We did our first reccie of Canada in July 2005; taking with us 5 of our 6 boys.

My eldest was already living away from home and has a daughter and is settled, thinking of starting his application next year when he has finished Uni – he is 24 and too old for our family application.

We spent three weeks in Ontario, split between Windsor and Oshowa here my hubby has family. Everybody loved it. We decided that before a final decision was made we needed to see winter, so January 2006 we went again. We were still happy, even looked at property prices and job opportunities.

So in Feb 06, we go the paperwork from CIC and began. We returned in April 07 to find a house and look at schools.

Now we have all visas in place, the house in Canada we bought is ready, and we just have to get rid of the one in UK.

GUESS WHAT: another two boys are telling us they are not coming!
One of 20, took a gap year, but now has got a job and moved in with a girl (who is unlikely to move) and wants to stay with her!!!
17 year old – my step son (who we have had with us since he was 7) says he isn’t coming! He has a girl-friend but no job or college course, and has gone back to his MUM, who is happy with this situation. I believe she is only scoring points over us and does not have his best interest in mind. BUT what can we do, cant take him to the airport in handcuffs! We worry that he will end up packing shelves or packing boxes!

How do we make these boys see the bigger picture?

I have a 16 year old, who has two part-time jobs and has stayed on at school to keep himself busy before we move. He is motivated and focused, he wants to go to aviation college in Canada.
We also have two little ones 3 & 5, we need to get them there and settled, as I have kept the 5 yrs old out of school and at pre-school coz our local primary is not good.
This on top of the house sale falling through, we feel like we are being torn apart and our dream of a better life for the boys shattered.

Has anyone else left older kids behind, I am concerned that our worry over them will over shadow anything we achieve in Canada.

Any advice gladly welcomed.. Sorry its nearly an essay.

Manghams, I have no advice for you and can't begin to imagine the heartache. I hope everything works out for you.

Oh - you're not alone - there have been several angst-ridden threads about teens who change their mind !! And it does tear you apart ...STRESS !!!!!

Don't know when you hope to arrive for good - but try and get them all to come with you. Just for a month or two. I suppose the saving grace in all this is that the older ones, if they stay in the UK, will not be homeless and destitute (yet ). The 20 year old is certainly old enough to be making these decisions and I guess you have to leave it up to him as to whether he sees such a move as a golden opportunity. The 17 year old is on the cusp of being able to make such a momentous decision (in my opinion) but is on that boderline where you may be able to pursuade him that Canada can offer him something worthwhile.

But it is a difficult age - at this age, people cannot see beyond this week, or even this month. Three months seems forever. Friends and girl/boyfriends are everything - remember it, I do !?

As and when and if those relationships end or change, only then will they be physically capable of looking outside their box to see what else is out there.

I can only suggest that you make sympathetic noises, offer support (both emotional and financial) where applicable and don't get into a loggerhead situation. Waaayyyy easier said than done. You've brought up these young men to go forth and live their lives - they just want to cut the strings a little earlier than you and your husband had hoped - and they suddently can't now see what you see for a life in Canada.

I really, really feel for you - I spent hours with a best mate in a similar situation with her 17 year old - tears and frustration galore - but she did head off, and he did stay - and everyone has muddled along very well in spite of any and all reservations. Let them know you can help with an air-ticket at any point if they change their minds. Once the pressure is off, they may yet surprise you.

Very, very best wishes

I am in the same situation. My 18 year old has started saying that he is not moving out with us next year. He really hasn't got his own life sorted yet and I am sure that Canada would be a great opportunity for him. However, I can't make him agree with me.

I have gone though all the heartache and "what ifs" but he is starting to dig his heels in. The mother in me wants to say "well you have to come and thats that", but I know that he has to be his own person.

Any of our children could come home tomorrow and say....Mum, I'm moving to Australia/Dubai/France/America or a hundred other places. I wouldn't want to be one of those parents we read about on BE who make it miserable for their offspring to follow their dream.

What I have tried to do with my son is say..well OK, if you don't want to come with us, lets keep your options open. Come over for a holiday once we get PR so that your PR status is activated. That gives you a couple of years to make a long term decision before you risk losing PR status. In that time he will come over for a couple more holidays and maybe even an extended holiday to get a better feel for the lifestyle.

He is fairly happy with this as it is a huge decision and despite his bravado I know that he has doubts. If you pull to hard you will just push him away, give him the experience of being apart from you and you might just find that you come closer together.

I am yet to experience the outcome of my actions, so it may not work out. If it helps you, great. If anyone has any better ideas, I am as eager as you to hear them.

I the meantime, you are not alone and I will be thinking of you. Keep in touch.

My parents were in a similar situation, but slightly more complex - they moved us to England from Canada when we were kids (it was supposed to be for 3 years), before we'd even considered going to England, they'd applied for Green Cards.

Fast forward 12 years - we're STILL in England, and the green card application FINALLY gets approved, however my older brother and I had turned 21, so were automatically removed from the application. We had no chance of joining them. My little brother was 20 at the time, still at university, and didn't want to move to the States. In the end, he "landed", then returned to the UK.

Skipping ahead again - my husband and I moved to Canada last year. My older brother moved back here a year before us. My little brother married and is happy in the UK. So we're in 3 different countries, but everyone's happy enough.

