danp

I don’t know why some people rush.

It is so amusing to see people call their spouse "hubby" "wify" in this forum when they try to bring them here and then few years later we hear them calling them all kinds of horrible names (“vicious” is one I heard recently) during separation and divorce.

Why all this excitement and idolizing at the beginning? I say take it easy and keep your balance. Because praising someone too fast just makes it more difficult to say anything bad about them in the future once you really get to know who they really are.

You can truly love someone without having to be foolishly obsessed. Cool it a bit.

Just my observation.. beat up on me if you wish..but I am sure some see my point.

Dan

nettlebed

Is that an exhortation to your vicious wifey?

danp

Not at all. I have been with my "wifey" for 7 years and feel I have a good relationship her. I have learned that love and marriage is one difficult thing. Getting along with a person takes a lot of effort and comes at huge cost and sacrifice. And when it works out, it is the best thing. I just think it is best to not rush and really take time to know a person especially when you have just met a person and you have not had the chance to understand them. This takes time and it is different than having love for them.

If you do this even if it does not work out, you won't be suprised because you had a more rational expectation. Just my opinon and I am not saying people should change. I am just expressing my observation.

BTW, I would be very careful of "online marriages". It is difficlut enough to know a person. I think most are motivated by getting a "green card" and care less if the marriage actually works. So, I say be careful. It is a good thing to love but don't rush..

my best!

Dan

Noorah101

So I have a question for you. How do you propose to those people who DO meet on the internet, to get to know each other over such a long time as you're saying? Obviously the foreigner can't move to the USA until he has a visa....and the USC can't always just up and move to the foreigner's home country because of job/finances/family/whatever. How do you propose that a couple like this could get to know each other better except for emails, chats, and short visits?

Sometimes you just have to follow your heart and take an educated chance.

Rene

Noorah101

Hi Dan,

How did you meet your current wife?

Rene

gooner81

Dan you need some perspective and ASAP.

Yes unfortunately there are divorces and akward situations in these forums and it is not a good thing, but here is where your opinion falters in a critical way.

These forums are GENERALLY used by people who need help and feel daunted by the process, or just for research. If you consider the large number of people that come to the US with marraige based visa's then added up every single person who has reported problems with their partner i am sure you will find that it probably comes to 2 or 3%.

People who have successes do not post no where near as often on these forums because they have no need to apart from to give the odd bit of advice or to share there success with others that have helped them and to give guideline to those who need it.

By making this comment and thread don't be surprised if and i say if you need help with anything some people may be more reluctant to give it due to your opinions.

danp

Noorah101, we agree. I think you already said it: "educated chance". All I am saying it, it is good to be optimistic but still leave room for doubt. It is hard to balance the two especially when you are deeply in love at the start of a relationship but I think it is a must.

Another thing is don't forget the cultural differences. I happen to think most intercultural marriages are even more difficult.

Dan

danp

In person at a community event.

nettlebed

What is a must? I don't necessarily think that one needs to be deeply in love at the start of a relationship for a marriage to work. Commitment, shared goals and aspirations, companionship, tolerance: these can all be just as important in getting a marriage going, and can be more so in keeping it going...

ian-mstm

Geez... people aren't actually getting married online are they? I've heard that some people meet online but I think it's just a fad... and it'll probably stop promptly once word gets out!

Ian

danp

Yes but how do you know all this at the start of a relationship especially when your spouce is someone you hardly know and more so is coming from a different cultural background and thus priorities.

I don't think you and I disagree in the principle. All I am saying it, I notice people rush to talk about the new spouces glowingly waaaayy too quickly before they really get to know them. This is even more important when you are about to marry someone you hardly know from a totall different culture than yours.

I am saying there is no need to mix "being in love" with "being realistic". Hard to do but I still say it is a must.

Dan

danp

Ian, you know what I mean.. smile smile..

Ray

Oh!! Danp ..you are young ..Human emotions is responsible for all the happiness AND sadness is this world...I actually agree with you ..But we can't control the emotion of others... YET..

Noorah101

Hi Dan,

You're right, it's good to be optimistic yet be prepared in case it doesn't work out. But sometimes life surprises you...and you have no clue it's coming. The people who post on this board of their failed marriages, are looking for guidance with the effect it will have on their immigration. People from the same country who get introduced in person and date for a while before marriage, still end up in divorce as well....so why should international marriages be any different? Things happen.

Cultural difference exist, for sure. But I think a high percentage of people who marry outside their own culture are prepared to learn about the new culture, or at least be tolerant of the differences.

In my 25 years of experience with a culture other than my own, I think problems in a relationship have more to do with personality match than cultural differences. When you think about it, if a marriage doesn't work out because of "cultural differences", it's because one party or the other didn't have the right personality to go with the flow of any cultural differences that might present itself. It all comes down to personality and tolerance.

Now if the marriage doesn't work out because of abuse, cheating, or some other big issue, that's a different story, and that could happen to anyone - and doesn't always mean you can predict that happening.

As we agreed on, it's all about an educated chance.

Rene <---stepping off the soapbox. lol

HunterGreen

I think he's just trying to promote first cousin marriages.

Elaine