Erica

Hi all, I haven't posted for ages but wanted to let you know how things are going for us. We moved to the Stroud area in Gloucestershire about 18 months ago after 9 years in California and 2 before that in Tokyo. 3 kids, now 9, 7 and 3. So, it was tough settling in - I got pretty depressed for about 6 months because of the stress of moving us all here, but after about 8 months I really started to enjoy it here and to get my roots in. I would say to anyone coming back, give it time. Get involved with as much as you can, give yourselves the chance to settle and know that it might be really hard for a while! I absolutely love seeing my Mum regularly, and my sister and her kids, my brothers and their kids. We have had some fantastic family gatherings here at our house, 22 family here for Christmas which was just amazing, mad and really fun. My kids have settled in school, they go to a Steiner school which is very sweet, the views are beautiful, the history of the place is amazing. I have been singing in local pubs, got some chickens, got an allotment, made some lovely friends, kids have English accents again (do I sound like Barbara from The Good Life?). People here are less ebullient and positive than Californians but I have become used to that again.
BUT . . . . it is not working for my American husband. He works for a company based in New York and the time difference means he finds it really hard to get home in the evenings to see the kids. He is stressed and unhappy, really misses his friends in the USA and his life there. He works on his own and hasn't really assimilated here much, hasn't made much effort, it has put alot of pressure on our relationship. So, it looks like we are going back to California. We always said we would give it two years, and it will be 2 years in August. We are planning to rent our house out as a holiday home so we can always come back. I am really, really sad about this. It hurts so much to think of leaving my Mum again - that is the hardest part. She is a great role model to me and I worry about my kids growing up in America, I like the way they are growing up here in England. But, we do have really good friends in California and had a wonderful life there, the weather is great, the food is great, I just need to think of all the positives and that we can have somewhat of a flexible life. That's all for now - I will keep you posted! Erica

fulwood

Erica, I really don't know what to say other than I wish you and your family all the best..

Sally Redux

How difficult, especially about where the kids should grow up. All the best with your decision.

Mummy in the foothills

Aww how sad. Pity he couldn't settle.

Newfarnley

So sorry, I feel for you too - hopefully it will all work out and at least you will always have a home to come back to. I wish you all the very best.

quoll

So sorry to hear that. It is always difficult when the "foreign" partner isnt able or prepared to assimilate!

Lorry1

Hi Erica,

Sorry to hear you have to leave England. It's a shame your husband can't settle. Could he give it any longer?

heartofengland

Erica,

I'm sorry to hear this.

You sound like a very kind and caring person, but why do your husband's needs get to trump your own happiness and the happiness of the kids? When a family's involved, everyone's happiness has to be taken into account.

All things considered, you really haven't been in the UK very long. Did you stamp your foot and pout about going home after 18 months in the states? No. Sorry, but he's sounding a little selfish.

Tr1boy

It works the other way as well. Very often there are posts from women on here saying that will 'put their foot down' and are returning anyway, whether hubby likes it or not.

Unless you're in this situation it's incredibly hard to balance. I'm in a similar situation, but thankfully we don't have kids. Both sides have to be flexible. If you need to force your partner to do anything then that's not a basis for good decision making IMO. Who the hell wants to live that?

Encouragement and empathy and genuine ability to look at a situation objectively is paramount. Ive been through this moving back lark twice now. It doesn't get easier in some ways and in others it does. OP's husband at least tried, that's more of a chance than a lot on here get.

Personally, i think an awful depends on how you meet. If there is a migration due to marriage involved then this will always be a potential fault line. In my case, despite neither of us being Australian born, we met in Oz and when we married I didn't have a strong desire to return to the UK. So I have to respect that for Mrs TB. I've always been upfront with my family about the possibility that we will return and they accepted that (reluctantly so in my Mother's case, but she's ok now)

It's not a man vs woman thing. It's a 'everyone's situation is different thing'. Kids compound the issue an awful lot though and anyone wrestling that issue has my sympathies as that can't be easy.

Giantaxe

The world's rarely that black and white. The OP acknowledges that they had a "wonderful life" in California, so what do you do if you move and then find that one person really can't cut it in the new location?

heartofengland

Giantaxe and Tr1boy - yes, I do agree with you, and I'm sorry if I made it sounds like a man vs. woman thing. Of course it isn't.

However, from reading Erica's post, it doesn't seem like her husband's put much effort into his life in England. To me it sounds like they agreed that they would live in the UK for 2 years, but he's spent that time simply biding his time until they could move back the states, rather than trying to make it work.

Erica

Thanks so much for all your responses. HeartofEngland is right in a way; he did say that he hadn't wanted to invest alot of time and energy in making new friends here since he always thought we would go back. He said many times that he couldn't imagine being here long term. The main thing though, is his job. It is really hard for him with the time difference. I suppose a job, ie. money, kind of trumps everything and he is committed to staying with his current company for another 4 years. Like Tr1boy said, It is always a compromise, it involves give and take on both sides and if I had put my foot down and said I wouldn't go, he would be really, really unhappy and I am not sure I can live with that, we would all be miserable. He said he will miss the beer and the pubs! One of us will always be feeling out of their element, I really didn't think for a minute this would happen when we got married! I am just trying to enjoy the last few months here, the Spring is just wonderful and the whole countryside is bursting into life.

Tr1boy

There's your hook, work on that angle

sallysimmons

My heart just breaks for anyone in this situation. It's true that discussion and compromise are all possible, but in the end the bottom line is that one person wins and the other loses. Erica said she couldn't be happy if her husband was unhappy, but it seems he doesn't have the same qualms.

My (UKC) husband and I went through this when I first decided I wanted to go back to England. He point-blank refused and I honestly didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to make it work here and part of me wanted to just go home and have a long-distance marriage. But I knew that would make both of us miserable. And I couldn't see any way out of it. If I won and persuaded him to return to the UK, he would be losing and he'd be miserable.

As it turned out, the reasons for us to move are so compelling that he ultimately came around (after I had given up trying to persuade him) and he's now as excited as I am. But when we talk about compromise in these situations, it really is a case of one person putting their partner first and the other one allowing that to happen.

lilybilly101

Sally, come back and be my life-coach. You're always so wise. Marry the boy/girl next door. Public health warning should be issued for international marriages! It's sad that one person may always feel the strain if missing home...that can put a terrible strain on a marriage. Giving up your friends and family and HOME is a big sacrifice. I did it for nearly 8 years and I only realise now, how unhappy I was.

Best wishes to all on the move.