I don't think you can make them come out and the more you try the harder they will dig their heels in. I know cause that was me when I was 15 never mind 17, all you can do is let them lead their own lives and be there for them.

I didn't get my life together until I was 25 (despite lots of encouragement:curse, but I believe that the experiences that I had up to then have enhanced my life and helped me to get to where I am now. I may not have chosen the path my mum wanted for me, but I believe I have done pretty well for myself anyway.

I would encourage them to land with you, but leave it to them to choose when to come over, who knows what will happen if they split with their partners.

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Thanks for your words of encouragement and life experience.

We have, we hope taken the line to allow them to make these choices for themselves.

My 20 year old will not land with us, but does intend to land prior his visa expires in May. This giving him three years to work out what will be best for him.

My 17 year old step son is probably in the most powerful position as he has Canadian citizenship through his dad, and we have despatched him to his mums without argument, in the hope that before we leave he will change his mind.

If not, we have opened an account to provide funds for his air ticket; and both Grandma's are happy to fly with him so we will not be alone.

But this does not help the heart ache that either of us feel, not to mention the effect it is having on my 16 year old who is coming.

We continue to live in hope.

If I'm totally honest I didn't think about the heartache I caused, I just thought I knew what was best for me. I'm sure he will come round when he has had time to think about it.

You've obviously been great parents and brought them up really well for them to feel they have the confidence to stay behind.

HI just wanted to say like the others have you are not alone in this situation. My daughter was going to come with us (17) she then decided that she wanted to stay with her boyfriend,by then she had turned 18.At 18 i obviously had no right to enforce her to come with us but we agreed she would activate her PR visa before it ran out.

Within a couple of weeks of leaving she called us to say she felt like an orphan, crying down the phone to her dad asking him to book her a flight over. After she had calmed down it turned out that her and her boyfriend were not on good terms. So we told her if she still felt the same way in 2 weeks we would pay for her. Of course by then she had sorted things out and didnt want to come out again! kids, you gotta love 'em

We then paid for her to come out for a month over last christmas to get her PR activated so that she could see what it was like here etc.

She went back to england saying that she did like it here but still wanted to be with her boyfriend.

A few months later the relationship ended and a while later she met a new man. They are now living together and he is very interested in coming over here to live with her. So hopefully that will be happening in the future.
Unfortunately the boyfriend has had a serious motorbike accident so that has put paid to there plans to come out for christmas for a reccie so its on hold for a while.

Its been tough for her as she was at an age where friends/boyfriends seemed more important and she couldnt see the bigger picture but she seems to have come through that now and all she talks about is coming out here once her fella is better.

So hang in there and i hope it all works out for you.

I guess this is a little off topic, but reading those threads about your offspring and how they are living with partners at 17 and 18 made me feel kind of funny about how things have changed in the past 50 years!!!

I was that age in about 1960. All I wanted to do was to move out of my parents' house and in with some girlfriends and party!!! I had to wait until a finished my A levels and then went to college!!

It was only then that I got a job and could afford to move out with some friends. None of us were particularly interested in a relationship with "men". We just wanted to have fun. We wanted to go away on holidays - nowhere fancy, just cheap trips to Holland and Belgium etc. We went dancing and bought cheap drinks and waited for some guy to ask us if we wanted a drink and then we moved on to the more expensive stuff. Mostly they were a ride home because we couldn't afford cars!

It all seems more complicated nowadays! Anyway, I think you have some good advice - leave their options open and they will probably come around. Telling a teenager to do something is bound to make him or her do the opposite!

Can't help with advice as my daughter has just declared the same, she is not coming, and I am at my wits end. So am just sending best wishes and hope it all turns out right for you in the end.
Best wishes
Rosie

My son who does not want to come to Canada has just announced that he intends to move to Tenerife.

Oh well, somewhere else to go on holidays I suppose.

my heart goes out to you and I truly hope all turns out well for you and your family in a way that will be to all concerned benefit,BIG HUG to you and will keep fingers crossed for yous all

kate

We have left a daughter behind also, it breaks your heart to do it but at 20 she could have left home to go travelling herself, so whats the difference. You just feel guilty that you have abandoned them. My one hope is that she will be learning to make decisions herself now and find out about the real world and just how much Mum and Dad did for her.

We have just booked her flight over for a visit at Christmas and her reply was wheres my ticket, wheres Heathrow, how do I get there from Stevenage????
Now she has to start thinking for herself and working these things out herself, but I guess I will probably end up getting on the net and finding out the best way for her to travel.

We are only communciating by e mail at the moment and some text messaging as she only has a mobile phone in her digs and doesnt have her computer connected to the net yet, and that makes it hard. You just want to give them a hug.

We havent been here long but feel quite settled so far despite the distance between us. Hope it works out for you.

I do feel for those of you going through this.

We are SOOOOO lucky that our boys were both wholeheartedly behind our coming out .... but we still had tears from the younger when he actually had to say goodbye to his friends, and I think the elder went into a bit of a depression especially in his first year here, when he was just doing top-ups courses, and not really connecting with anyone.

Lord knows, it ain't easy on anyone!!!

But do DO try and persuade them to just come and "land" with you, so that door isn't permanently closed.... I have read heart-breaking tales of woe from youngsters who were determined that they didn't want to move with their parents, and then found that they had missed the boat (as it were)