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Advice need on help with aged parents

Advice need on help with aged parents

Old Dec 17th 2012, 8:38 pm
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Default Advice need on help with aged parents

Hi all,
In January we moved Back to UK to take care of my aged (90+) parents. My wife who is a USA citizen slipped on some stairs and broke her arm at the shoulder joint. After finding our USA medical insurance did not cover the cost we had to fly back to USA for an operation to put in a metal plate. During all this I found out my old medical number was no longer valid and I would have to apply for a new one, thus opening a can of worms residency tax wise.

What I need is who can I talk to for advice for taking care of my parents. Mother cannot walk due to hip replacement problem, Father with Dementia. They live together alone, the neighbor does there food shopping.

Due to the fact we cannot move back to UK for a while until her arm gets better. My wife is hesitant going back as we live in southern California were it is sunny most of the time and very laid back to UK were it rains most of the time. Plus we found the National Health to be a bit suspect compared to our local heath system.

Anyway my parents do not want to move into a home, tried to explain it was an assisted living but there neighbors have told them they would die in such a place, although I tried to explain it was not a nursing home.

Called social services but all they did was give me a brochure. I figured my parents had just above the amount to get help from the city. My parents are old school do not want anybody to know there business.

I have scanned the web but am looking for someone locally I can talk too for advice on how to deal with aged parents without upsetting them.

Thanks Bob

Last edited by 2bretired; Dec 17th 2012 at 8:42 pm.
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 8:43 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Try calling Age Concern, they are a charity and should be able to give you advice on where best to go for help. My only other suggestion would be social services which it appears you have already tried or trying your parent's GP's office. Obviously for privacy reasons they may not discuss much with you but they should at least be able to point you in the right direction.
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 8:55 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Thanks Beaver
Tried local GP but they were of no help either. My mothers doctor does not even visit my mother at home. The doctor told me she does not do home visits that my mother can call a charity or taxi to bring her to the surgery even though she cannot walk. Tried age concern but same brochure, and list of medical services but no help real help or advice. Also my parents are of the type not to make a fuss so she does not visit the doctor.

Most of my UK friends are either dead or live in another part of the UK to where my parents now live, my cousins are of low income and thus are on all the social benefits and are of no help as the state helps them.

I suppose the only way is try to find a friend locally that I can trust.

Bob

Last edited by 2bretired; Dec 17th 2012 at 9:17 pm.
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 10:05 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

What about trying a local Church organisation? I think the problem you will encounter is that a lot of these places can only offer advice and I wouldn't have thought they will do anything against your parents wishes unless you were there to speak firmly for them. Do you have power of attorney?

What is it that you are looking for? Meals on wheels, medical services or to have them placed in sheltered housing? I must admit, it is a big thing to ask of a friend; is there no way you or your wife could at least visit until something firm is in place?
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 10:09 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Originally Posted by 2bretired
Thanks Beaver
Tried local GP but they were of no help either. My mothers doctor does not even visit my mother at home. The doctor told me she does not do home visits that my mother can call a charity or taxi to bring her to the surgery even though she cannot walk. Tried age concern but same brochure, and list of medical services but no help real help or advice. Also my parents are of the type not to make a fuss so she does not visit the doctor.

Most of my UK friends are either dead or live in another part of the UK to where my parents now live, my cousins are of low income and thus are on all the social benefits and are of no help as the state helps them.

I suppose the only way is try to find a friend locally that I can trust.
It's too bad you didn't investigate what help might be available before you returned from the UK. Always easier to do it in person than trying to do it by 'phone or email.

My suggestions would be to call Age UK (if you haven't already done so, they are what used to be called Age Concern) and to call social services of whatever local council your parents live in. My mother, for example, had people come in and help her with shopping and house cleaning etc. I don't know what else they typically can provide, nor what you're really looking for.

But reading your prior posts, I'm sensing that one of your problems is that your wife doesn't really buy into the idea of you living in the UK? I'm presuming that you went over there with your wife on a tourist visa? That guaranteed she'd only be eligible for emergency NHS care, which is where your plan seems to have come unstuck given your lack of insurance covering being abroad.
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 10:32 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Social Services Departtment of the Local Authority (Social Work if in Scotland)
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 11:02 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

I try to answer the various previous post.

I am trying to commute at least 3 time a year finances permitting, ( I am retired dual national.) I do not have power of attorney and now cannot get it due to my father being diagnosed with dementia. My mother does not want to spend any money on anything, my father turns off and unplugs anything electric. Father does not use the telephone and does not like anybody else us it. when I am there I cannot call social service because my father keeps asking who I am calling and causes a scene. Tried using my cell phone but all number seem to be 0845 which are toll calls on my cell. Yes we went over to UK on tourist visa for 6 months, and I was trying to set up a place to stay and then come back and rent out our house here in USA. But after the accident I do not think my wife wants to go back as our life is here now. My only real ties to UK are my parents.

I suppose I just need someone there that knows the system, I have been away for 40 years and do not know how things work anymore. I have to go to local pub for wifi internet. I am good at fixing thinks but now the UK pluming and electrical systems are different.

thanks all Bob
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 11:15 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Originally Posted by 2bretired
Father does not use the telephone and does not like anybody else us it. when I am there I cannot call social service because my father keeps asking who I am calling and causes a scene. Tried using my cell phone but all number seem to be 0845 which are toll calls on my cell.
Wtf? You go all the way to the UK but you can't pay for a phone call to social services or work out how to go and talk to them in person??

