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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Mar 9th 2013, 7:17 am
  #1471  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”
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Old Mar 9th 2013, 6:06 pm
  #1472  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Tiger Woods was driving around Ireland in his BMW when he picked up a hitch-hiker, name of Murphy.

Murphy was admiring the interior of the car when he came across some golf tees and he asked Tiger what they were.

Oh, they're just for resting my balls on said Tiger.

Jeez, don't BMW fink of everything these days said Murphy.
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Old Mar 10th 2013, 4:06 am
  #1473  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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Old Mar 11th 2013, 8:17 am
  #1474  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
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Old Mar 12th 2013, 7:32 am
  #1475  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Old Mar 12th 2013, 6:55 pm
  #1476  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/pi...?frame=2506970
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 7:53 am
  #1477  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 10:05 am
  #1478  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Spain, a Safe Place with the PP...

First they came for the pedophiles, but I wasn't a pedophile, so I didn't care
Then they came for the pot smokers, but I hadn't smoked the stuff since I was a young man, so I didn't care.
They came for the abortionists, but I'm not an abortionist, or a woman for that matter, so I didn't care
Then they came for the illegal down-loaders of Hollywood movies, but I have a low computer speed, and don't want to see that movie about torturing people to help catch al Qaida anyway, so I didn't care
Then they came for the desahuciados, the people who hadn't paid their mortgages, to help create even more empty bank-owned houses in Spain, but since I don't have a mortgage, I didn't care
Then they came for the anti-Semites, and holocaust deniers, but I didn't have a strong opinion on this, one way or the other, neither did I live in Iran, when the opposite opinion is enforced under law, so, perplexed slightly but remembering old Benjamin Rappaport and the number tattooed on his arm, I thought I'd keep quiet.
Then they came for the fag-haters, but, to be Frank, I was buggered if I cared about that either.
Then, the tax people came for the rich, and those who wisely kept their stash abroad; but having been skilfully ripped off in the past by certain employees, partners, associates, some family-in-laws and others, I am now broke and, perhaps a little bitterly, I laugh at the travails of the wealthy.
Then they came for the climate-change deniers, but it was raining, and I pretended not to hear their tapping on the window.
Now they have come for the foreigners, who had brought their money to Spain to help create wealth and jobs.
And nobody cares.
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 10:30 am
  #1479  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Lenox I am not sure that should be in the Jokes thread
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 10:39 am
  #1480  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Fredbargate View Post
Lenox I am not sure that should be in the Jokes thread
I agree.
Looks like the idiots are out to kill the geese that lays the golden eggs..
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 10:40 am
  #1481  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Fredbargate View Post
Lenox I am not sure that should be in the Jokes thread
+1
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Old Mar 13th 2013, 7:56 pm
  #1482  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Dick Dasterdly View Post
I agree.
Looks like the idiots are out to kill the geese that lays the golden eggs..
Always the case, look for the easiest target!
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Old Mar 14th 2013, 5:51 am
  #1483  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".
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Old Mar 14th 2013, 3:56 pm
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

EST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that i am leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two week have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit you job today and that was the last straw. LAst week you came home and did not even notice my new haircut, or that i had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s3x or any thing that connects us husband and wife. Either your cheating on me or you do not love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. signed Your EX-Husband P.S Don't try to find me. Your sister and i are moving to West Virginia together! Have a Great life... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than recieving your letter. It's true we have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, i didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because i stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and i prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, i still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when i hit the lotto for 10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when i got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, i guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as hell and free... P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem!
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Old Mar 14th 2013, 5:40 pm
  #1485  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The Barber Shop A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
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