mkmurrays

....just wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me....while pulling together all the paperwork for our skilled worker visa app I discovered some quite startling family secrets.....which I would never have known if I hadn't been moving.....

....anyone else gone through something like this? Big dilemmas as a result!

printer

No but do tell us yours.

mkmurrays

Here goes.
I found out that my mother has been married twice. I had no inkling about the first marriage, and it turns out I have a half sister nine years older than me......
I had no idea that my half sister existed. From research, she was raised by her dad and now has kids - and a grandchild.......
To my knowledge my mum hasn't seen her since her dad was given custody of her aged four.
I had to provide CHC with my mum's decree absolute from her first marriage etc as her maiden name was incorrectly recorded as her first married name on my birth certificate. Had to prove first marriage dissolved etc. The full paper trail.

My mum will be mortified if she knows I know.....

To cap it all, I know that my half-sister is trying to find my mum through 'trying to trace' websites. Now, I'd quite like to meet her, but it's not for me to play God, either way.......

So what do I do?

Answers, on a postcard, please........

Souvenir

What do you do? Forget you ever knew about it would be my advice.

Some years ago my brother was, perhaps accidentally, told by an elderly relative that our (now late) father had been married before he met our mother. We decided that it was really none of our business and have not talked of it since.

printer

Good god that's some tangled web. Looks like you'll be leaving behind more family than you realised.

mkmurrays

Yep, it's a tough one. To date I haven't done anything. But my mum's in her late seventies and not in the best of health....wouldn't have been so tough if I hadn't stumbled over my half sister trying to find her.....

I've a feeling whichever way I jump I'll feel guilty.

startwin

It's a heartbreaker. But your mother is elderly and wouldn't have a clue as to how to find her daughter, so POSSIBLY she would love to make contact. If the daughter has been trying to find her, why not throw a clue her way? Wouldn't if be awful if your mother passed on and you found out she had wanted to find the daughter. It's a hell of a dilemma, but now that you know, maybe it's down to you to do something about it.

When your parents die, and you have to go through their personal papers and belongings it's amazing how much you find out about their thoughts and longings and past lives. Suddenly, they are people not just your parents. Been there, done that. Had regrets.

Mountain Girl

I would leave well alone, all a happened before you were in the picture. That's only based on the fact your mum is elderly.

Although it must be a tough one. It could be like opening up a whole can of worms.

Are you close to your mum? and can you talk to her about anything?

mkmurrays

I'm pretty close to my mum, but she's not taken the move to BC too well....so it's a bit fraught already. I don't know how my dad would react either.....

What I keep thinking is that my mum may well like to see her daughter, grandchildren - and great grandchild. On the other hand, she might not....
This all happened in the 1950's when divorce was frowned upon, all but criminal. The case was heard in the High Court and, from the papers, my mother was deemed 'guilty of adultery' (with my dad), which is why the child was taken away. I'm sure she was devastated.

I contacted the Salvation Army to see if they had any ideas - they trace lost relatives - but they couldn't help in these circumstances.

I will mull it over some more. Heartbreaking tale. It would be easier if I hadn't stumbled over my half-sister trying to find my mum.......she must've been in a dreadful state when it all happened, separated from her mother at such a young age. I keep thinking that she's had the toughest deal in all of this, so if she wants to make contact...

I really don't know what to do.

Sorry, folks, this is plummeting into counselling!
My problem - but it did make me wonder if anyone else had innocently tripped over some family secrets along the route to PPR....

Mountain Girl

Dont apologise, its no worries you never know someone might be in the same boat.

Have you got any other brothers and sisters? maybe see what they think.

Robski

Hi

Wow, that was a lot to discover. Must be so hard for you to know what, if anything, to do.

A bit sideways, but, do you know if HER father remarried, and therfore if maybe she was adopted at all (ie by a "step-mother"). If so, the people at St Catherines House in Londond might be able to help and advise you. They do counselling, etc, re adoptions and tracing people

Sorry i dont have anythign better to offer.

mkmurrays

Thanks!

Her father did remarry, but she wasn't adopted.

