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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Apr 6th 2013, 5:12 pm
  #1546  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Pub landlord says to his barman “You take over, I’m going to have an early night”.

Meanwhile at the bar,

“You sound like you’re from the Emerald Isle”.
“I am Sur, from the County of Cork”.
“From the County of Cork you say ? Well, would you believe it ? I too am from the County of Cork ! Barman, a pint for me and a pint from my friend from the County of Cork !”.
“And what part of the county are you from then ?”.
“From Cork City itself”.
“Well would you believe it ? I too am from the City of Cork ! Barman, a whiskey for me and a whiskey for my friend from the city of Cork !”.
“And where in Cork ?”.
“Dalboyne Park, do you know it ?
“Do I know it ?”. “I was only born there !”. “Barman, double whiskeys for my friend and me here”.
“And which street ?”.
“Higgins Street”.
“Well, would you believe it? Barman…..”
“And which number where you born at ?”.
“Number 54”.
“Well that’s incredible !, I too myself was born in that house. Barman……..”.

Next day the landlord says to the barman “How did it go last night ?”.
“Pretty quiet” says the barman, “The Murphy twins were in and got pissed again”.
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Old Apr 6th 2013, 11:28 pm
  #1547  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A young Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he was taught in school today.
“The Israelites crossing the Red Sea” he replies.
“And how did they do it ?” she asks.
“Well. First a squad of crack Israeli troops crossed and secured the far bank, then the engineers threw a pontoon bridge over the sea, and covered by the Israeli Phantoms overhead, the tanks withdrew with the people over the….”.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, that’s not what happened….” interrupted the mother.
“Well, if you don’t believe that,” says the young boy, “You won’t believe the crap they tried to teach us in school”.
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Old Apr 7th 2013, 12:22 am
  #1548  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The Northumbrian coast in the dark ages.

Over the horizon comes a Viking ship, it’s sail billowing, it’s oars all rowing in unison, the shields on the side of the ship gleaming like burnished gold. The ship runs to the beach, “shhuush”, it cuts into the sand. Over the side clambers the chief of the Vikings, climbs to the top of the cliff and stares out to sea.

Just then another Viking ship slips over the horizon, it’s sail billowing, it’s oars all rowing in unison, the shields on the side of the ship gleaming like burnished gold. The ship runs to the beach, “shhuush”, as it cuts into the sand.

The chieftain looks out to sea again, and waits a good half hour.

Finally, a third Viking ship appears over the horizon, it’s sail is flapping, the oars are completely out of rhythm, the shields, if there, are green with neglect. The ship comes in sideways to the beach with a crunch, and all the occupants fall out.

The chieftain raises his arm and slowly points to the first boat and cries “Murder”. There is cheering from the first boat. He then points slowly to the second boat and cries “Pillage”. Again there is wild cheering.

And as he slowly raises his arm again there is a deep groan from the third boat, “Aww no, not rape again”.

Last edited by notacontrathinker; Apr 7th 2013 at 12:25 am. Reason: from the third boat
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Old Apr 7th 2013, 5:27 am
  #1549  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Old Apr 7th 2013, 9:43 am
  #1550  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

MAN RULES

AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
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Old Apr 7th 2013, 6:09 pm
  #1551  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

“Ginger ?”.
“Is that you Fred ?”.
“Yes Ginger”.
“I’m still getting ready, but I’ll be down in a minute Fred”.
“OK Ginger”.

“Fred ?”.
“Yes, Ginger ?”.
“Fred, I’ve got a rice pudding in the oven will you take it out for me ?”.
“OK Ginger”.

Bang !

“What was that Fred ?”.
“The oven blew up Ginger”.
“Are you alright Fred ?”.
“Yes, but; I’ve got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails”.
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Old Apr 8th 2013, 6:27 am
  #1552  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. ...The Russians used a pencil.
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Old Apr 8th 2013, 11:21 am
  #1553  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
MAN RULES

AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

...
Ladies - please be aware that this is not a joke - it is true.
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Old Apr 9th 2013, 8:21 am
  #1554  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
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Old Apr 9th 2013, 5:41 pm
  #1555  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... Is how it all works.
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Old Apr 10th 2013, 7:26 am
  #1556  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
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Old Apr 10th 2013, 10:01 pm
  #1557  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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Old Apr 11th 2013, 4:55 am
  #1558  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

hree Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.



'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're goanna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
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Old Apr 12th 2013, 9:08 am
  #1559  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
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Old Apr 13th 2013, 5:53 am
  #1560  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”
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