Isis2003

can anybody please help me, i am in a desperate crisis right now. Basically, I am British living in UK, but my boyfrined is American Living in gainesville florida. Now the problem is this..I am hoping to visit him for 3 months next mar, april & may, but obviously I cant work whilst there, plus I am taking unpaid leave from my job here in uk. ok so say we get on brilliantly (i have visited him twice this year and he is coming here at xmas) but what do i do then? How on earth can i go back again? can i go back for another 3 months? if so how many times is this allowed? (then i have the problem of flight prices etc) but i cant work so thats a major problem too. But right now my main problem is that we are SICK of waiting, we cant go on like this, it is making me ill with stress and his wearing him down the constant waiting, i doubt we will survive having like 6 months between visits. It is making us bail out before we have a chance. I know we have the option of getting married, and obtaining a fiance visa, but how long does this take to process? plus we dont realy want to do something that drastic until the time is right, as we havnt spent that much time together. How can u make such a desision in 90 days (all I am allowed there)So i believe there is also the work visa? that i wuold need a degree to gain employment there plus sponsors are hard to come by. So you see, we have one hell of a problem and a very big decision to make, and there are no guarantees, yet i would be giving a lot up and if things dont work out, I am in a real mess, no home, no job. If anyone out there can help me as soon as possible I would be extremely grateful, i need to know all my possibile chances, ie what kinds of visa i could get to work there, is there a 6 monthly one? that can give me more time? ideally it would be nice to do a year there, and get employment, only then can we truly decide if we want to get married. I am sick of looking on government sites, i feel totally isolated on this, andit is very confusing. I just need some real help right now, as I cant see us making it if we are under this much pressure to decide in like 90 days if we want to commit a lifetime togehter. Sorry to go on, as I am in such a state right now I am panicking as if it is worth all the worry and pain and really need some urgent advice. Thanks for listening. PS are there any agencies that can find you employment sponsers there?

sibsie

There are people here who know far more about visas than I do, but any visa you are eligable for is going to take a long time to be approved.

Long distance relationships aren't easy as anyone on this site knows but I think you need to relax a bit and gain a bit more clarity before you make any major decisions.

Is there anyway your boyfriend can visit you after you go out and see him? Do you have to take the entire three months and lose your job? Could you take some paid and some unpaid leave and see how you feel? If it works out on the next visit, could you maybe get temp work and make more frequent but less lengthy visits?

Mrtravel

Isis2003 wrote:

How can u make
    > such a desision in 90 days (all I am allowed there)

Might I suggest that you come for 90 days and then he can visit your
homeland? At least that way, you can work while he is visiting.

Relax.. If the 90 days on VWPP isn't enough time for you to decide to
commit, then don't commit. I think that if you are going to spend 90
days with someone everyday, that should be enough time to decide whether
there is a need to go further into a relationship. A lot of successful
marriages have come from people that have spent less time together.
Being with someone for much of the day is quite different then dating
for a couple of hours a couple of times a week.

It can be difficult and time consuming to get a work visa to come.

Charles Oberle

How many visits does it take. I thought falling in love was just that.
Falling from a great precipice into something you cannot do without;
and realizing that after the fall you are way higher then you ever imagined
possible.





"Isis2003" <member18236@british_expats.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > can anybody please help me, i am in a desperate crisis right now.
    > Basically, I am British living in UK, but my boyfrined is American
    > Living in gainesville florida. Now the problem is this..I am hoping to
    > visit him for 3 months next mar, april & may, but obviously I cant work
    > whilst there, plus I am taking unpaid leave from my job here in uk. ok
    > so say we get on brilliantly (i have visited him twice this year and he
    > is coming here at xmas) but what do i do then? How on earth can i go
    > back again? can i go back for another 3 months? if so how many times is
    > this allowed? (then i have the problem of flight prices etc) but i cant
    > work so thats a major problem too. But right now my main problem is that
    > we are SICK of waiting, we cant go on like this, it is making me ill
    > with stress and his wearing him down the constant waiting, i doubt we
    > will survive having like 6 months between visits. It is making us bail
    > out before we have a chance. I know we have the option of getting
    > married, and obtaining a fiance visa, but how long does this take to
    > process? plus we dont realy want to do something that drastic until the
    > time is right, as we havnt spent that much time together. How can u make
    > such a desision in 90 days (all I am allowed there)So i believe there is
    > also the work visa? that i wuold need a degree to gain employment there
    > plus sponsors are hard to come by. So you see, we have one hell of a
    > problem and a very big decision to make, and there are no guarantees,
    > yet i would be giving a lot up and if things dont work out, I am in a
    > real mess, no home, no job. If anyone out there can help me as soon as
    > possible I would be extremely grateful, i need to know all my possibile
    > chances, ie what kinds of visa i could get to work there, is there a 6
    > monthly one? that can give me more time? ideally it would be nice to do
    > a year there, and get employment, only then can we truly decide if we
    > want to get married. I am sick of looking on government sites, i feel
    > totally isolated on this, andit is very confusing. I just need some real
    > help right now, as I cant see us making it if we are under this much
    > pressure to decide in like 90 days if we want to commit a lifetime
    > togehter. Sorry to go on, as I am in such a state right now I am
    > panicking as if it is worth all the worry and pain and really need some
    > urgent advice. Thanks for listening. PS are there any agencies that
    > can find you employment sponsers there?
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

cindyabs

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Charles Oberle
How many visits does it take. I thought falling in love was just that.
Falling from a great precipice into something you cannot do without;
and realizing that after the fall you are way higher then you ever imagined
possible.


