I thought I'd ask this here because I know you guys won't hold back with what you think!

My granddaughter's Mom (who was 16 when she had my granddaughter) wants to put my granddaughter, who is 14 1/2 - on the pill because she THINKS my granddaughter has a boyfriend.

I am very close with my granddaughter. She tells me that she can't discuss female type things with her Dad and she doesn't get along with her mother. I have told my granddaughter that she can confide in me and I won't betray her confidences, BUT if she told me something serious, then I would tell her that I was going to tell her Dad. I wouldnt go behind her back and do it. I think its good that she confides in me, but she will stop doing it if I betray her confidences.

Anyway, my first inclination was that it was stupid and insulting for her Mom to say she doesn't trust her and must go on the pill. For starters, I think it might encourage my granddaughter to have sex. And then the chances are that she will forget to take her pill every day. At which point, having been encouraged to have sex by making her take the pill - she is then more likely to get pregnant by forgetting to take it. And I know darn well - she will forget to take it!

I talked about it with my granddaughter. We discussed the definition of boyfriend and she says this boy is not her boyfriend but he might be in the future. But she is not so stupid as to have sex. She says she is not stupid, she is not like her mother! She said she is not going to get pregnant. I said "Yes but you can't blame them for thinking that you might."

She is really nice friends, one of whom lives across the street from me and she has been friends with her since they were three! This girl has an older brother and sister who are sensible responsible people and her parents seem very strict. My granddaughter is OK at school. Her two friends are top of the class. The three girls come to my house all the time and this is where they have the gatherings and sleepovers. She says she doesn't want her friends at her Mom's because she doesn't like her Mom and her room at her dad's is small and they have my whole basement. I KNOW they are not getting up to trouble down there because at any time I can and do open the basement door and I can immediately see the whole basement. They are playing music and texting.

I think that she and her friends are probably the "goody goodies" of the school and the teachers pets. They are friendly with one of the teachers who just had a baby and they have been to her house to visit her since. This would not be the case if they were the baddies at school. She also won the class award at her Grade 8 grad for being the most improved student. I am just saying this because they are not badly behaved. They don't hang around sitting on the sidewalk outside 711. They don't hang out in the food court at the malls. I am not sure if this makes her or them more or less likely to have sex. I am just saying that they are pretty well home bodies out of school. They are good kids.

I obviously do not want her to have sex at this age - or get pregnant. But you can't lock her in a closet for 10 years.

As I am her grandmother rather than her mother, I immediately trust what she says. Occasionally I have been wrong. Her Mom always has seemed very negative and is (in my mind) only to willing to think the worst of her.

I am going to chat to her Dad about my discussion with my granddaughter, but before I do, I wanted to know if I am being old-fashioned. Do you agree with me about making a 14 year old take the pill? Does it encourage her to have sex?

I dont think contraception knowledge / availability has any influence over whether kids have sex or not.

Look at the US, kids in states pushing abstinence and not teaching contraception still have just as much sex, if not more than those armed with some pertinent facts. The only difference is that the states not pushing condoms seem to have much higher STD rates.

I think in this case EVERYONE should look carefully at the other effects of the pill, but ultimately this is something your granddaughter and her mother are going to have to figure out for themselves (even if you are pointing your granddaughter in the direction of some good information so she can make her own mind up and argue her own case well)

She sounds a sensible sort, hopefully her mother can be pursuaeded to trust her judgment.

As someone who works/has worked with teens for a while I think the Mom and her need some time to work on their relationship, and you are treading on very dodgy ground to be honest....I understand that you love her to bits, but if she picks up that the adults in life aren't singing off the same pages then this will only add to trouble. Teens are very good at playing people off each other.....

I don't think the pill adds to having sex, but I am concerned that someone would be using it at 14 if they don't need to, purely from a health perspective alone.

Mum obviously loves her daughter, however she may choose to show it, and is trying to do the best for her and maybe wishes this is exactly the kind of pragmatic care that she had.I would personally suggest that Mum and daughter maybe go see a professional who is used to working with parent/teen relationships if things are that bad. Let them talk things through so they are both heard in a safe environment, these two could really benefit long term from this.

From yourself, I see that you are caught between the devil and the deep blue see, but like you say just because she's hanging about with a boy it doesn't mean that she's having sex, all I think you can do is keep the communication channels open and let her know there is someone safe to talk to should she need to, the way you already have. Also, school will have given her sex ed I presume.

Unfortunately good kids make decisions to have sex at 14 too, so don't get lulled in to a false sense of security there! But if she knows that she has adults around that she can talk to, then hopefully she may talk through this decison and reach a decision SHE is happy with. But until her and mum get on an even keel, I would think that typically, she won't be telling anybody much, as she knows, mum will have to find out in the end.

Good luck with this one, you have some tongue biting and diplomacy ahead by the sounds of things.

All the best
Mrs Miggins xxx

It sounds like a sensible move to me. Better safe than sorry.

Why the pill, why not condoms - where's the STD protection with the pill? I'd want to be explaining that side of it to my (non-existant!) teen too.

(what does an average brand pill packet cost in Canada anyway, I guess it's not free?)

I wasn't going to go into this, but feel I should. This is not the normal teenager/mother disagreement. Until about two years ago, her mother was sadly lacking in the "mothering" department. At one point when my granddaughter was about 9, her mother left the country to marry a man in south America. She was gone for a couple of years. In the middle of that period she came back for a couple of weeks and was then gone for almost a year, during which time we had no communication from her whatsoever. It's going to be a hard job for her Mom to make that up!!

