tommy.irene

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently the problem.

The Beast

It's just been on Sky Sports News that Borussia Munchonacentreback have offered 30 million for Suarez.

Dick Dasterdly

At that price I think they may well get bitten.

tommy.irene

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

tommy.irene

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Dick Dasterdly

Ten Match Ban for Suarez.

A very expensive little snack.

He could have lived on prime Angus steaks for the rest of his life on what his little Cannibalistic bite will cost him and the club.

tommy.irene

An Irish man moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

tommy.irene

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, spirits, or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much....
My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said..
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care
__________________

Lenox

A reminder for those who looted electrical goods in the riots last year - your guarantee is about to run out.
Heh!

me me

Very good, both jokes gave me a giggle.

tommy.irene

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

jimenato

That made me laugh

tommy.irene

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

tommy.irene

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

Jon-Bxl

The other punchline is no you wont live longer, but it'll feel like 100!