julius smith

hey, guys! how's it going with you all? just thought i'd drop a few words to you all from merry england!! have been back around a week now and, guess what (and i know all you lot who have known me from my previous posts will be swearing your heads off!!)? i'm feeling lost. as if in some kinda limbo land!! sure i like being backand everything, but now the fun has begun--i have to look for a job anew, wife the same, and the damn bills are piling up! and i know i am due unemployment money, but i have never been to a dole office in my life, and i feel like a beggar going there! weather is brill--today is 17C and really warm!! a tiny tiny part of me says "go back, you idiot, what've you done?!!" but it remians to be seen. i am going to give it at least 6 months before i start to get edgy and think about anthing remotely connected with AAARGHHH "going back" !! sad case, innit?

callé

Hello JS!
No, I dont think you are feeling any different than you should be. The shock has hit you and that has to be expected. After you find jobs and start to settle, you should begin to feel that calm again. It's only natural to feel that way after leaving the 'comfort of the known'. I'm not fooling myself. I have told myself over and over that when I return I will get to a point when I'll wonder what I've done. But looking at the alternative of staying here I am going to just deal with that feeling as I know sensibly that it will happen. We are only human and change is scary but that too shall pass. at least you have knowledge of living in a different land and always have that choice in the future to look beyond the immediate if thats what life has in store for you. Let us know how it goes for you. I am awaiting many reports.

Merlot

Been there, done that, completely know where you are coming from. I do feel for you.

It is not easy and the downside is I don't think the state will give you a bean for unemployment

What you have done is a big move and very stressful. After 12 months of being back in Blighty I am still whacked from the move from Oz, the 12 months of planning to return to the UK before I stepped on a plane. I get erked when those posters come on with their opinions and they have never done it, so any crap you get just ignore it.

Then when you are back you have a culture shock, I did for about 9 months and only now after 12 months do I feel like I feel more part of it all, even then I look at what is around me and realised I have moved on and become more Australian that I ever dared to admit!

My poor husband is so unhappy in the UK, does not help!

Good luck
Merlot

Lizzi

The more I read these type of posts the more I worry about returning to the UK and realising I made a very big mistake...
Still, I haven't read about anyone returning from the US and regretting it.

Or have I?

stepnek

I've followed your story without really commenting Julius but having been here in Canada since last September I certainly related to some of the feelings that you experienced. The difference for me was that we sold our house in England and bought one here so a quick return was not sensible without really giving it a good go. But I've often woke in the middle of the night and wondered "what on earth am I doing here?" Fortunately for us my daughter loves school here and slowly I'm feeling more settled but I can kind of imagine the limbo state that you might be feeling now having returned home. When I've thought about making a dash for home (still calling England home!) I wondered how much I'd regret the decision once I'd got back. Still, I've no plans to do that right now but I wish you well with your return and deep down I'm a little envious.

ladylisa

I think how your feeling is completely understandable. All the time you were in Canada it was a whole new experience, even though at times not a good one. Once back in the UK everything must feel normal like you never left in the first place except this time you are different to everyone else because you have gained an insight into another culture that no one else around you can relate.

julius smith

hi, there, stepnek! looks like you've been there about the same time as us. as you say, you have no choice but to make it work, but we had a house to come back to, so thats why we made it back so quick! i am really happy for you as you seem to have made it there! we too used to think sometimes that what the heck are we doing here, 4000 mls away, but you know, and i hate to admit this on forum, as i know i was ranting n raving about all things wrong in canada, the england i had in my mind does not exist. its gone forever. first thing i noticed when i alnded here was the amount of litter everywhere. then there was the graffiti, again, everywhere, on road signs, shop shutters, house walls, even on private cars! then there is the weekly lout time, ie friday, saturday nights when all the louts, some as young as 7 to 8 yrs old, gather on street corners and scream abuse at aeach other or any passerby, break into cars, break wing mirrors etc, tear down street signs, and not a single policeman in sight! and the there is a new prank started up here--its called the "happy slap" and involves slapping or hitting someone, anyone, in the street, mall, school, etc and thenrunning away, at the same time getting a friend to film it all with his posh new camera phone! the police are trying to curb it, only IF they see it happening!
i dont know, maybe its because, as lady lisa says, i have seen another culture and am caught between the 2 now, but whenevr we used t see london on the news or anything about the uk on tellie in canada, we used get all misty eyed, but the truth isnot like that at all here. there seems to be so much uncivilised behaviour here and no one seems to want to do anything about it. apart from that, the weather's beautiful---16C yesterday and really sunny, so its not all bad! and all the time there's that tiny little corner of my head which keeps saying "what've you done you pillock? get back before its too late.....!!" anyway, lets open a few cans meantime, eh?

