Rete

While he might have a point if you didn't have at least one joint account together, it is not an altogether valid point. In today's society spouses do not always share one account. For example, my husband and I have separate savings accounts and he has a separate checking account and we have one household joint account. He has his own IRA and I have mine. I am not beneficiary of his nor is he beneficiary of mine. Many married females keep their maiden names rather than assuming their new husband's name.

Your husband is a bully. Allow him to rant and rave and know that it is only hot air and meaningless.

Look for Poppy's posts on the forum. Once you are divorced, file for the waiver of removal of conditions via form I-751. Before you leave the house take all the documentation you can lay your hands on including all your USCIS immigration papers. Leave nothing behind. I'm very serious about that.

As have as much of a chance of getting the waiver as a still married couple has of getting their conditions removed.

Archibald_Leach

I'd document your history together before you forget dates etc, the times he threatened or verbally abused you, the times he threatened to try and get you deported, the jobs he obtained with your help and got fired from, the time you had to spend away from your home because you were scared, i'd also kick his butt into touch as it sounds like he wont assist you any further with your status, but thats just what I would do, i'm no expert.

Your husband is abusing the immigration service by using it as a threat against you in order to get you to do what he wants, document it, he sounds like a sleazebag, I dont think a USCIS officer would take him seriously as long as you can point to his true character. Infact if they werent so busy they might want a quiet word with him about blackmailing immigrants!

just my tuppence worth (i mean 2 cents worth)

ian-mstm

Your husband is as full of hot air as he is of beer! You are a PR... and you remain one until an immigration judge says you're not... and that's a whole different scenario than just a "couple of phone calls"! He may believe what he threatens, but he's just blowing hot air.


Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once an abuser, always an abuser. I don't make light of these statements. There is *no* cure for either alcoholism or abusive behavior... and he has already gone over to the dark side.

Protect yourself. Get out of the house... and get out now. Don't think about it... do it.


He may have a good heart... but that's irrelevant. His best intentions will ultimately fall by the wayside to make room for his true nature. Even if he stops drinking and seeks therapy for the abusive behavior... you will *always* be waiting for the other shoe to fall, and that is *no* way to live your life.


See! It will *never* change.


Get another lawyer... this one is an idiot.

Ian

kuda23

I'm sorry I didn't thank everyone for the support and suggestions but I finally made the step and moved out (again).
My husband was for the past two weeks drinking even more and every night I was just wondering if I'm going to see an angry person or if he's going to cry and ask me to wait and what not. Well, he kept telling me how much he loves me and what not but I can't talk to my friends, I need to be more supportive of him and wait until he finds a job. I guess also his parents talked to him about his drinking b/c suddenly after I told him I want to leave, he realized he has a drinking problem. But I had to leave anyway. He thinks he can just quit but I know he can't because the other night he brought me the whole case of beers and asked me to not let him drink- well the case was gone in the next two days- well I'm thinking that's what happened but I'm not sure if that was another case that I just found hidden in the bathroom cabinet.
So now his parents think I wasn't committed b/c he's getting help from a cured alcoholic who had this problem for 20 years and his wife stood by him.
But I still don't think talking to someone over the phone will solve his addiction. I don't think he gets the concept he'll never be able to drink (even one beer) for the rest of his life.
So last night he mentioned that since I'm not committed he wants to file for divorce on Monday and kept asking me if that's what I want him to do or if I'm committed to work on this relationship but of course, I need to work on my issues so he would work on his. He never once said he's sorry for putting me through this and making my life more complicated. He's still staying in the house where I'm paying all the utilities, plus I'm paying for his internet, cell phone, cable. He even told me that's part of life that I'm paying for it.
He still believes I owe him for something. On top of it, his parents want all the copies of my paperwork b/c they want to know if they are responsible for anything since they were co-sponsors and since I'm not committed they want no part of this immigration issue. Is there any way they can be taken off my application? I actually used two co-sponsors. My husband didn't qualify with his income, so I initially asked my sister's parents in law and they signed the papers no problem. When it came down to filing, I told my husband he doesn't need to ask his parents, that I found another co-sponsor and he threw a fit that his parents would be offended if I don't include them as well- well, here we are now- they are on it and don't want any part of it anymore.
Does anyone know what I should do?
Sorry I'm just rambling, but I just can't believe how someone can be so selfish after I'm trying to do anything and everything to make it work and being civil and not revengeful, and they don't care one bit that they can completely twist my life around.

petalsf

Hi there

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm sure there will be people along shortly with the amazing knowledge to point you in the right direction.

Regarding the inlaws. If they have any "rights" to your "paperwork" it should only be copies of whatever they've signed (and they should have made sure they had copies at the time of agreement anyway). I don't think it's an easy process for them to just "pull out" of being your joint-sponsors, but others here will know far more than me.

Please please don't let him or his inlaws bully you. Learn your legal rights and don't give them an inch. They shouldn't be making you suffer for their son abusing you. You haven't done anything wrong from what you've said and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Btw, question for the other folks here. If the husband does try to call the USCIS claiming the marriage was a fraud, surely he's going to risk getting himself into a lot of trouble too? I wonder if he understands this? :P

best wishes, petals

ri_mischief

Hi - just wanted to say that I really feel for you....

