an email from the queen
Nov 7th 2011, 6:40 pm
#1
Happy
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 2,942
an email from the queen
Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA
Today I received this joke from an ex colleague back in England. I used to find these jokes hillarious and so "right" but this time I found myself picking it apart (in blue)
I have to realise that although I am not in the US but in Canada, I now view the UK as more of an outsider than I ever did before and even felt like "well you arent so great yourself"
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which we do not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
OMG!
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
I dont care how its spelt
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
Pot calling kettle black, text speak such as gr8 and LOL needs to be banned, many UK teens are losing the ability to spell these days.
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
Oh yes it shall, all holidays are as good as each other
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without use of the F and C words and a knife, in fact you are not even allowed a vegetable peeler----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
Most teens can only be allowed out after dark with a permit
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The intersections can stay as they are, I like stop signs and the way drivers can obey the rules of the intersections. Rounabouts are for those who have no courtesy – heaven forbid you need to work out whos first.--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
No way, you can keep your inflated prices.-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
I love both, why cant there by both?
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Happy to keep Budweiser and Keiths and drink English beer when on holiday in England, worlds big enough for both.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
Wasnt Andie Macdowell playing an American in that film anyway?
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
No comment---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
Baseball is fun but I agree on the World Series thing
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. You won’t need to go to Boston Harbour to get some.
I so agree with this.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Today I received this joke from an ex colleague back in England. I used to find these jokes hillarious and so "right" but this time I found myself picking it apart (in blue)
I have to realise that although I am not in the US but in Canada, I now view the UK as more of an outsider than I ever did before and even felt like "well you arent so great yourself"
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which we do not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
OMG!
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
I dont care how its spelt
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
Pot calling kettle black, text speak such as gr8 and LOL needs to be banned, many UK teens are losing the ability to spell these days.
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
Oh yes it shall, all holidays are as good as each other
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without use of the F and C words and a knife, in fact you are not even allowed a vegetable peeler----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
Most teens can only be allowed out after dark with a permit
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The intersections can stay as they are, I like stop signs and the way drivers can obey the rules of the intersections. Rounabouts are for those who have no courtesy – heaven forbid you need to work out whos first.--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
No way, you can keep your inflated prices.-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
I love both, why cant there by both?
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Happy to keep Budweiser and Keiths and drink English beer when on holiday in England, worlds big enough for both.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
Wasnt Andie Macdowell playing an American in that film anyway?
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
No comment---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
Baseball is fun but I agree on the World Series thing
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. You won’t need to go to Boston Harbour to get some.
I so agree with this.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Nov 7th 2011, 7:01 pm
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: an email from the queen
They fooled us by changing the title.
Nov 7th 2011, 8:12 pm
#3
Sawdust making harpy
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Alberta
Posts: 11,291
Re: an email from the queen
I didn't find this hilarious. And even more pointless were the comments in blue.
Yawn.
Yawn.
Nov 7th 2011, 8:52 pm
#4
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere in Hamilton, ON
Posts: 4,307
Nov 7th 2011, 9:26 pm
#7
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: 42
Posts: 931
Re: an email from the queen
I thought you may have had a point, but joke emails are joke emails.... delete them and get on with the day. No need to comment.
Nov 7th 2011, 11:44 pm
#8
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2002
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 556
Re: an email from the queen
http://www.google.ca/#sclient=psy-ab...w=1280&bih=571