Tom Masters

Hi Julius

I've been following your progress too over the last couple of months. We've been here in Canada since last April so we've almost made it a year! I wanted to go back home after the first week which really surprised me as I had been planning the move to Canada for 2 years and couldn't wait to get there. I have also lived abroad a couple of times previously so didn't expect to feel too homesick or suffer from culture shock too badly!

We compared everything in Canada to what we had in England (Reading) and the UK always came out better. I became very negative about Canada and could relate very much to what you and others have said about the place (lack of buzz, character, live to work, not as advanced as the UK etc.). Like Stepneck, we sold up too so it wasn't an option to go back without there being alot of hassle and more financial outlay involved. If we hadn't sold our house I am sure we would have gone back after about 3 months as I desperately missed everything I had left. I also felt guilty about taking my kids out of their schools in the UK and bringing them here where I percieved everything to be less advanced.

My husband, who is one of the most laid back people you could meet, started to get down too as he couldn't find work due to the Canadian experience issue. However, after 7 months he managed to get a good job and went back to being laid back! The kids loved being here from day 1 and have settled into their school brilliantly. They were only 3 and 5 though so I think that has helped alot. I know your kids are alot older so that must've been more difficult to deal with.

Anyway, since the 7/8 month marker, I have also started to settle down more here and am actually enjoying it. Reading will always be a special place for me as that is where my kids were born and where we first set up home etc. but the homesick pain has lessened more and I now look back with happy memories. We didn't leave the UK because we hated it (although I did hate the traffic jams), just that we wanted to explore and travel more and find a good/different place to raise our kids.

We will now probably stay and get citizenship but may move somewhere else within Canada. We had intended this to be a permanent move but what we have learned over the last year is that nothing is or needs to be forever (well, eternity, but that's a different topic!) so we may stay here for years or we may move elswhere in the future. I just intend to enjoy the positives of where we are for now and try not to take things for granted.

Well, that is our story but I just want to let you know that I think it was very brave of you to come out in the first place and even braver to go back. I think some people make a decision and stick to it whether they like it or not while others make changes if they are not happy. There are pros and cons to both! You probably did and said what a lot of people would have done given the chance. I hope you feel more settled soon. I am very interested to know how your wife and kids feel now that they are back?

I am sure it will all work out eventually, whatever you decide.

Chris

SDER

I think having regrets about moving to the UK has alot to do with where in the UK you move back to..Do you agree?

For instance, Julius, I am not putting down where you moved to, but when I left UK streatham was alot like you described. I am from Croydon which is ALOT like Streatham. I HATE IT! Croydon to me is dirty, lots of crime, the people...well thats a different story. When, if, I move back then I will definitely not move back to Croydon. I am sure there are alot nicer places than Croydon/Streatham...Am I right?

ladyofthelake

You're definitely right! I come from Croydon too. It hasn't changed overnight, or even in the last year. It's always been like that, you just never noticed it before. It all seems so normal before you move abroad, and a lot of the grotty parts are just part and parcel of normal every day life. Once you've lived in another country, you have somewhere different to compare it with, so things which you never noticed before can suddenly seem really irritating or unacceptable.
I found when I went back in December that at first I noticed all the grime, chewing gum on the pavements, graffitti etc... then I just subconciously started to filter it out of my mind again. It all started to seem perfectly normal again. Mind you, I was only back for 4 weeks total, so wasn't in the full permanency mindset.

Pants

Welcome home JS....I felt the same when I came back...I still moan about how things are different and so does Mr Pants ( and hes's an aussie...tsk tsk..). You can't help but compare can you....I just feel sad that although kids are no longer kids from such a young age but also that they are so arrogant ( not all of them of course) God I was a punk in my day but I still respected people.I most likely looked very unapproachable but I had manners. Anyway enough of my Mary Whitehouse thoughts....it's hard matey just don't get too down about it. You have time to decide where you will truly be happy..go with it. Just promise me it won't be the Cinatra's in broad green/west croydon .......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh h...lol...

TraceyW

Oh heck...this is what I'm so afraid of!

I see the UK in my mind as that beautiful place in which I grew up. The place where I could play out at the park until 9.00 o'clock without my parents going into panic mode....where we were afraid of the local bobby and respected our teachers (well, some of 'em!) everything was so much more innocent.

I'm going back to the UK with the kids in January for a month, it's time for me to start opening my eyes to what's really there I think, get this silly misty eyed vision of rose covered cottages and chocolate box villages out of my head once and for all.

Good luck Julius in whatever you finally decide to do, just remember, things can be undone...nothing has to be forever.

