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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Apr 2nd 2013, 9:15 am
  #1516  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Sad.... but true?

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and
> the ones that are left are handicapped.

> What's a man's idea of housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
> What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home!

> What did God say after he created man? I can do better than this!

> What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack
> of beer!

> How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every
> time they see a bikini.

> What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote between
> his toes.
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Old Apr 2nd 2013, 9:19 am
  #1517  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

When watching Casualty, ER or any other medical drama you will now be able to follow what they are all on about…

Some of my favourites = Barium, Pap smear, rectum .....


Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery..........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan.......................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma.........................A punctuation mark.
D & C.......................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema........................Not a friend.
Fester........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................A small lie.
Genital.......................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....................Damn near killed him.
Secretion..................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..................Near by/close by
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Old Apr 3rd 2013, 8:08 am
  #1518  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Old Apr 3rd 2013, 8:21 am
  #1519  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
I was 74 yesterday.... no joking....
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY Tommy, you 'nutcase'

Hope you had lots of

You never fail to make people laugh and brighten up their day! Keep the jokes coming and have a great year!

Jon
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Old Apr 3rd 2013, 10:56 am
  #1520  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Jon-Bxl View Post
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY Tommy, you 'nutcase'

Hope you had lots of

You never fail to make people laugh and brighten up their day! Keep the jokes coming and have a great year!

Jon
+1
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Old Apr 3rd 2013, 1:21 pm
  #1521  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by notacontrathinker View Post
+1
And me. I always look forward to the early morning joke.
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Old Apr 3rd 2013, 7:49 pm
  #1522  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 8:30 am
  #1523  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 8:34 am
  #1524  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Why my wife left me.....


I don't understand why. After the last child was born, she told me we had to
cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe 10 pints on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw 35 Pounds in makeup. I
said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "that's what the beer was for!"
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 8:37 am
  #1525  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Why my next wife left me!


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.



On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* the Death Slide,

* the Wall of Fear,

* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to

a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and

M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and

lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f***in tw*t"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 11:21 am
  #1526  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in the homeware section of Debenhams.

When asked whether he felt his actions foolhardy, he replied that he had thought about it long and hard but had decided that it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 11:23 am
  #1527  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know that people in Abu-dabi-do!
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 11:27 am
  #1528  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A mate of mine came out of the closet yesterday......He isn't gay!



















He has Alzheimer's and thought it was his car...

















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Old Apr 4th 2013, 11:29 am
  #1529  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"
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Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
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Old Apr 4th 2013, 1:16 pm
  #1530  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My mate was driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies my mate. "Was I all over the road?"
















.




















"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."


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