MummytoFin

Hi Everyone,

Hoping for some advice...

We came to the UAE on a 2 year contract which we have already agreed to extend to 3 (against my better judgement). Hubby promised we could come home after 2 years if I didn't like it.

While I don't hate it here, I don't really like it and I miss England and my family desperately. Having our baby while we've been here has probably made that feeling worse. I feel like I'm waiting to go home to start my real life again. My husband swore to me that the 3 year mark would be the absolute end date, saying he didn't like it here either.

He came home yesterday with an offer of more money on the condition we stay for 3 MORE YEARS. I couldn't believe it. I told him no way, and all he says is that I'm being irrational, I'm ruining his career, going home would be massively detrimental to our family's finances ...You get the idea. I know that financially, staying here makes more sense, but emotionally I don't think I can face it.

I feel like he's bullying me into staying, and that he hasn't kept his promises to me. I feel so alone.

Any advice on how to convince him to come home???

Blue Cat

I hate to read posts like this, seen it so many times over the years. You sound a bit isolated as well as this is usually the conversation you would have with a friend? I can see both sides. What prospects are their for him workwise at home? My first year here was a bit dodgy I wanted to keep going home all the time, was never off the phone to friends, eventually it calmed down and I settled in but I had to build myself a new network of friends. I have friends here who are literally like family and will be with me for the rest of my life. One of them I met on this very board!! What about trying to get a job, look at childcare and get yourself out there a bit more?

auzdafluff

You can't. And don't try to either. That route only leads to divorce, and I'm sure that's not where you want to go either. It has to be a mutual decision.

I know the situation you're in. I've been there twice (once when I was away from my now ex-fiancee of five years at that time), and before that when my parents faced the same conundrum in Australia back in the early 90s.

I gave up a job in my field to move to where my family and my fiancee's family lived. Sure, she could get a job and while I got some freelance work, the recession soon put paid to my career. I struggled to find work and became very depressed. I blamed her (and to a large extent, it was her fault. She knew that it would cause huge damage to my career, and it would be difficult to find work in my field in the north of England - journalism).

That resentment led to our relationship breaking down after more than seven years together.

My parents on the other hand went through this several times, and actually moved back to the UK in the late 80s, only to move back Australia in 89 to 93. My mum hadn't settled in that well (well, she had, but she has a knack of falling out with people), and so wanted to move back. My dad's career however was booming and his future was very bright.

They had the same dilemma as you. What changed? My dad had an accident due to the amount of hours he was working, and the plant he was working at was at risk of being shut down. Sure, his job was safe, but it would have likely meant moving somewhere else in Australia. He wasn't comfortable with that, and only then did the two of them agree with moving.

My point is this is a horrific situation, and I feel sorry for you. However, you seriously need to think about what happens next.

The points I would discuss with your husband (with regards to his career) are:

Financially;

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Finally, my biggest piece of advice is this.
Can he get a job within 20 miles of yours/his parents? One that pays enough for you to be comfortable. If the answer is no, forget about it.

You might think being in the UK - even if it is 100 miles away - would be better than being all the way out here, but it really isn't. In fact, it's worse because you know you're so close, yet so far.

kittycat1

Hi Mummy,

sending you a PM.

chin up chick!

MummytoFin

Thanks so much everyone. Your replies have all been really sensible and helpful.

It would mean a pay cut, and possibly a more junior position, but I think he's so keen to stay now that he's exaggerating how bad it would be. The company want him to stay and so are being deliberately vague about his prospects in the UK.

Blue Cat, I have been working, just recently stopped (contract finished) and I go to a group / baby activity every day. I really have tried to make a life for us here. Ironically, the only people we socialise with are my friends!

I just feel that he's being so unfair, always expecting me just go along with what he wants.

I guess I've got to decide whether I agree to stay, or I go home without him.

KittyCat - I can't recieve PMs as I havent fot 3 posts...

Thanks again guys xxx

kittycat1

i've sent you a message- justpost a random post so thenyoull have 3!

Blue Cat

you can't take his son away, think about it logically!!

auzdafluff

You're not exactly being fair either here.

Look, like I said. Sit down together and put things down on paper. Don't just talk it over, because opinions will come to the fore and it will end up in an argument.

The first thing both of you need to do is go into separate rooms, and write down every reason you want to stay/leave.

The come back together, sit down and go through them. Find out what you have in common, and what you disagree with.

Then take those things you disagree with and come up with some hard facts. How much of a pay cut would you need to take? How much will it affect his career?

