Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
#1
Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
I'll start
Lawyer’s Christmas Card
From us (“the wishors”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”):
Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.
Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:
This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor’s discretion.
This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.
This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.
This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
From us (“the wishors”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”):
Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.
Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:
This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor’s discretion.
This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.
This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.
This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
#4
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
in more traditional vein:
What's a monkey's favourite Christmas carol?
King Kong Merrily on High
What's a monkey's favourite Christmas carol?
King Kong Merrily on High
#5
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog
A naughty frog
#6
Slob
Joined: Sep 2009
Location: Ottineau
Posts: 6,342
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
What's red and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
What's black, white and red all over?
A nun falling down the stairs while holding a carving knife.
<I'm working on my nominations, here>
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
What's black, white and red all over?
A nun falling down the stairs while holding a carving knife.
<I'm working on my nominations, here>
#7
Banned
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
A Christmas Quacker!
#10
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
=======
What's brown and smelly and sounds like a bell?
Dunnnnng.
=======
A stick.
=======
What's brown and smelly and sounds like a bell?
Dunnnnng.
=======
#12
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
We remembered to open them today. Our four.
What do you call a woman that stands between 2 posts?
Who hid in the bakery at Christmas?
What kind of paper likes music?
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
What do you call a woman that stands between 2 posts?
Spoiler:
Who hid in the bakery at Christmas?
Spoiler:
What kind of paper likes music?
Spoiler:
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
Spoiler:
#13
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?
Spoiler:
#14
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
Our last four:
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
What can you make that cannot be seen?
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiler:
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Spoiler:
What can you make that cannot be seen?
Spoiler:
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Spoiler:
#15
Re: Siouxie's Christmas Cracker Joke Thread
First four from this year.
Why does Santa go down the chimney on xmas eve?
What do you call a broke Santa?
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
The last one wasn't a joke so I'm substituting an old favourite from the Salvation Army's Young Soldier.
What's got four legs and flies?
Why does Santa go down the chimney on xmas eve?
Spoiler:
What do you call a broke Santa?
Spoiler:
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Spoiler:
The last one wasn't a joke so I'm substituting an old favourite from the Salvation Army's Young Soldier.
What's got four legs and flies?
Spoiler: