So, here is the story - some of it you already know. My Mom is 93. She and I phoned one another every day for the past - I can't remember how long -- a long time anyway! We got along really well. We were very similar in personalities and so I think we understood one another.

For about 10 years she has been really disapproving of my one sister. In fact for a long time she hasn't talked to her and when this sister went to England to visit, she made a point of ignoring her. I can't remember how this started. I do know she disapproved of the way my sister's daughter spoke to my sister (I think once years ago she called her mother "an f***ing bit** in front of my Mom and that would NOT have gone done well with her) and also her son got arrested for drunk driving on more than one occasion. I met these kids last year and they both seemed just fine to me, but of course they are older now.

Since February when she broke both her hips she has been in the hospital. They have now discovered she has diverticulitis and cancer of the pancreas. Now, even though - or perhaps because of - the fact that I got along the best with her and I was the favourite, I cannot be sad that my Mom is going to die. I can appreciate that she was still coming to Canada to stay when she was 84, I am delighted that she was still driving her car when she was 86. I can have my memories of chatting to her every day. I can be happy that she has lived to 93. But I cannot be sad that she is not going to spend the rest of her life, maybe years, in an old folks home, probably mostly bedridden, because she wasn't very active before she broke her hips and she also has dimentia. I mean, how active was she going to be? My Mom and I are "kindred spirits" and I know she wouldn't have been happy.

My sisters are not happy that I think this way. They acknowledge that I was my Mom's favourite, they acknowledge that we are similar personalities, but they can't accept that I think this way! They apparently think I am cold and unfeeling.

So yesterday my sister tells me that she "feels sorry" for my Mom because she went through life "suppressing" her emotions. I didn't say anything, because its pretty pointless, but I was furious. How dare she make comments like that? My Mom was happy and outgoing and adventurous, but she was like me - kind of reserved. I loved seeing my Mom but when she got off the plane, we didn't throw our arms around one another and kiss one another - she probably said "Thank goodness I am here - I have been on that darn plane for hours - let's go and have a cup of tea!" My sister says that in her opinion (presumably gleaned from being a receptionist/bookkeeper to a psychiatrist for a number of years!) that a person who does not show their emotions is "suppressing" them and that if I (or presumably my Mom in the past) had seen a psychiatrist, we would change!!

I don't actually have too many friends who throw their arms around you and hug you when we meet. Neither did my Mom - neither do I. My husband's partners are like that. My granddaughter hates it! I don't particularly like it, but that is how they are. But I don't think that because they do this, they necessarily care for me any more than another friend who when we meet, just says "Hi."

So, I am wondering if anyone here agrees with me -- that an outward show of affection, dislike, whatever -- an outward show of emotions is not any indicator of your inward emotions. Whether a person who is a huggy/kissy kind of person is emotionally stable - and a more reserved person who doesn't like being a huggy/kissy person has a "psychological problem" as my sisters seem to think. Does an outward show of emotions mean that the person cares more?

I think it is just how people are we are all different like you say.

I don't personally throw my arms around any of my friends but I am always happy to see them.

Go for family counselling.

R.

Luckily I live far, far away from both of them and it was my Mom that I kept in touch with, so I think I can avoid that!

I'm often very wary of people that are too showy with their feelings and often find it very false..........So yes i would definitly agree with you ( still waters run deep)

Yes I agree. I do have friends of the huggy-kissy type and I have never been quite comfotable with it personally but I don't have a problem when they greet each other in that manner. Most know me well enough to not go through the whole palaver. They accept it as much as I accept their preference. I don't believe I am more or less shallow/caring than my friends.

There's always a problem with being the practical, sensible one ("well he's had a good innings and would never have been pain free again") when dealing with more emotionally expressive people ("oh my God I can't believe he's leaving us now...he's only 97 and had so much to look forward to and teach us") if the latter cannot recognise that although the former will miss someone just as much as them, the practical types can't help but remember that nobody has yet successfully beaten death.

