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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Nov 21st 2019, 2:46 am
  #4711  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

[color=left=#666666]snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.[/color]

[color=left=#666666]8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.[/color]
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
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Old Nov 21st 2019, 10:07 am
  #4712  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
[color=left=#666666]snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.[/color]

[color=left=#666666]8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.[/color]
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
Unfortunately true, there is a woman suing her daughters school because she has been cast as 'The Inkeepers Wife' in the nativity play, she is objecting to WIFE as that conjours up ownership by the husband, and subservience. She complained on that Facebook group that always delivers 'Mumsnet', most people have told her to 'get over it' the story is some 2000 years old, and things were different then
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Old Nov 23rd 2019, 9:28 am
  #4713  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My joke of the day Mourinho to spurs
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Old Nov 25th 2019, 3:15 am
  #4714  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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Old Nov 29th 2019, 2:48 am
  #4715  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'you'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
***

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightening, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said. 'Well, she got there!"
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Old Nov 30th 2019, 4:37 am
  #4716  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! YOU HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMEN SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING ME, SENDING NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER DOWNSTAIRS . SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE HOME BUTTON IS STUCK ON
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Old Dec 1st 2019, 1:58 am
  #4717  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle. It was a box of rice.

Thanks Uncle Ben.
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Old Dec 3rd 2019, 7:59 am
  #4718  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
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Old Dec 3rd 2019, 8:04 am
  #4719  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Where have all the pics gone mate i miss them.
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Old Dec 3rd 2019, 12:50 pm
  #4720  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by el collado kid View Post
Where have all the pics gone mate i miss them.
For some reason the pics are showing up in the Gallery. This is due to a software update some time ago.

I have asked tommy.irene to stop posting pics several times, because I have to go through the posts and delete the offending pics. My request is falling on deaf ears. If he continues to post pics I will close this thread.
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Old Dec 4th 2019, 12:01 am
  #4721  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

[color=left=#1d2129]John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. [/color]

[color=left=#1d2129]After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.[/color]

[color=left=#1d2129]"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"[/color]
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Old Dec 4th 2019, 2:31 am
  #4722  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

[color=left=#1d2129]In a tiny village lived an Old Maid.[/color]=left
[color=left=#1d2129]In spite of her old age, she was still a Virgin.[/color]=left
[color=left=#1d2129]She was very proud of it.[/color]=left
[color=left=#1d2129]She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local Undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a Virgin, lived as a Virgin, died as a Virgin."[/color]=left
[color=left=#1d2129]Not long after, the Old Maid died peacefully, and the Undertaker told his men what the lady had said.[/color]
[color=left=#1d2129]The men went to carve it in, but the ass they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote, "Returned Unopened."[/color]
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Old Dec 4th 2019, 2:36 am
  #4723  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

As I have been told not to put pictures on you can find them on my Jokes page on Facebook......IRISH CRACK & BANTER ..Its not my fault they moved me to the Lounge and the system is still showing them.
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Old Dec 4th 2019, 3:03 am
  #4724  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
As I have been told not to put pictures on you can find them on my Jokes page on Facebook......IRISH CRACK & BANTER ..Its not my fault they moved me to the Lounge and the system is still showing them.
It’s nothing to do with your thread being in The Lounge...it is due to a software update. Unfortunately pics in threads now also show in The Gallery. Because you post a lot of pics they are swamping The Gallery. BEVS has removed them, but it is very time consuming. Sorry it’s not your fault but it is something we have to try to avoid.
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Old Dec 4th 2019, 9:01 am
  #4725  
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl View Post
It’s nothing to do with your thread being in The Lounge...it is due to a software update. Unfortunately pics in threads now also show in The Gallery. Because you post a lot of pics they are swamping The Gallery. BEVS has removed them, but it is very time consuming. Sorry it’s not your fault but it is something we have to try to avoid.
Ooohhhhaa.never mind i enjoyed them will they lasted.Thanks for explaining Jersey can't have everything
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