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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jun 24th 2020, 2:39 am
  #4966  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A delightful, angelic little boy was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station.
A man approached him and asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy cheerily replied, “Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re shitting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office."

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Old Jun 25th 2020, 2:08 am
  #4967  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
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Old Jun 26th 2020, 2:24 am
  #4968  
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..

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."
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Old Jun 27th 2020, 1:51 am
  #4969  
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Old Jun 27th 2020, 3:54 pm
  #4970  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
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Old Jun 28th 2020, 1:47 am
  #4971  
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A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."
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Old Jun 29th 2020, 2:58 am
  #4972  
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kilkenny. At closing time the Guarda noticed Tommy leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. Tommy stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.


After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, Tommy managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.


Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the flashers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when Tommy's was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The Guarda, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled Tomy over and administered a breathalyser test.


To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that Tommy had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyser must be broken.'"


"It ain't" said Tommy , truly proud of himself. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
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Old Jun 29th 2020, 2:59 am
  #4973  
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Old Jul 1st 2020, 4:55 am
  #4974  
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..Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
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Old Jul 2nd 2020, 2:32 am
  #4975  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna’ get the day off. I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad!”

So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts “I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb!” while Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” said Murphy.
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Old Jul 4th 2020, 12:32 pm
  #4976  
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Old Jul 4th 2020, 12:46 pm
  #4977  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

....Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
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Old Jul 5th 2020, 2:39 am
  #4978  
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Old Jul 6th 2020, 3:26 am
  #4979  
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Old Jul 7th 2020, 2:34 am
  #4980  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!


​​​​​​THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US
BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID
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