Far away in the tropical waters of the
> Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea
>
> One called Justin and the other called Christian.
>
> The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
> inhabited the area.
>
> Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
> prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have
> any worries about being eaten.'
>
> A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
>
> Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark..
>
> Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
> old mate.
>
> Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
> lonely.
>
> All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
>
> Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
> his sad plight.
>
> While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
> thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
>
> He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
> he found himself turned back into a prawn.
>
> With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
> friends and bought them all a cocktail.
>
> (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
>
> Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
> old pal.
>
> 'Where's Christian?' he asked.
>
> 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
> the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
>
> Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
> set off to Christian's abode.
>
> As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
>
> He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,
> come out and see me again.'
>
> Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me.
>
> You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your
> dinner.'
>
> Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me.
> I've changed.'.........
>
> (You're going to love this...)
>
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> (Scroll Down.)
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> 'I've found Cod.
> I'm a Prawn again Christian'.

You are right. The punchline was much worse.

It put a smile on my face.

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Got another.. God I need a good joke at the momemt. Keep em coming.




A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
> faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
> discovers that he's lost.
>
> Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
> the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
> leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
> I
> wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
> be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
> strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> canine!
>
> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
> thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
> down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
> and
> just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
>
> "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
> leopard!"
>
> Moral of this story....
>
>
> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
> and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

very good as i'm a bit drunk

God surveyed the world, and he spotted a righteous man, Zed. Having put up with so much from the human race for so many years, God decided to do something special for Zed. He appeared before him and asked if there was anything Zed really wanted,

After a moments thought Zed said, “You know what, there is. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am scared of flying. Can you build me a highway to Hawaii?”

God was a little taken aback. “That is across thousands of miles of sea”, he said. “It will almost all be a bridge. Think about how many thousands of tons of concrete I will need, how deep the bridge supports will be, the hours of labour involved, the damage to the environment. Isn’t there something else you want?”

“Well”, said Zed, “I guess so, there is something else I have always wanted. Why, when I try to make a woman happy do I end up upsetting them? Why is everything I say to a woman misconstrued? What do they like? How do they feel? How can I understand what they want? Can you help me understand women?”

God was silent for a long time. He frowned, then let out a long sigh. “Was it two lanes or four you wanted on that highway Zed?” he said.

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

I giggled

i'm glad!