Holliver

Hi guys,

Sorry this turned into a heff of a post

So, my situation is this - I live in Japan (four years now) and up until about 7 months ago had always assumed I would be returning to England at some point. But things have changed and I will soon be applying for the K-1 visa.

When I came to Japan I never had any intention of staying here for life. It was always a temporary thing. So, although I often find myself frustrated by the language constraints and culture difference I have accepted it for how it is because, at the back of my head, I`ve always thought I would eventually return to good old Blighty. But now this isn`t the case and it looks like I will be taking the leap straight from Japan to the US.

I suddenly feel torn. My heart pulls me towards America and my boyf who I can`t imagine life without - but it also pulls me back toward England, to my family and friends (who for the past four years have been wondering when I would be returning). So now I feel very sad to think that I won`t ever really be able to spend the time that I had thought I　would be able to spend with them (if that makes sense). But at the same time I feel like this is a life lesson and I`m sure, when I really think about it that I wouldn`t be able to just see all my friends like before. Since college/uni we`ve all scattered.

After living in Japan for four years and sometimes feeling fairly isolated due to language difficulties I`ve just been really looking forward to going home and speaking English. So, upon deciding to come to America I therefore sought solace in the fact that "at least Americans speak English." But after reading the many posts from members it sounds like it can be very difficult to make friends, not impossible, but difficult. I know the culture is very different and I expect it to be nothing like England.

So, I just wondered about other BEs. What were/are your experiences with uprooting from home? Did/do you feel like you had/have "unfinished business"? Any words of advice?

Sarah

Why can't your bf go to England?

Noorah101

Once you've come to the USA, married, and filed your AOS, you will be receiving an Advance Parole travel document. This allows you to leave the USA and return without abandoning your AOS process. It takes about 60 - 90 days to get AP in hand, but then you are free to visit back home for a while to satisfy your urge. Once you have your green card in hand, you can visit more often.

Rene

Extreme

That is not my experience at all. I find Americans to be open, easy to talk to and always interested in making new friends. They'll be interested in your foreign background both coming from the UK and living in Japan.

Bob

I think a lot of it will depend on where in the US you end up moving too, what kind of work you'll be able to get and if you've got a family or not built into the move etc.

It's all hit or miss.

What's wrong with moving to the UK? Or staying in Japan? It'll be neutral middle ground at least.

CAdreaming

I've been in US nearly 3 months and I have found Americans very friendly, open and welcoming - I have made a group of friends who I am getting to know better as time goes by - we have lunch -they made an afternoon tea for me and are really nice.

I am aware however that i am in a small town in quite an isolated county in northern california so maybe this has something to do with it?

People seem to have gone out of their way to welcome me. I have sometimes been overwhelmed by their generosity of spirit.

Now this doesn't mean that it isn't all still unfamiliar and strange and that i dont miss blighty but it does help

I agree with posts about your advanced parole as im waiting for mine -once you know you can get back to the UK then I think that it will help you settle more (if that makes sense - this is my experience anyway - you wont feel so "stuck")

I say go for it ---if it doesnt work for you then you can always go back to the UK. Let us know what you decide to do and good luck

Holliver

He just moved back to the US (from Japan) after being offered a very good job for his age and experience so it wouldn`t be a wise career move for him to come to the UK. We did discuss moving to the UK, but logically it makes sense for me to move to the US. I don`t have an established career (I don`t even know what I want to do. Eek!) so I couldn`t ask him to give up his. I wouldn`t be able to support him in the UK,　whereas he can support me in the US.

He promises me that in ten years he will look for a job in the UK. I believe him but when I move over we hope to buy a house, have kids, find me a job and settle in to life together. Also, his job has the opportunity of promotion and in ten years I think he will feel like he can`t leave his job. I spoke to him about it again last night and he maintains that we can move but I think I`m just being realistic. I want to settle down and make a life somewhere. I`ve felt constantly on the move since I started uni (changed house every year), moved back home for a year then moved to Japan. So I want this final move to be the last.

Soooooo, to answer your question - he`s got a decent job and I don`t.

Sally Redux

Where is he moving to in the US and have you been there?

Holliver

Sorry, just worked out how to multi quote. I`m not used to all this technology.

Neither of us want to stay in Japan. As I mentioned before - I`m desperate to go somewhere English speaking. I`m fed up with not being to express exactly what I want to say. (Yes, I have been learning Japanese - but it`s difficult and besides I`m way funnier in English). In Japan foreigners will always be "foreign". Because it`s such a homogenous society foreigners really stick out and are treated differently (in good and bad ways). My boyf is Japanese-American and he struggled in Japan too. People expected him to "be/act" Japanese but having been brought up in America he was forever putting his foot in it at work because he did not know the customs. And even though he is fluent he sometimes had language troubles. He couldn`t wait to get back to his beloved home country.


Sounds like you`ve met some very friendly people. That reassures me. Thank you I still intend to come to America, there`s no question for me - I want to be with my lovely boyf I`m going to be in San Diego. I was just wondering how other people cope leaving beautiful sunny England and all their friends and family.

Holliver

San Diego. Yes, we went last year and I met his parents. We didn`t have much time to spend there cos half the trip was spent in Austin, TX (AMAZING food!!!!) and he had to get back to Japan for work.

