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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Feb 28th 2013, 8:09 am
  #1456  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
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Old Mar 1st 2013, 8:42 am
  #1457  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”
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Old Mar 2nd 2013, 6:07 am
  #1458  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”
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Old Mar 3rd 2013, 6:51 am
  #1459  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
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Old Mar 4th 2013, 7:10 am
  #1460  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
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Old Mar 5th 2013, 6:16 am
  #1461  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
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Old Mar 5th 2013, 8:24 am
  #1462  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A group of ex-kindergarten kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nanna."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I went for a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you went for a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh-it!!"
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Old Mar 5th 2013, 8:46 am
  #1463  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

14. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Old Mar 5th 2013, 6:11 pm
  #1464  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Old Mar 6th 2013, 7:04 am
  #1465  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
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Old Mar 7th 2013, 7:01 am
  #1466  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
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Old Mar 7th 2013, 9:00 am
  #1467  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Got to love MATT in The Telegraph

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Old Mar 8th 2013, 6:16 am
  #1468  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
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Old Mar 8th 2013, 8:19 am
  #1469  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing
there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds
like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for
£44.
How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
£11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
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Old Mar 8th 2013, 3:48 pm
  #1470  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......
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