don't have their childhood friends or family here!

I know what you mean about the sitting in moping...I had heard people say that, and before the first was born, I made the resolution that whatever the weather, I would get out of the house every day, no matter what. You can count on your thumbs the number of days I broke that resolution before they started "proper" school.

If we didn't have anything planned, we would just go for a walk (push) to coffee shops, parks, libraries, wherever. We had a couple of Starbucks in walking distance, and I met folk in there that are still friends today. I also met law enforcement and firefighters ( if that's your thing) who stopped to make sure I was OK because they didn't often see folk pushing a stroller along in the middle of nowhere in the Texas summer heat! Even now, years later I meet folk who've suddenly recognized me with "oh, I know you - you'rethe dad who takes his kids for walks" That's kinda weird, because I don't know most of them, but you get used to it...now, later on, I get approached by kids in supermarkets who recognize me as the dad who works in the school lunchroom.....and I can tell you, there are some odd (and sometimes scarey) looks on the faces of their own parents when their offspring run up to a total stranger and say "hi, may I have some ketchup please" ...... I insist on good manners in the lunchroom

So if there is just one piece of "advice" I would ever give to a new stay at home parent, it is get out of the house every day.

I do definitely get out of the house each day. However, I need to be more productive in what we do... ie, go to a group or somewhere where I am likely to meet other people. After all, although it is possible (as Yorkie mentioned) to meet people in stores its not always the case that you make a lifelong friend in a store.

I feel a lot better now, have made 3 contacts via the San Diego mom group this week, one from here, have joined a few meetup groups, contacted a mom from Yelp who lives in the same apartment complex, have requested to join a local moms group and I intend to give the Mommy and Me Yoga another go this week as well as going to the usual Gymboree and a meet up at a mall.