In a perfect world that is enough. But this is far from a perfect world. Mr Travel was spot on. It takes as long as it takes to see, once the rosy glow has dimmed a bit, the practical side of things and all that is involved in building a life together. If it's good and strong enough now between two people then it won't go away over a few months. It's not a bad idea to see how each person is in their own "safe" zone and whether the other can adapt to that. "All you need is love" is NOT the whole picture.

jeffreyhy

Isis,

Your post is full of conflicting thoughts, it sounds to me as if your anguish is self-imposed.

You and your boyfriend must make up your minds what you want to do, and then do it. Your questions are higly personal, only you and he can decide what course of action is right for you. Following someone else's course may not suit you.

Life can be tough sometimes. But your problems are certainly surmountable

Regards, JEff

sibsie

Steve and I spent 3 weeks on his boat in very close confines this summer with no way of escaping. It was a really good tester.

But like the others have said no one can tell you how best to proceed with your relationship so that you get to the stage where you "know" it's the right thing. That's something only you can do.

Ray

Hi S.... still dithering...

NO WONDER MEN GO MAD WTH WOMENS LOGIC

Isis2003

Awww thanks guys, yes you are right, we must decide in the right time, i think i just panic a bit because I AM very involved with thtis person and I got scared wehn he said he was depressed and i felt he was losing hope, its been like 3 months since we last saw each other, he is younger than me so i do get insecure, plus I am putting my future in his hands i suppose. As people have said, its ok when you first meet, everyone is in the rosy glow stage, but i worry about what IF it wears off after we are fully married, im the one giving up my job, home to be there withhim, and he cant leave as he is undertaking a doctorate for 3 years there, and if he visites me after xmas he can only get a week or so time. its so frustrating. but yes all i can do is wait till i do the 3 months next dam year
Sorry Ray, yes im still in same boat as im always on my own here in UK, not much can change fast when you only see each other like 4 weeks over the last 12 months but thanks for your replies guys, its nice to have people to talk to in similare situations i suppose. bye

Charles Oberle

How many visits does it take. I thought falling in love was
just that. Falling from a great precipice into something you cannot do
without;
and realizing that after the fall you are way higher then you ever
imagined possible.



Well, I am glad you have such a business and ordered way.
The accounting will of course put together true love spread sheet.

But for me it begs the question, "could not a spouse be found amongst the
several million people of her home country?" After all, if it is just a
matter of finding some not-so-special person that one can adapt to, then it
would be significantly cheaper and easier to just check out the local
possibilities.
Personally I think, "All you need is love" is the whole picture.
If this lyric is thought to mean that one needs personal character, that
love begins within oneself, then the natural chaos that a business
orientation resolves becomes non-existant, i.e. an individual becomes a
unique center-- two unique centers acting spontaneous without a personal
agenda.
Just a couple of tootsie roll pops in this "far from a perfect
world."



"cindyabs" <member3791@british_expats.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > Originally posted by Charles Oberle
    > > How many visits does it take. I thought falling in love was
    > > just that.
    > > Falling from a great precipice into something you cannot do without;
    > > and realizing that after the fall you are way higher then you ever
    > > imagined
    > > possible.
    > >
    > >
    > > In a perfect world that is enough. But this is far from a perfect
    > > world. Mr Travel was spot on. It takes as long as it takes to see,
    > > once the rosy glow has dimmed a bit, the practical side of things and
    > > all that is involved in building a life together. If it's good and
    > > strong enough now between two people then it won't go away over a few
    > > months. It's not a bad idea to see how each person is in their own
    > > "safe" zone and whether the other can adapt to that. "All you need is
    > > love" is NOT the whole picture.
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Clare & Steven

Charles,
I thought this was a very beautiful way to describe Love.
Thankyou for posting that
Clare

cindyabs

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Charles Oberle
How many visits does it take. I thought falling in love was
just that. Falling from a great precipice into something you cannot do
without;
and realizing that after the fall you are way higher then you ever
imagined possible.



Well, I am glad you have such a business and ordered way.
The accounting will of course put together true love spread sheet.