Sorry to sound negative, but I really don't think you're being very resourceful.
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 11:34 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Originally Posted by Giantaxe
Wtf? You go all the way to the UK but you can't pay for a phone call to social services or work out how to go and talk to them in person??

Sorry to sound negative, but I really don't think you're being very resourceful.
I agree with the above, I hate to sound negative too, but seriously? I kind of get the impression that you do care about your parents but want someone else to take all the responsabilty.

So to put it another way; you choose not to go back to the UK and cannot pass responsability of your parents to someone else. What do you expect to happen then? Also, (and I am no lawyer or solicitor) I would have thought that the very reason your father has dementia would have neccessitated someone having power of attorney?
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Old Dec 17th 2012, 11:42 pm
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Sorry you missed the point, I did call social services from my cell and being the cell is a pay as you go it emptied the account very quickly so when you call you are on hold for a while and when you do get through they want more information than my parents want to give. And my parent have told me they would be very upset if I gave any information about them behind there back. Also I am on limited resource as I am retired on a small pension.

That is what I mean about advice on how to get them help without them getting upset.

Bob
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Old Dec 18th 2012, 1:03 am
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Originally Posted by 2bretired
Sorry you missed the point, I did call social services from my cell and being the cell is a pay as you go it emptied the account very quickly so when you call you are on hold for a while and when you do get through they want more information than my parents want to give. And my parent have told me they would be very upset if I gave any information about them behind there back. Also I am on limited resource as I am retired on a small pension.

That is what I mean about advice on how to get them help without them getting upset.

Bob
My sympathies...having elderly and sick parents back home is heartbreaking. My father died suddenly...leaving my 89 yr old disabled mother alone. Fortunately my sister lived about half a mile away. She arranged for social services to call on mum 4 times per day. First call was around 8/9 am...they got her out of bed, showered, dressed and gave her breakfast. The next call was around 1 pm for lunch. Around 5 pm for dinner...the final visit was around 10 pm. She was given supper, dressed for bed...the carers made sure she was tucked up in bed before they left.

I think I'm correct in saying that if a call is put into the surgery...given their ages...a doctor has to make a visit that day. Mum's doctor was very good...my sister only had to call him and he was there to see her almost right away.

My sister arranged for mum's meds...there were many...to be put into blister packs. Four for each day. The carers are not allowed to dispense meds from bottles but they can if blister packs are used. These were collected from the local chemist once a month.

My sister was brilliant...she found out mum's entitlements and got right on it. She was very thorough and kept on and on at social services until she was satisfied that mum got the treatment she was entitled to. IMO you can only do this if you are nearby...as you really have to be on the ball.
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Old Dec 18th 2012, 1:30 am
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Where about's in the Uk are your parents. I have a sister working for Social Services in Wales, but have you googled your local team for an e-mail address? I checked my local area and found an e-mail on their website - might be worth seeing if you can e-mail the team in your parents area. There are lots of different departments so make it clear you are looking for elderly care.

Good luck - hopefully you can get some assistance for your parents
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Old Dec 18th 2012, 2:42 am
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Originally Posted by 2bretired
After finding our USA medical insurance did not cover the cost we had to fly back to USA for an operation to put in a metal plate. Thanks Bob

I would have thought any operation would be cheaper in the UK rather than the USA, so why would your medical insurance company want to pay more for your claim.

A bit of bad luck having to deal with this kind of situation, especially when the festive season is approaching.

All I can offer is my best wishes and hope eveything works out for you all.

Merry Christmas
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Old Dec 18th 2012, 6:49 am
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

Reading the posts I'm not exactly clear what you want.

Power of attorneys would probably be of no use as once mental capacity is lost they become invalid. What you really need is Lasting powers of attorney, which can be got even if your father has dementia, it's just a different process. These give you the facility to make decisions on behalf of somebody who has lost mental capacity.

However, being in USA I'm not sure you are in a good position to make the sort of decisions they may require.


This is a very difficult situation and all I can suggest is you return to the UK to sort it out. I feel the amount of care your parents need/are eligible for will depend on their assets , should they need to be assessed by local council it is highly advisable that somebody is with them during that interview.

They could consider sheltered housing which gives them the advantage of living independently as we'll as the benefit of onsite warden.

I think you should make it clear to your parents that if care is needed it's highly likely their assets will be used to fund it, so they will spend money anyhow, at least this way they have a choice.

Unfortunately this happens all to often and the red tape involved is considerable.

Unfortunately the elderly are very confused by the process and forms and local councils are quick to take advantage of this, so somebody needs to be there with them.

I m talking from first hand experience as my mother has Leukaemia and is in a nursing home / hospice and if it wasn't for my sister living locally to her I would hate to think what would happen.

A few weeks ago she received a demand from the council for £10,000, which she didn't need to pay but they tried very hard even threatening court.

You need to be here I'm afraid.

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Old Dec 18th 2012, 7:11 am
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Default Re: Advice need on help with aged parents

I would tend to agree, you need to be here. I'm an only child with a pair of nearly 90s parents who (like us) are fiercely independent and until a heart attack and two strokes last year dad was caring for mum whose mobility was precarious to say the least. We have moved in with them to care for them for as long as it takes. We have our place in Aus and, I guess for us, it is easier because my DH was the Aussie born son of a UK born child migrant mother and so is entitled to the perks of citizenship. I won't kid you that this is an easy situation - it isn't, it's darned uncomfortable at times but being here and keeping some sort of handle on their appointments, living conditions, other pleasures etc has been vital.

I wish you luck, it's a horrid situation to find yourself in and with the best will in the world, no one is going to support them as well as you can.
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