Ramadan Jokes
Oct 8th 2005, 4:39 pm
#1
Premium Member
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Abu Dhabi soon
Posts: 4,123
Ramadan Jokes
Its got absolutely nought to do with Ramadan, but what the heck....
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your duck - Cuddles - has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure'" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook
its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still
in shock, took the bill. "$300", she cried, "$300 just to tell me my
duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$300"
TS
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your duck - Cuddles - has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure'" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook
its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still
in shock, took the bill. "$300", she cried, "$300 just to tell me my
duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$300"
TS
Oct 9th 2005, 6:06 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 677
Re: Ramadan Jokes
When I saw "limp" next to "duck" I thought for sure you were going somewhere else with this one. 
Oct 9th 2005, 7:40 am
#3
Banned
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,393
Re: Ramadan Jokes
The Differences between males and females
1. NAMES
a.. If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
b.. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
a.. When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
a.. A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these étems.
5. ARGUMENTS
a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
a.. Women love cats.
b.. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
a.. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
1. NAMES
a.. If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
b.. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
a.. When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
a.. A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these étems.
5. ARGUMENTS
a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
a.. Women love cats.
b.. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
a.. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Oct 9th 2005, 8:03 am
#4
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Somerset
Posts: 2,797
Re: Ramadan Jokes
No4 - He must look like he was dragged through a head back wards - He has no comb and must have breathe that smells like a parrots cage.... Where's the toothpaste and stink to high heaven without deodorant!! 
Last edited by Heart of gold; Oct 9th 2005 at 8:12 am.
Oct 9th 2005, 8:49 am
#5
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
Re: Ramadan Jokes
You know, if that's the voice of experience then I really worry for TS!!
Originally Posted by Heart of gold
No4 - He must look like he was dragged through a head back wards - He has no comb and must have breathe that smells like a parrots cage.... Where's the toothpaste and stink to high heaven without deodorant!!
Oct 9th 2005, 9:08 am
#6
Sat on the fence ......
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: in between here & there....
Posts: 6,217
Re: Ramadan Jokes
Found some jokes very apt but daren't post them 
Oct 9th 2005, 11:14 am
#7
Sat on the fence ......
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: in between here & there....
Posts: 6,217
Re: Ramadan Jokes
Nowt to do with Ramadan but a friends son just came home with it...!!
A Dog's Life?
There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière, the merrier.
A Dog's Life?
There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière, the merrier.
Oct 9th 2005, 11:41 am
#8
Banned
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,393
Re: Ramadan Jokes
Originally Posted by Rumble Tumble
Nowt to do with Ramadan but a friends son just came home with it...!!
A Dog's Life?
There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière, the merrier.
A Dog's Life?
There once was a feisty young terrier,
Who liked to bite girls on the derrière.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then he'd leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derrière, the merrier.
Sometimes dogs are so lucky.
Oct 9th 2005, 11:46 am
#9
Soupy twist
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,271
Re: Ramadan Jokes
An oldie but goodie...
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF Wo
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m).
2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.- Melts if given special treatment.
4.- Bitter if used incorrectly.
5.- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2.- Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning or cause.
4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity.
5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USE.
1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.- Can be a great aid to relaxation.
4.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.
TEST.
1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.
HAZARDS.
1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.- Except in certain countries, illegal to possess more than one.
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF Wo
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m).
2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.- Melts if given special treatment.
4.- Bitter if used incorrectly.
5.- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2.- Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning or cause.
4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity.
5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USE.
1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.- Can be a great aid to relaxation.
4.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.
TEST.
1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.
HAZARDS.
1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.- Except in certain countries, illegal to possess more than one.
Oct 9th 2005, 11:54 am
#10
Banned
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,393
Re: Ramadan Jokes
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Oct 9th 2005, 12:11 pm
#12
Banned
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,393
Re: Ramadan Jokes
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Arabs usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
(See Below For Answer)
(What are u thinking?????? Ok Ok go down)
Duh!! Its YOUR SURNAME! ... What else were u thinking?
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Arabs usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
(See Below For Answer)
(What are u thinking?????? Ok Ok go down)
Duh!! Its YOUR SURNAME! ... What else were u thinking?
Oct 9th 2005, 1:04 pm
#13
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: dubai
Posts: 160
Re: Ramadan Jokes
For everyone who's ever had to bite their tongue!
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I�* am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to�* help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
�*
The passenger was unimpressed. He�* asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
�*
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,�* her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.�* "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If�* anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
�*
With the folks behind him in line�* laughing hysterically, the man�* glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***�* You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I�* am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to�* help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
�*
The passenger was unimpressed. He�* asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
�*
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,�* her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.�* "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If�* anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
�*
With the folks behind him in line�* laughing hysterically, the man�* glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***�* You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
Oct 9th 2005, 1:16 pm
#14
A Natural Blonde
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: Dubai
Posts: 410
Re: Ramadan Jokes
Originally Posted by barsha barbie
For everyone who's ever had to bite their tongue!
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I�* am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to�* help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
�*
The passenger was unimpressed. He�* asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
�*
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,�* her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.�* "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If�* anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
�*
With the folks behind him in line�* laughing hysterically, the man�* glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***�* You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I�* am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to�* help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
�*
The passenger was unimpressed. He�* asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
�*
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,�* her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.�* "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If�* anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
�*
With the folks behind him in line�* laughing hysterically, the man�* glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***�* You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
Zannie xx
Oct 9th 2005, 2:06 pm
#15
Sat on the fence ......
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: in between here & there....
Posts: 6,217
Re: Ramadan Jokes
Originally Posted by barsha barbie
For everyone who's ever had to bite their tongue!
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "Iª am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got toª help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
ª
The passenger was unimpressed. Heª asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
ª
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,ª her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.ª "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. Ifª anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
ª
With the folks behind him in lineª laughing hysterically, the manª glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***ª You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "Iª am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got toª help ! these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
ª
The passenger was unimpressed. Heª asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
ª
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began,ª her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.ª "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. Ifª anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
ª
With the folks behind him in lineª laughing hysterically, the manª glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***ª You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said," I'm sorry sir you'll have to get in line for that too"
