Alberta_Rose

lol, my manager once decided that I should attend an assertiveness course.

It wasn't just saying "no" of course, but that came into it. We were told that we should be able to say no if we couldn't help out, or simply didn't want to. That we didn't have to justify ourselves or be made to feel guilty. That if we really just wanted to have a quiet night in and not do whatever, we didn't have to pretend to be busy/sick or anything. We could just say "no" and mean it.

All very well in theory eh?

We had to do this role-play in couples where somebody asked some really not unreasonable favour and we had to practise saying no ...... ack .... even then I felt terrible, and always gave in in the end!!!

willmore

Great advice. Try checking out the paper and see if there are some "learn to be assertive" courses in your area, that you could sign up for. Then practice, practice and pratice some more with someone you trust. Roleplay until you start really feeling comfortable about saying no in a nice way.

You will start to feel much better about yourself and others will respect you more when you stand up for yourself.

dingbat

My inner bitch just sits there quietly because my outer bitch is loud and proud. One tip I have found works with doormats - learn to problem solve quickly (or more quickly than you do). The essence of being assertive and not aggressive is that you can say no and suggest a complete alternative resolution to the request you don't want to comply with. You look efficient, assert your right to say no and no one gets offended. Alternatively just go postal one day and no one will ever bother you again anyway!

Steve_P

I used to do that occassionally at work and my co-workers would just laugh and say "There goes the mouse roaring again, happens once every year or so. Take no notice."

Purley

Morwenna hit the nail on the head. You do not have to justify saying "no". That was always my trouble. I bumbled on about having to do this and do that and in the end I said "yes". If I had just said "No I'm sorry, I can't do that." It would have been the end of the subject. Once you start trying to justfy - they know they have GOT you!

On a slightly different but related note. When I worked full time, there was a junior assistant that my boss liked. She had oodles of time off "sick" or whatever and he was always nice about it. But when I wanted time off - different story. Then I learned what I was doing wrong. I would go to him and say "I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, so can I leave at 4?" And he would rattle on about don't dentists work on a Saturday and crap like that.

Then I got smart. I went in and said "I will be leaving at 4 because I have a dentist appointment." And he was fine.

By ASKING rather than TELLING I was giving him the opportunity to object.

And - let me add - you don't have to feel guilty about that woman - she was just USING you. She knew darn well if she cried, you would feel sorry for her. She is a user and you do not need to be used. Now you know she is a user - don't let her do it again.

If her brother had genuinely been on death's door - that would have been different, but she is just taking you for a sucker.

Next time she asks, just say "No, sorry I can't" and then change the subject or say your kettle is boiling or something. End the conversation. She doesn't deserve you!