Do you know any topical jokes that reflect the past year


A middle aged couple lay in bed, and the wife is feeling a bit frisky
" hey babe do you want me tonight ?"
" Yes " he replies " But can we have Chilean Sex "
His wife looks at him with a puzzled expression and the in a sultry voice says
" Oh I get it babe you want me to go all the way to the bottom of the shaft "
"NO" he says,
" I just want you to bugger off for 3 months "

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2010

The last one is a worthy winner.


6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."



4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

"I’ve been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.

The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read “Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

"Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"






SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".

Unemployed now, one assumes.

aw man! site stasi kiboshed me damned joke post! wikkileaks here i com e!!!

Godwin.

The irish Banking Crisis simply explained...

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news The
donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for Anglo Irish Bank..

Social studies exam:

Q What is the capital of Ireland?

A About 5 Euros.

Guy says to his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"? She says "i would take my half and leave you"
He says "brilliant i just won $12, here's $6 now f#%k off"

Mods have no sense of humour, no joke.

Sue's not a mod, she's the boss.

Boss has no humour either, little miss goody 2 shoes

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late."

—David Letterman

You can either play by the rules or play somewhere else. Everyone signed up for the same thing.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands.