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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jun 13th 2019, 1:26 am
  #4621  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there."No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty.""This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.""Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Old Jun 13th 2019, 2:52 am
  #4622  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

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Old Jun 13th 2019, 3:05 pm
  #4623  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by caretaker View Post
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there."No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty.""This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.""Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
Max Boyce did a similar one about a rugby game:

I wandered, lonely, through the crowds, with tired and aching feet
Ticketless and down-in-heart when 'ere I chanced to meet
A man with kindness in his eyes who said "I got a spare"
Oh I thanked him there, down on my knees and I asked him "But from where"?
He told me then the saddest tale of how his wife and he
Were two debenture holders, north stand, block A, Row D.
But since the wife's poor mother died, she hasn't been the same
She doesn't feel like going now. I thought "What a shame"
But then I asked "Why pick on me? Don't the family want to go?"
He said "They do, but the kick-off's at 3 and the funeral's 10 to 4"
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Old Jun 14th 2019, 4:10 am
  #4624  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
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Old Jun 14th 2019, 4:44 am
  #4625  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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Old Jun 15th 2019, 2:38 am
  #4626  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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Old Jun 16th 2019, 4:13 am
  #4627  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”


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Old Jun 17th 2019, 3:06 am
  #4628  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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Old Jun 19th 2019, 2:57 am
  #4629  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.
And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike.” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!

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Old Jun 21st 2019, 1:35 am
  #4630  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Two drunks get talking in a bar .The first man says.” Where are you from?”. “ I’m from Ireland”, Replies the second man.” You don’t say”, Says the first man.” I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a drink”. They both knock back their drinks,and the first man asks.” Where about in Ireland are you from ?”. “ Dublin”, comes the Reply.” I Cant believe it “, Says the first man “ I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink!”. Then the first man asks,” So what school did you go to?”. “ Saint Mary’s “,replies the second man.” This is unbelievable “, replies the first man “ I went to Saint Mary’s As Well.Lets have another drink!”.One of The Other customers says to the bartender ,” What are those two celebrating?”. “ Nothing “, replies the bartender.” IT’S JUST THE O’ MALLEY TWINS GETTING DRUNK AGAIN”.
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Old Jun 23rd 2019, 2:54 am
  #4631  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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Old Jun 25th 2019, 6:48 am
  #4632  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman goes into a police station and reports that a man has exposed himself to her. The officer asked what happened, she explained "I was going to the shops when a car pulled over and a man beckoned me over to his window, he asked me for directions to the nearest post office, as I spoke He started grinning then I saw he had his bloody thing in his hand" The officer could see the the woman was in some distress, he said gently "sorry I need to ask you, was he in a state of arousal?" She sobbed " no I think it was a Ford focus.
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Old Jun 26th 2019, 5:28 am
  #4633  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This happened to an Irishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Irishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Irishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Irishman answers with humour: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is an Irish car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!!

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Old Jun 27th 2019, 9:32 am
  #4634  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.' 'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?' 'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.' About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. 'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
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Old Jun 28th 2019, 5:11 am
  #4635  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A London solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in the front of his office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:

“My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters, it’ll never be the same again!”

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you solicitors are”, he said.

“You lot are so focused on your possessions, that you don’t notice anything else in your life!”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner.

“Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

The man looked down in horror, he screamed.

“Where’s my Rolex???”

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