Tiaribbon

Hi Julius,

I am sorry that you are feeling all confused now. You have made huge changes in your life over a very short period of time so of course you are going to be out of sorts.

When I moved back to the UK (aged 21, and almost 20 years ago) after living in the US for 2 and a half years, I felt like the whole country was completely alien to me. I had done such a lot in those couple of years, whereas my UK friends were still in the same jobs, with the same boyfriends and went to the same pubs on the same nights of the week! I had changed and had experienced and had lived - but they hadn't! Anyway the long and the short of it was that within 2 weeks I left the UK and moved to Denmark for 6 months. The second time I returned to the UK was to marry my husband. This sidetracked me for long enough that I didn't have such culture shock but I never felt that the UK was my "home" anymore and I never really have for the last 20 years - but that didn't stop me enjoying my life. What I am trying to say is that you will never feel the same about England as you did before you even considered leaving for Canada, but in time you may come to accept what you have and where you are.

Even though I had the most fantastic life in the UK, I couldn't wait to get out! Maybe that is why Canada is proving to be just wonderful for me. I have been here for almost 4 months and I am truly loving every day. Spring is here in all its glory - all the birds are back, the snow has gone, the trees are heavily laden with buds and all the colour will be emerging any day now. All my animals are basking in the heat of the sun and life is great.

My husband has just returned to the UK yesterday after a 3 week vacation and when I spoke to him this morning he sounded even more depressed than he was when he had to leave Canada in December. Hopefully he will be back in 2 or 3 months time and then he will be a happy bunny.

I suspect it will take you a lot longer than 6 months to "fit back in" to the British lifestyle and you may never really be contented, but then you weren't in Canada either, so maybe you just have to stick it out for a while until you get used to being back there. Unfortunately Culture Shock works both ways . Are the children and your wife happy at being back? If so, at least that is a worry off your mind now.

I often find myself thinking about you and your family and hoping that life works out well for you. You have been very brave in not only taking the huge steps you have taken, but also to have put your thoughts and feelings in black and white on this forum.

I wish you well as always.
Tia

Dan725

Welcome to the world of the global traveller. Once you start, it's hard to settle properly anywhere!

I'm very happy in the USA, wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but chances are I'm now going to do some month on month off contract overseas work....

Like you say, give it time, but I reckon because you've been away, if you are anything like me, you might just end up hopping about a bit, until you hit on a place where you are truly happy! That for me is the US, but I feel a couple of little sojourns coming on....

Good luck with it all!

julius smith

oh, hi there, tiaribbon! good to hear from you! thanks a lot for all your sympathetic comments--looks like we're going to need them in truck loads from now on! reading yours and other posters comments on here really makes you think that yes, there are real people out there who are trying to be genuinely constructive and helpful, rather than just wanting to stick their own oar in, as it were! yes, thats the long and short of it so far--we are back in the uk and are just mulling around at the mo--not sure if we did the right thing or not. i dont know what we were expecting here, but i figure we may have had our rose-tinted glasses on when we were in canada! we used to watch british tv programmes like eastenders/corrie st and several others and used to think "oohh, what a lovely laidback life evryone leads there--no rushing about, all countryside lanes and thatched cottages..."!! but we have come down with a bump here in streatham. the 1st thing is all the filthy streets, hooliganism, disrepaired roads, very few real english "natives" around etc. i know, i know; i should have known this, but i dont know what made us come back. like a cabbie in toronto told me " either you live where you are and be content with it, or you move out and never think of going back--there's no 2 ways about it!". now we are in halfway house-neither here nor there. and to top it all, i just found out that uni degree courses do not cost as much as i was told--apparently the norm is around $3000 per year, with $8000 for medicine, dentistry etc., wheras i was told it would be at least $20 000 per yr! far as the kids situation, they are happy here but they too miss the space, lack of hassle from thuggery on the street etc in canada. so there we are--we have only been here a short while and its not looking good! i am glad i have got it off my chest here anyway, and i now it will set a lot of you thinking, esp. if you are contemplating coming back! its not easy at all, i tell you! my consolation is that i have purchased real estate there and if need be, can flog it in the future and have money to play with, there is a strong chance my old firm will take me back, so its not that bad to go back. but for the next few days n weeks, i am going to sit tight and see what presents itself to us, then make a final decision (well, not FINAL final, as i believe there is nothing final--everything can change!). weathere here? its 16C today,just been out for an early morning walk around town (no yobs out yet!), the daffodils are out, robins scurrying around the hedges, magnolia trees almost in flower, the frogs in my garden pond have mated and theres frog spawn everywhere, etc etc. let me not bore you with more details!