And Mrs Miggins says she loves my granddaughter, but she had a p*ss poor way of showing it!!

I was just going to say something like that. There was a "Boston Legal" that broached this whole subject. Always a good source for liberal soapboxing is Boston Legal....

Its not the end of the world anyway should she get pregnant, life goes on. or not, depending on your outlook on these things.

The best protection is ultimately being informed of your choices and exercising them as appropriate. Forcing people to do stuff is never the best long term fix to a problem.

Oh liz, that's hard on you - presume it's that which means that you guys are so close.

If Mum has a brain in her head at all, she will know things are not great in the mother daughter relationship area, maybe with genuine support from you she might consider going and getting some guidance outside the family, so the two of them can get things on an even keel eventually, because I can assure, this will get worse before it gets better, and at 14 there are years of possible conflict ahead....which could be made a little easier. In the meantime you need to look after yourself and not get stressed about it all, because like you say, a massive part of this is about their relationship.

All the best
Mrs M x

I would have to express concerns about someone being on the pill when there is no need to, all medication has side effects and is it worth risking this for no reason at all. I would also advocate the use of condoms, as Biiiink said they also protect against STD's which are rising at a dramatic rate here in the UK. I would also ask your granddaughter what she wants, does she want t go on the pill? At the end of the day she is old enough to give consent for medication/treatment (I'm presuming that she is) and the choice should be hers once she has been given all the facts by a trained professional.

I think it's nice that your granddaughter can talk to you, as someone who works with children and adolescents in a therapeutic setting, I have to maintain a young person's confidentiality whilst being aware there may be times when I have to breech this confidentiality. I find that by telling the young person this (breaking confidentiality usually means risk to the YP/other) then if they start to disclose something that might mean informing others, I remind them I may not be able to keep it secret but I will support them following telling their parents, most generally continue telling me whatever it was. They also respect that you are honest with them.

I do think that there are issues between mother and daughter, but for any type of therapy, including family therapy, the people engaging in it must want change, must recognise that change will have to come from all parties and it shouldn't be something that is forced. If someone id forced into some kind of therapy/counselling then they may be resistant to change and it may put them off accessing help in the future when they would be ready for it.

The most important thing is that your granddaughter can talk to someone who she trusts.

Unfortunately, her mother is very controlling and cannot discuss things reasonably.

Just recently her Mom phoned me about something she had done and was screaming that I had better come and get her phone or else she was going to smash it into a thousand pieces. I could hear my granddaughter crying in the background and afterwards I said to her that by getting upset and crying, she is rewarding her mother for going ballistic. She would be better if she could manage not to cry - just to say "I don't want to argue about this" quite calmly.

Her Mom has a three year old. My granddaughter said "I get upset and cry when my Mom yells at me - when she yells at (the younger child) she just shrugs and walks away!"

I don't know that she is actually afraid of her mother. I just think that it's very disconcerting to have someone screaming and going ballistic. I am a heck of a lot older than her - and it upsets me. But perhaps that is just the kind of person we are and we can't help getting upset.

1) I think the self esteem is fragile at her age.It does not matter
how intelligent she is, it is part of her development,where raging
hormones are happening and peer pressure is around her.

2)How about getting the other male members like dad and grandpa
to get involved in her life?. Find activities that they can participate
with her. She needs affirmations/guidance from male
and female role models in her life.

3)On going teaching of safe sex,the pills , sexual diseases ,drugs,
abusive relationship , gangs and the reality of having a baby.

Looks like you are playing the major role of parenting your granddaughter.
Perhaps joining a support group for parents as a support to raise,
guide your granddaughter and also deal with her mother. Also a good
place to vent your feelings with support.

You are doing a good job

Yoong

She is close to her Dad. She says he is reasonable and they can discuss things. She just said she couldn't discuss things like female problems or sex with him because she would be embarrassed!

Her Dad is pretty strict about what she can and can't do. But she says that he will discuss things and doesn't get mad.

Back in the fall she and her two girlfriends were here and then a boy turned up. I kept checking to see what they were doing and they were on the computer listening to music. When I told my son, he was mad. He said she can't have boys here. So I said but what can three girls and one boy get up to all together in one room when I keep opening the door to see what they are doing? I thought it was fine. I thought better that they were here being supervised than somewhere else unsupervised. He said she can't have boys here because he said so!

I suppose he was a boy before and knew what boys are thinking.
Well, "I said so" command only worked up to a certain age and only
invites teenagers to up the anti.

Have a talk with your son,tell him banning boys are not the answer.
Instead teach his daughter self respect,assertiveness , self esteem,
be street smart and dating from a male perspective.
If didn't know how to start,there are books and support groups available.
If a boy came to visit, he can talk to the boy and get to know him.
It is going to take time ,however it is good to know who she is seeing and
that include girls and boys.
The female talk will be grandma's department for now.

Yoong

He said "I said so" to me. She didn't even mention it to him because I guess she knew he would say no.

I am interested that you sort of agree with me. I don't think banning boys works. What I think is that if she doesnt get to invite boys here, then she might start saying she is going one place but actually going another.

From what I see, all three of them have a very good opinion of themselves and they are all pretty confident. The only person she is not assertive with is her mother. But then I have always had a hard time dealing with her mother as well!

Yes,the mother sounds like a handful ,very dramatic and explosive.
It would make everybody's life a lot easier if she gets professional help.

Yoong