Ask your husband to sit down with his employer and see if it is possible to work out a migration plan. It's not something that is going to happen this year, but if it can be done in 12 months/18 months time, then that means you can think about moving back six months before him if you're that desperate.

But don't take the kid back without his permission. You're under UAE jurisdiction, and if he manages to alert the police before you leave, your kid will be taken off you and given to him, while you'll be taken to jail. The courts favour the father here. It isn't worth taking the chance.

Meow

MummytoFin, what is it you don't like about living here? Can those things be changed/improved?

Financial issues are important and matter for your future. That said, it has to be a mutual agreement, but if you cannot support yourself then to a certain extent he has the upper hand when to comes to making the decision to stay or go. If your husband is earning far more than in the UK and saving for your future, is that not of value?

Are the people you socialise with of a like mind? If they are always talking about how they hate life in the UAE and want to go 'home' then it won't help you. I think it helps if you think of where you are living now as a home, albeit temporary, and make it as comfortable and as amenable as possible.

And rest assured that many people feel like you do, but a few adjustments might make life better for you. Keep smiling x

kittycat1

Fluffy I disagree with you, hubby promised they could go home after two years if she doesn't like it, 2 years is up and she doesn't like it and he's commited to 3 more years. I'd kill him to be honest! You sayit ahs to be amutual decision to leave, butit works both ways- ithasnt been a mutual decision to stay.

I've never loved Dubai either and I can completely relate to mummy- I've stayed here through choice and find it hard at the best of times butbite my lip and think of my house deposit, but if someone forced me to stay I can't even begin to explain how unhappy Id be here, but face like a slapped arse wouldn't come close.

I don't think she said shed just do a flit with the kid, but if she needs to leave to keep her sanity then its something she needs to do, some couples can make it work doing the long distance thing. No its not ideal but he needs to listen to his wife, she is unhappy. This place canmake you thoruoghly depressed- no money or job is worth your partner feeling like that.

It comes down to whats more important- being miserable and rich or being happy individually and happy as a couple- money comes and goes in life- if she really is unhappy here then they won't last together for 3 years here anyway as she will resent him for making her stay and will be a shadow of herself.

auzdafluff

I agree Kitty. But I've been in the husband's position before. I made the decision to give it up, and the resentment of giving up an amazing opportunity because I agreed to doing only two years ended up eating me up to the point that it killed our relationship.

You have to be very careful about that.

scrubbedexpat141

My Mrs talks regularly about wanting to go home.

I placate it with funding trips home nearly every school holiday (she's a teacher) or by having family visit her in those holidays.

Have you been back much or had those visitors regularly?

My Father retired and moved abroad when I was 17...not a great issue but we had a deal that I ALWAYS knew when I was going to see him next. It was generally every 6 months but I knew I'd see him.

If you get that process of family being seen regularly then you are only here in short bursts.

Or is it less the family and more the whole place?

What is it you dislike?

kittycat1

works both ways fluffy- she could end up resenting him if they stay- He resents her if they leave- sucks whatever way you look at it,its a no win situation!

Comes down to who wears the trousers and if the other is prepared to compromise.

Personally if I told my partner I was unhappy to live somewhere after trying to make it work and already extending past teh original agreement I would expect him to compromise- shes alredy done her bit.

scrubbedexpat141

You can't really discount the financial implications either.

You live here, he earns good money, you have a good life with baby and husband and can do (in relative terms) what you want.

You go back to Town ABC in England. Husband gets a slightly lower job, lower salary with tax to pay. You have to be more careful with money and be tighter with your cash.

You might end up being really happy back in England but money causes most arguments and when you both can't afford to do something nice or have that holiday or whatever then the perpetual argument of "if we were in Dubai still then we could have" will pop up.

Killer situation.

If you had to decide right now with your bloke saying he won't leave, no fannying about. What would you do?

MummytoFin

You're right, Scamp. If I insist on going home, I'm sure I'll hear the 'in Dubai...' line quite a lot.

I certainly have a lot to think about, but I feel I've done more than I agreed and that we've saved quite a lot of money already. I'm not sure saving for 3 more years at the expense of my happiness is acceptable.

I think we're looking at doing the long distance thing to be honest. I want to go home, restart my own career and settle my son into a community.

It's a very difficult situation, and it's not as if I don't see his side of it.

And although we disagree on this, we're not at the child abduction / calling the police stage. It's not that bad!

Thanks for taking the time everyone xx