I have a sister, but she gets easily stressed about the slightest thing....think this would freak her out.

Strangely, all this happened in Reading - down the road from you!

I'll mull some more, might see if there's another independent service I can approach to help.
Something else on my mind, is what if my half-sister tracks down my mum and lands on her doorstep unannounced.........would be better if she was at least prepared for it....

Sorry, folks, what a 'down' thread!

ann m

I didn't find out any secrets - but I did find some heart-breaking handwritten stuff when we recently moved - I had just boxed up alot of my parents photos and letters into my attic when they died. So in my massive clear out, I actually emptied all this stuff out and rather painstakingly and ruthlessly went through it to lessen the load. My mum left my dad for a short while when we were kids - we all came home again about six months later - and I found letters he had written to her whilst she was away. It certainly made me see my dad in a new light - never normally one to show his feelings much - and it just made me howl for how devastated he had felt !

I also found all my brother's school reports - which again, gave me new insight into just how much of a struggle school was for him (hard of hearing, eyesight problems - funky old-style NHS glasses and a huge hearing aid box stuck on front of his jumper). He had the attention span of a gnat because he could not hear what was going on. I breezed through school, I loved it, had lots of friends and my brother who was five years younger - had SUCH a tough time if it -and I think I was pretty ignorant of all of it really ! Mum hid all her worries about him and his future pretty well. He's OK now by the way ! And perhaps it's only now that I am the parent, I can see how hard that must have been for my parents (mind you, extra assistance in a classroom was virtually non-existant for him).

We sometimes just don't take the time these days to talk to our parents and siblings about 'normal' life-and-feelings stuff - then we find it's too late.

To the OP, I might try to test the water/broach the subject - perhaps by letting her know you know, etc -and see if your mum is willing to talk any more about it all with you. Then you can maybe work out how she feels about things all these years later - and then whether to assist in making the next step - take your lead from what she says to you. If it's all too much, or in fact she has no wish to meet your half-sister, leave it at that. If she would be keen to meet her and/or try and resolve some issues, then perhaps you could be that helping hand? What a pickle !!! I feel for you. Good luck

mkmurrays

Many thanks for all the kind words....think this one will run and run.

snorkmaiden

If it were me (poking my nose in from the USA board as I am), I'd try and find a way to bring it up with your Mum. I found my older brother, (who my mum had pretty much been forced to give up for adoption in the late 60's) two years ago, after eight years of looking.

I didn't know I had an older brother until my late teens - my mum told me when I was 18 and we were about to move back to the area in which she had him, she was worried someone else would tell us.

I offered to look for my brother when I realised the only thing stopping my mum from looking was fear, fear of rejection, fear of finding out her child had not had a better life than she thought she could give him at the time etc.

My brother, who had looked a little was also stopped by fear, his biggest fear was also rejection.

I know it has brought a lot of peace to the lives of both my mother and my brother. It all went amazingly well for us, but I think, that even if it hadn't gone well, my mum would have at least had the opportunity to see him, speak with him etc and my brother got the answers to some questions that were haunting him.

I know it's a bit of a cheesy term, but for some people, even when it doesn't go that well, the answers to some of the questions bring a certain amount of closure.

My grandparents are in their 80's, they put my mum in one of those convent style mother and baby homes when she was pregnant, it brought such shame to their door back then. I thought they would freak out when I told them I'd found my brother but they were overjoyed. I could tell they felt a lot of guilt, and knowing we had found him seemed to bring them some peace as well.

It might be harder for your sister if she eventually tracked you down after your mum has passed, than perhaps it would if she found your mum and it didn't work out, at least she would have had the opportunity.

Your loyalty at this point lies with your mum of course, but I think I'd regret not telling her if it were me. Are there any other relatives who know your Mum who you can discuss this with?

Congratulations by the way, you have a big sister, I bet that is a bit of a shocker. My brother and I butt heads quite a bit, I am very left and he is very right, it makes for some interesting conversations, but, there is an undeniable bond between us, not to mention the same hair colour, similar temperament etc.

Wishing you well with the decision making process, it's a tough one.