Like you said, different strokes. Don't let it upset you and taint your memories.

You feel how you feel, and you have every right to feel how you feel, it's when how you feel has a negative impact on your life that you need to recheck the feeling and what they transfer in to actions. Basically if you are happy, those who you care about and love are happy that you aren't the most demonstrative person in the world, then what's the problem.......Maybe it's worth asking your child/children if they think you are witholding or cold, if they think so then maybe a simple conversation will be enough to clear stuff up. If they don't think so then, there you go - what's to worry about.

Certain people in life can't handle pragmatists, especially when they are carrying their own guilt/emotion about someone and don't know how to deal with it...............remember your sister may come from the school of attack is the best means of defence - just a thought.

Take care and hope your mum has a painfree time ahead of her, with all the dignity and enjoyment that she can.

All the best
Mrs M xx

My kids and my granddaughter and my husband are exactly the same as me - only more so!!!

I wouldn't have cared if she criticized me. I was just upset at her suggesting that my Mom had some kind of a psychological problem when she is not able to defend herself!

I also found it frustrating that they could not - or would not - understand that there are lots of different ways of being right!

I got my Mom a card and printed up photos of us all, including my dogs because she loves dogs, and I sent it to her in the hospital! I hope it will cheer her up and it made me feel better!

as we grow older, the wiser realise that life is all grey, very few outright wrongs/rights to any situation..............very little black and white is left. Those who are still living black and white lives are not always the happiest of campers........and if they are, they often leave a trail of distruction in their path.

I don't mind the grey any more.

Glad you are feeling better,

Mrs M x

It always amazes me how you can grow up with someone and have a completely different out look on life.

My sister is convinced that we had this traumatically damaging childhood that she conveniently blames all of her current problems.

Don't know what I missed, but I think my parents did the best job that they could. I felt loved. They never had to verbalise it...it was in every home cooked meal and bike ride.

What more do you need?

Best wishes to you and your mum.

Hi Purley,

I also have a mother with dementia - she is 78 - so I know where your coming from and what your going through........My mum can`t defend herself either, but the added problem I have is that neither my older brother or sister actually see or speak to my parents !!!!!

I think there is nothing wrong with your feelings.....every person deals with their emotions in a different way. If it helps to talk to someone, then great go for it.......all I can say is don`t bottle things up inside - it will do you no good.

You can hold your head up high, because you know you was there for your mum.......could your sister say the same too????

Think I`ve babbled on enough.......best wishes to you and your mum.

Sue

Yes, all of you have great comments. I think that you are right about how most people as they get older see things in lots of shades of grey! It also has to do with coming to Canada. When we emigrated over 30 years ago, there was no email, long distance was only used for emergencies and so the years went by and I would get one letter a year from my sister in England and two phone calls with my sister in Vancouver. Over the past 30+ years I have probably been to Vancouver four times. I went to England when my older son was about 5(he is now 36) and then I have been four times in the past 10 years. I am a lot closer to my friends that I see all the time, than I am to my relatives that I don't. Whenever I see my two sisters, they can be quite critical --- Its hard to explain but to me it feels like they think they know me well enough to criticize me - but I don't feel like I know them well enough to accept their criticism!!

I have often had trouble in the past with my sister in Canada, as some of you know. She comes across as very belligerent and aggressive sometimes, but I although my other sister says that this sister thinks she is better than the rest of us -- I actually think the opposite. To me, if a person really thinks that they are better, then wouldn't have to put other people down. I am not Dr. Phil, but I think the only reason for putting someone else down, is to make yourself feel superior, which you wouldn't need to do if you were confident with your own self!

I like to watch Warren Buffet on TV -- there is nothing like being the richest person in the world or the US or wherever he is the richest person of, to make you totally like the guy next door!!! He is so comfortable with who he is - he doesn't have to put on any "I am important" airs!!