I was in a similarly bullying marriage with someone who used to threaten me with all sorts when he'd been drinking (not USCIS because this was back in the UK). What I found was once I stood up to him and started divorce proceedings he laid off me. Basically the minute I stopped reacting was when he did it - he knew he didn't have the power to hurt me anymore (this is emotional I'm talking about similar stuff to you - just different topics - he was never physically violent). I even had to threaten his parents with the police / an injunction when they started pulling a similar stunt as your ex-inlaws (mine was about money that I supposedly owed them - money that had been used to pay off HIS debts)

I guess all I'm trying to say is - hang in there - stay strong and try to stop reacting to him - it's like a playground bully - once you stand up to them (shout back or just ignore) they do go away....or at least in my case - they feed off fear

Jerseygirl

Excellent advice.

Why are you still paying his bills? I would put a stop to that immediately. I agree with petalsf...don't let you husband or his family bully you and don't hand over originals of anything...only copies. In fact I would try to engage the services of a competent lawyer and let him handle your husband and in-laws.

meauxna

I'm sorry for everything you are having to go through; it can't be nice for anyone involved.

About your paperwork, I wouldn't hand over anything. Your immigration is YOUR business.
If they signed a contract and did not keep a copy, that is unfortunate for them, but they can find out everything they need to know by reviewing form I-864. I wouldn't give them anything that has your A# or personal details on it.

This article discusses the different options YOU have regarding divorce, abuse etc: http://www.familybasedimmigration.co...505#conditions

They can not be taken off of your application. If it is true, you could assure them that you won't go on welfare and you won't sue them for support at 125% of the poverty line.. you're already doing better than that. (those are the primary things the I-864 covers, and the primary sponsor, your husband, would be approached for repayments first).

kuda23

Thank you all for your support and suggestions.
At this point I don't believe separation will solve anything- I've left in the past because of his drinking and behavior (not working and letting me pay for everything) and he would promise things would get better and he would stop and it always goes back to the same thing- as soon as he knows I'm OK with the situation and things seem calm, he goes back to his old behavior.
As far as his parents go- it's just upsetting that they asked me to wait little bit longer to see if my husband can work on things and get his life straight and they even agreed with me that I need to do whatever is best for me and that they also think that me leaving might be the best wake up call for him- there are consequences for his behavior; and suddenly they are again just on his side and don't really care what I'll have to go through. They keep saying they should have never gotten involved in buying a house for us b/c now that I'm leaving there's noone to make the payments.
I guess the consolation prize for me is the fact that everyone from my new job and my old job (where we used to work together) are supportive and tell me I can do much better than this and deserve a loving and caring partner.

ri_mischief

It's sad but true that he won't change. At the end of the day they're his parents and will always be "on his side". Do you have any family that you can rely on or friends to help you through this?

He won't change - sadly he can't. He's sick - and he needs to get help, but you can't do this for him. This is the conclusion that I came to - I wasn't qualified to help. The next stage by the way is that he'll start blaming you (or at least it was in my case) for any help that you try to give - suddenly all the problems that my ex had were down to me (he had issues with his parents and it was all my fault that I'd tried to keep them "in touch" with eachother)

Please be stronger than I was - I was married for 8 years and there wasn't a morning in the last 4 that I didn't wake up thinking about divorcing him. It took me taking a temporary assignment in the US and some space to make me realise how bad things were. Only then did I have the strength to break free from it.

ian-mstm

I know how difficult a decision it was to leave... good for you. Don't go back!


All alcoholics think they can "just quit". All of them are in denial until they hit rock bottom... and I can assure you, your husband isn't there yet.


At the end of the day, it doesn't matter one iota what his parents think.


Well then... things are looking up. If he doesn't file on Monday, you file on Tuesday. I fully suspect that you'll be filing on Tuesday... because he'll find some excuse to not file on Monday. Don't back down... do it. I'll warn you now... it's not over. He will likely fight you every step of the way... he'll plead with you, he'll try to guilt you, he'll push every button he can in an effort to change your mind. Don't back down!


He doesn't see this as being his fault... he will always make it somebody else's fault... right up until he hits rock bottom - when all his friends have left him, when his family deserts him (yes, perhaps even his parents), when he has no money, when he has no work, when he has nothing left but his own thoughts alone in the night.


Stop paying... right now. As long as you continue to pay for anything... absolutely anything at all, he will continue to suck you dry. Sever your financial ties to him... immediately.


Give them nothing. Immigration is *your* business, not theirs. If they didn't keep copies of the paperwork they submitted, that's their issue... not yours!


It sounds like your husband learned his behavior from good teachers! You owe the parents *nothing*.

Ian

ri_mischief

Good call Ian - on all counts - OP - please listen to him

kuda23

he actually found a job and is starting on Monday- we'll see how long he's going to stay with this one since the last one only lasted around 3 months- then he got fired for no call no show and didn't tell me about it for a month.
I guess I'll just give his parents the copies of I486 but white out my SSN and A# since they are so desperate for it.
I wasn't thinking about filing for divorce right away but I guess there's no point in waiting- as you guys mentioned at the end he'll find an excuse not to file and either he'll start begging for my committment or start threatening.

Noorah101

Personally I would not do this. They do NOT need to know anything about your immigration paperwork. If you feel like you have to give them anything, just give them back a copy of the I-864 which THEY signed, and their own copies of their income/tax documents.

Don't provide them with anything related to your own immigration. There is absolutely no reason they will need it for anything.

Rene

Bill_S

Why? It's none of their business. Your I-485 has NOTHING to do with them. DON'T give them copies.