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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Apr 5th 2007, 12:36 pm
  #121  
 
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Funny i will have some of that
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Old Apr 5th 2007, 1:51 pm
  #122  
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Old Apr 5th 2007, 6:31 pm
  #123  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to his front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
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Old Apr 5th 2007, 7:13 pm
  #124  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?!"
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Old Apr 5th 2007, 10:57 pm
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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob
"if we don't get support soon people will think
we are nuts" Boom boom....
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 1:31 pm
  #126  
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Stone me!

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 3:10 pm
  #127  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 4:02 pm
  #128  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

A BBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"....
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 5:58 pm
  #129  
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 6:31 pm
  #130  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

....

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

"Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The new Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square

Bubba says, "this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into
the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?........
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Old Apr 6th 2007, 7:47 pm
  #131  
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Lol! Martha and Bigbhudda, those last two were classic side splitters! I can't stop laughing at them, Bob thinks I'm crazy (nothing new there then!) 'cause I keep getting the giggles!
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Old Apr 7th 2007, 8:48 am
  #132  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A good one (and Spanish related) on Countdown last night....

(THE WORD IN CAPITALS SHOULD BE SAID VERY SLOWLY)

Paddy was moving to Spain and was having Spanish lessons, it was time for him to go and he could still not speak Spanish, so his teacher said do not worry, just speak SLOWLY

On arrival he went to a bar and said CAN I HAVE A PINT OF BEER PLEASE. The bartender poured his pint then said IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE, to which Paddy replied ARE YOU IRISH, the bar tender said YES, so Paddy said "why are we speaking in Spanish then ?
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Old Apr 7th 2007, 8:57 am
  #133  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by weemac View Post
Here is another!

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.



After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."

The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's ******* clueless!"

So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names



the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."

" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"
Excellent weemac and I'am Irish!
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Old Apr 7th 2007, 10:42 am
  #134  
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Nightmare Drive!
Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!".
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
All of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old man is looking in the window. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.
Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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Old Apr 7th 2007, 7:01 pm
  #135  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..nice one chrisw..reminds me of my track.....
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