I can`t really remember what I thought of SD. I just remember the area where he lived was a bit rough Ooh, we did go to a lovely botanical place. By some park, with a science museum. Balboa? Oh and I remember driving round for ages trying to find a supermarket.



Thank you

Sally Redux

I just wondered if you had a reasonable idea of where you were moving to. San Diego is certainly a pleasant part of the country.

Having your heart torn is quite a good description of the state of being an expat. As long as you are aware of that, you should be able to cope.

penguinsix

It sounds like you have been living in Japan "on hold". You were biding your time until you went back to your home to your friends and your family. You put up with the culture shock and language problems because eventually there was going to be the payoff of being where you wanted, back in the UK.

Unfortunately, coming to the US is not going to change this.

Sure you may know what's going on with the telly, and you might make a few more friends here than you had in Japan, but if you are still just "on hold" until you return you'll kind of be in this weird 'transient' state. You'll be waiting to settle down and start a life and a family and get on with everything--back home. You'll be with someone you love but the next steps of your life are going to be "on hold" yet again until you return--back home. The mere presence of English language and a slightly more familiar culture is not going to move your life forward any more than living in Japan, if moving your life forward means going back to the UK.

That's not to say you shouldn't come. Far from it. It's just that if you do come you should have a very clear goal of what you hope to take out of the experience. There is a lot you can take out of living in the US, some positive, some negative. A few years in the states might open a door to an opportunity you cannot yet even fathom.

But moving here solely for a promise in 'ten years' we're going to be fully settled back in the UK is, well, honestly…umm…sorry, I've heard that one before, as has everyone on any expat message board.

If you are coming here simply as a stop over to your final goal, you need to know a bit better that your final goal is truly obtainable. That doesn't mean have a knock-down drag-out argument before you leave Japan. No, come over, stay--live the life of an American for a year or two at least. But as you do so, live it with this question: "Could I spend the rest of my life here with the person I love? Could I raise my children here, buy a house, find a career, join a community of others and have the UK be a 'couple of weeks every other year to see Grandma'? Could this become 'my home'?"

If the answer to this is "no" then you really have to start asking how realistic is his moving over to the UK? You said your boyfriend is "out of place" in Japan. Honestly now, how do you think he is going to fit in your corner of the UK? Seriously. Will he like working there? Will he fit in culturally? And when he has a down day or week or month or year, how are you going to deal with him feeling EXACTLY LIKE YOU DO NOW about returning to his home and his family and his friends, in the USA?

Expat message boards, regardless of where the person is coming from and where they now find themselves located, are filled to the brim with broken hearts and busted dreams. We have our share of success stories too, but there are also many sad tales of following the whims of your heart only to eventually come to a much colder reality--a reality that sometimes is almost inescapable due to financial or (new) family concerns.

I guess in the end what I'm asking you is to come with open eyes and an open mind. Can you live your life here forever? How realistic is the chance of moving home? If the answers to these questions are already pre-determined--if you are flat out determined that your life cannot move forward until you are living in the UK, then you are going to have to ask why are you waiting to get started with the rest of your life?

Sorry to be a bit blunt. Good luck with this very tough decision.

Holliver

Oh Penguin,

I loved your message. Very helpful and succinct which explained it better than I could in my tangled up brain. I appreciate such direct comments.

You totally hit the nail on the head. "On hold" were exactly the words I was thinking of (but couldn`t remember how to say it). I agree this ten years business is rubbish and that`s why as much as I appreciate my boyf`s offer I just can`t do it. Coming to the US will be forever for me.

You mention me coming to America for a "year or two at least," we looked into it because neither of us wanted to marry when we first started talking about this 10 months ago, but I don`t see how I can stay for that long - I can`t get a job (I don`t fall in the `skilled proffessional` criteria for the visa). I don`t want to be an international student and pay ridiculous amounts of education just for the sake of doing it. Can you offer some advice?

I think it`s just taking me some time to wrap my head around it. It just suddenly occured to me the other day that I would be leaving the UK forever, so that`s why I posted my thread. I`m determined not to live my life on hold when I get to America. Haha, like Michael Jackson`s tour - This Is It! I`ll just think of it like breaking up with a boyfriend, need time to get over it, accept that it`s over and I`m going to get a new boyfriend which won`t be the same as my first love, just different - with different good/bad points.

Extreme

Well, that's my area of expertise! After living here for 6+ years...
AFC = America's Finest City Award, Superfriendly people, Extremely laid back, tons of stuff to do, the mighty pacific, close to Mexico, close to snowboarding, melting pot etc...

Out of, lets say, 10 of my closest friends, 8 are probably not from here. I'm not kidding. Most are from other parts of the US, some other parts of the world (incl. UK and Japan). My guess is that this creates a certain vibe and openness to strangers...

I'm really curious now to know where he lives...
Balboa Park you got that right. Cool place, right next to downtown.
Hmm.. we have a lot of grocery stores.... That should be a one time problem..

I think you're in for a great adventure!

Englishman43

I've been in San Diego 13 years. Which part of San Diego are you thinking of moving to ?

There is a good sized Brit community here if you want to get a fix of "Britishness" once in a while just check out meetup.com and search for groups.

And they've just started flying direct from London to San Diego so your fam is only one short plane ride away..