Having nothing whatsoever in common with my neighbours other than where we live a lot of our conversations are over inconsequential things like the weather, the bear shit on the corner, having to mow the lawn yet again etc.

Now I have nothing against small talk, but without any shared history or knowledge about things like ice hockey I sometimes end up in an awkwark silence if I bump into the neighbours whilst walking the dog.

Anyway as I hate socially awkward situations I can either avoid them or make them not socially awkward. As owning dogs makes the former impossible I am stuck with finding a solution. So what kind of topics do other BE'ers discuss with their neighbours?

Because I don't own a dog it's mainly religion, politics, sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Mainly "if you do that again I'll stab you in the eye with a rusty nail" other than that, the weather, gardening, the weather, gardening. I'm crap at small talk.

In a year and change we've had few conversations with the neighbours. I believe this is the entire text:

"We found this pony in our garden, is it yours?"

"My grandaughter's, thanks for returning her"

On seeing a Buick parked at 45 degrees to the kerb, dirt road, not near a house. Older woman sitting in car, very old man standing next to it staring into the trees.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes, there's a weed in the bush, I'm after it"

On being stuck in a ditch on the tractor.

"Need a pull?"

"I'd appreciate that, thanks"

"Here attach this chain. How much do you want for that standing hay?"

"It's yours if you pull me out a couple of times a year".

"Done, I'll be around to cut tonight".

Everyone waves from their truck, no one speaks. Ideal, innit?

Neighbors around here just ignore everyone, so need to worry...

You must live in a friendly neighborhood.

Wear a burqa.

Rob Ford's antics did provide a lot of small talk material. It's a shame he's been away from the headlines lately.

That's how it is around here much of the time and I do like it that way on the whole. The thing is that some of my neighbours are nice people and I don't mind talkng to them. The problem is more that I can never think of much to say to them and vice versa.

who is getting divorced

who is not talking to whom

possible DV going on in number 300

jewish history

school horror stories

who is stalking who's teenaged daughter and has a restraining order against them

****ing rat runners

freaking partiers in the park

which house is a grow-up

The teacher's strike was a good topic for awhile. Nobody supported it, so slagging off greedy teachers was a nice safe opener.

I'm terrible at it here. Its more my issue than there's. I just don't watch the tv, I'm not interested in their politics unless its the liquor control issue, I don't watch their sports and even if its the Olympics I can't talk about because I actively hope their athletes do badly and I don't really want to come across as too much of a ****. I think all of the restaurants here exact a couple, are shite, I don't read their newspapers and I don't care if their teachers go on strike as I don't think'll make much difference either way. In fact there's very little I can talk about for more than a cursory, "alright mate?" I'm not complaining about it, it is what it is.

My neighbours don't speak to me or each other.
I gave up saying hello after a couple of times of getting no response, so peace all round.

We speak well of you too.

I can relate to a lot of this; I just wonder if I should make a bit of an effort. Especially as one of the neighbours gave us 4lbs of cherries the other week.

Although I notice there was a murder done last night - that ought to do for a day or so.

You should keep this post handy at all times in the event you're ever required to prove your sanity...............or otherwise.

I said, "All right?" to a neighbour, she replied, "Yes! What have you heard?"