But for me it begs the question, "could not a spouse be found amongst the
several million people of her home country?" After all, if it is just a
matter of finding some not-so-special person that one can adapt to, then it
would be significantly cheaper and easier to just check out the local
possibilities.
Personally I think, "All you need is love" is the whole picture.
If this lyric is thought to mean that one needs personal character, that
love begins within oneself, then the natural chaos that a business
orientation resolves becomes non-existant, i.e. an individual becomes a
unique center-- two unique centers acting spontaneous without a personal
agenda.
Just a couple of tootsie roll pops in this "far from a perfect
world."

If I thought the way you seem to be implying then I would not be on this board, nor gone through the trials and tribulations involved in loving and living with someone from another country.........Obviously that means I would have settled for someone who I could bump along with through life, nothing special with no ecstatic peaks and no valleys of despair, because it was convienent, becausen they were here. I was NOT advocating that, I do NOT measure love on a spreadsheet. What I was trying to impart was that it IS important to see the practical side of things involved in maintaining and nuturing a relationship, especially an overseas one, without the dramatic flourishes. If you doubt that, then perhaps you should read the Heartbroken thread that is currently on here-love itself was NOT enough for this couple and that is a very sad thing........

cindyabs

Since I answered Charles in my previous post, it's time to talk to you. Being in love also involves being a cheerleader getting each other up and over the rough spots. Granted it's not easy doing it from 5000 miles away, but there are ways. As for the limited time together, consider that a blessing because there is no time to "sweat the small stuff", but a special time to simply revel in being together. If this is a good relationship then it evolves from there, there won't just be the flames of passion, but the warming steady glow of friendship as well. My husband and I were apart for 18 months of engagement and over three years of marriage, so I know what I am talking about. Nobody says it's easy, but it's not insurmountable. Hang tough.

Khadija

Hmmmm...I must say I envy those who have loved ones from VWP countries. At least you have the chance to visit each other's countries while you're waiting. Unfortunately, for some of us, it's all one way - only we can go visit our fiances/spouses while we wait and then not all of those folks have the resources for even that.

That being said, I would strongly suggest you keep hanging around this NG to see how most of us cope with these long separations. There are no easy or fast ways to make this process go as quickly as we'd all like it to. The process is not for the faint-hearted nor for the the less-than-totally committed. You and your honey have to search your heart-of-hearts and determine if this is for the long-haul or not. Then file for a K1 if you want to get married here or marry in your country and have your then husband file for a K3. Either way it's going to be about 8 months until you're together.

Perhaps I'm inordinately lucky to have a spouse who's willing to be patient and do what it takes to be together lawfully forever but then so are a lot of the folks on this NG. It is possible for a relationship to endure long separations for various reasons and survive. For example, my husband and I have seen each other a total of 11 weeks in the 2 1/2 years we've been together yet we feel as married as a couple who've been living together for the same length of time. It's all about how committed your are to making your relationship work regardless of where you are.

I'm always a little skeptical of those who get upset and worry that this long separation will kill their chance for love. It's not the separation itself which will dampen your relationship but the self-doubts you allow to creep into your heads which will do that. As Cindy pointed out, there are many ways to keep your relationship alive during this period. It's a matter of love, strength and determination.

Of course you're going to have doubts about the move. Sure it would be nice if you could "try it out" before giving up everything. There was a good thread yesterday regarding how many of us are trying to prepare our loved ones for the culture shock they'll inevitably face. It's not a perfect world, there will be a wait until you're together, you will have some trouble adjusting to your new life. Is that a reason to not move ahead and be with the man you love. No. There are some things you just have to do on faith. That's what most of us are relying on to get us through those rough spots.

Hang in there. In the grand scheme of things, 8 months or so is nothing compared to a lifetime together with the man you love. Time always moves forward not backward. The sooner you two make the commitment to "go for it", the sooner you can get the necessary paperwork filed and start counting down the days along with the rest of us on the NG!

Patty Khadijah

Isis2003

well my situ is complicated he is 25 at university, and i am 33 employed full time in UK, so u can see my worries, he has an active social life suddenly and has suddenly got new friends, he only went on a 4 day business trip to New Orleans and had such a good time, then wehn he returned and talked to me he said he was depressed and its gettting to him as im just not there, I asked him why suddenly he siad he jsut didnt know, so i am having doubts , i cant put my future in the hands of someone who can change simply because he had a good time, or is it the fact we havent been togetehr for like 3 months and he is young. so i worry that if i get to rely on this plan and he bails out then ive lost months of pay, and will be very hurt, i dont know im just protecting myself i think. He also said, ok so u visit next year for 3 months, great, but what then? i think he is feeling under pressure to HAVE to marry me, and at 25 i worry he may not be ready yet he does want to be with me too, its so complicated. I just dont knowwat to think, he is still visiting me, but im worried what willhappen between the two months untill we next see each other. We were always so strong, i jsut feel he has more friends now and donesnt put all his hopes on me as much, maybe im just looking into things, im not sure.

thanks for listening