scrubbedexpat091

scrubbedexpat091

Just a bit older than I am, but couldn't take fighting his mental illness anymore.

scrubbedexpat091

One of the worst things about this disorder, is I can be doing well all day, then suddenly a heavy sense of sadness comes over me, and can last a couple hours, just out of the blue, then goes away just as fast as it came.

Jerseygirl

I know it’s not the same as your illness, but I suffered from depression for many years after moving to the US. I’d get up in the morning, take my daughter to school, go about my daily chores...all of a sudden I would feel this blackness gathering above me, pressing me down. It was awful. I never sought medical advice, firstly because I couldn’t admit to anyone that I had failed. Secondly I would have broken down in front of my doctor and my British stiff upper lip would not allow me to do that. Many a day I didn’t want to get out of bed. I pulled the duvet over my head and wanted to sleep. At least when I was asleep I could escape the blackness. I couldn’t plan tomorrow because I didn’t know how I was going to get through today.

scrubbedexpat091

I imagine its a similiar feeling indeed. I tend to sleep a lot just so I don't have to feel anything, sleep is mostly a relief for me, yesterday just before 7pm, I went to bed and slept until 8:20am, don't think I woke up once in that time.....I think sleep is a coping activity for many, it helps escape reality without escaping anything.

I rarely plan anything more than 1 maybe 2 days in advance, simply as I don't know how I will be feeling, will it be a good day or will it be a bad day, also why I miss work, I need to at times take a day off for mental health, although I always tell work something more vague.

It's a sucky feeling no doubt and hard to explain sometimes what its like if someone has never experienced it chronic or longish term.

BEVS

There are very many people out there suffering like this long term. Probably more than we know and it will be more common than thought. It never is a short to medium term difficulty. The millions of hidden folks that keep it all to themselves do not get counted. I quietly know of several right here on BE.

I have found the I Had a Black Dog book to be helpful in explaining that overpowering suffocating feeling of helplessness, hopelessness , lethargy and stultification.

Jerseygirl

I believe it is difficult to understand if you have never experienced some sort of depression/mental illness. I didn’t have good and bad days, every day for years was a bad day.

BEVS

Not just sleeping. Alcohol and substance abuse . Hyper activity . All are methods to escape.

scrubbedexpat091

I never resorted to drinking, but when I being prescribed sleeping pills, I was known to take 1 sleep 10 hours, shower, eat, take another one and sleep another 10 hours, at one point I was up maybe 2 hours a day, until the doctor stopped prescribing them.

Hyper activity is something I do have, comes and goes, depends on the day, has gotten me into some trouble before.

Jerseygirl

I would chose sleeping over those any day of the week, then hyperactivity.

Zoe Bell

The other problem with mental illness is that even when you are in a good patch is that you constantly question your own reactions to everything

im having a shitty time at work , unbelievable stress but every time I loose my temper or cry or shout I have to ask myself if this is a normal reaction or is it time to go back on the meds / therapy again

ben is constantly reassuring me that “ nope that’s a shifty situation, you are right to be pissed”

it’s terrible when you consider yourself to be reasonably intelligent but can’t trust your mind

scrubbedexpat091

And sometimes we don't get to choose the hyperactivity part, it's just something we were given and have to deal with.


So true. I was always doubting myself at work, I knew deep down I did it right, but I always doubted myself no matter what. The doubts can then build on one another and overtime have created a wall of sorts that crumbles on top of you, ending employment.

I certainly agree with everything you said and its 100% true so true.



Medications used to frustrate me, doctors would tell me they would help, I would take them and most just made me so tired I could barely function, antidepressants did nothing, but that was pre-diagnoses, once I got a doctor to actually tell me the truth, and tell me an actual diagnoses and what the issue was, it all started making sense with the research I started to do. Doctors are still hesitant to diagnose BPD, especially older doctors which is a disservice to the patient and hinders their recovery, how can someone possibly work towards recovery if they don't even have a proper diagnoses?


It's like the one psychologist who is well versed in BPD and does youtube informational videos, depression in BPD is a symptom of the condition itself, treat the condition which is BPD and the depression and other symptoms tend to resolve, but yet Canadian healthcare for BPD and other mental health disorders choose to just treat symptoms rather than the condition itself.

It would be like giving pain killers to someone with a broken arm, treating the symptom but not the condition.

scrubbedexpat091

I just don't handle stress well, and loss of her income is going to add a great deal of stress, and I had to stopped seeing the therapist I was seeing, and I just feel at times the hole is getting deeper again after almost getting out of it, just always seems we get halfway out of the hole and then get kicked back to the bottom to start over, just tired of starting over constantly. It's pretty exhausting starting from the bottom over and over every year nearly, sometimes just want to give up on it all out of frustration.

I've never really been happy in my life either, i go from eh I am okay to I am very not okay, but even times where I should apparently feel happiness, I never do. I am not even sure if my brain is capable of feeling happiness, may just not have a brain capable of it...lol

I know why my brain interprets things incorrectly, but suppose just lack the skills to correct those interpretations.

scrubbedexpat091

I also tend to second guess every decision I make if it was the correct one especially when things don't work out as planned.

Jerseygirl

I don’t think that is unusual...unless you are a narcissist.

I think it is best to try to accept it was a bad decision and move on instead of dwelling on it. Methinks you dwell on negatives too much. I realise it is part of your condition, but I wish your glass was half full, instead of half empty.