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chrisw Mar 17th 2007 4:40 am

Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. :mad: I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. :blink:
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.” :ohmy:
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’ :rofl:

Miss Naughty Mar 17th 2007 9:11 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by chrisw (Post 4527573)
Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. :mad: I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. :blink:
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.” :ohmy:
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’ :rofl:

lol xxx

Lionda Mar 17th 2007 9:16 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :thumbsup:

weemac Mar 17th 2007 11:00 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Here is another!

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.



After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."

The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's ******* clueless!"

So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names



the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."

" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"

chrisw Mar 17th 2007 11:22 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by weemac (Post 4528084)
Here is another!

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.



After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."

The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's ******* clueless!"

So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names



the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."

" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"

LOLOLOL ! :rofl:

chrisw Mar 17th 2007 11:33 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Just to continue the theme, an no offence to any irish folk, and also wishing you a happy St Patricks day! :thumbup:
Paddy went into a pub and ordered 3 pints of the black stuff. The barmen served him and waited for his mates to come in an collect their drinks. No one else came in, and Paddy stood at the bar and over the next half hour downed all 3 pints.
The next day the same happened. The following day the barman asked Paddy "why don't you order your drinks one at a time, they will taste much better". To which Paddy replied "No thanks, it's just that my 2 brother and me promised that when we unable to be together we would share a drink with each other's health.
The barman said "that is a really nice gesture" and left him in peace to finish his drinks.
The next day, Paddy as usual, came into the bar, but only ordered 2 pints. The barman being quite concerned asked "I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers, to which Paddy replied:
" O no dere fion but oye have the infection and am on anti biotics so can't have one myself!":rofl:

MnM Mar 17th 2007 2:25 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
This is my 3 minute management course :)

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

____________________________________

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

_____________________________________

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the three minute management course!!!!!!:D

jonsol Mar 17th 2007 7:45 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by chrisw (Post 4527573)
Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. :mad: I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. :blink:
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.” :ohmy:
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’ :rofl:

:unsure: Again, not a joke, but you might find it amusing;
A fellow "Galley Slave (s) " family were all farmers, and so lived out in the countryside. The local publican, evidently, took the car keys from regulars when they arrived and if he thought they were unfit to drive at the end of the evening they didn`t get their keys back , One time this happened to my friend, and the local copper who happened to be there at the time asked my friend if he would like a lift back home, (late night/early morning ), so my friend gladly took up the offer.....everything was fine until they started driving up the long drive to the farm house , at which point the policeman turned on his siren .....! ! ! :curse:

derek500 Mar 17th 2007 9:01 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Shopping at Tesco.


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My
elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's
a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better
than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine
sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
Two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new Technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
"pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get
better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

chrisw Mar 17th 2007 9:59 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
LOL to all!:rofl:

Two women talking after death

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive! :eek: :rofl:

chrisw Mar 18th 2007 7:18 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A beautiful young blonde woman went into the hairdressers for a trim. She was wearing wearing earphones plugged into an mp3 player. She advised the hairdresser that she wanted a trim, but under no circumstances was the hairdresser to remove rthe earplugs. :blink:
The haidresser advised it would be quicker and better to remove them. The young lady refused.
The hairdressert now felt it a bit of a challenge so agreed to cut her hair on her terms. He got about halfway through, and thought to himself ! "How stupid am I to agree to 'humour' the young lady in such a manner as to make my job so difficult". He thought, "blow this" and took one of the earphones out, when she suddenly let out a blood curdling screem and ran out tof the shop. :confused:
There was nothing he could do, so went about his business and forgot all about it.
Several days later, the blonde beauty came back into the salon with the same request. He made the same protests, she insisted on the same conditions, that he was not to remove the headphones.
As before, he started cutting, got fed up with the awkwardness of trying to cut her hair with the headphones on. Without warning, he whipped them off in one fell swoop.
The blonde beauty fell to the floor. Dead as a Dodo. The hairdresser looked on in horror and disbelief. He glanced at the headphones and slowly picked them up.
As he they got closer to his ear, he heard:
" Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.... ! :rofl: :rofl:

chrisw Mar 18th 2007 7:25 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jonsol (Post 4528986)
:unsure: Again, not a joke, but you might find it amusing;
A fellow "Galley Slave (s) " family were all farmers, and so lived out in the countryside. The local publican, evidently, took the car keys from regulars when they arrived and if he thought they were unfit to drive at the end of the evening they didn`t get their keys back , One time this happened to my friend, and the local copper who happened to be there at the time asked my friend if he would like a lift back home, (late night/early morning ), so my friend gladly took up the offer.....everything was fine until they started driving up the long drive to the farm house , at which point the policeman turned on his siren .....! ! ! :curse:

Lol :rofl: Bet everyone thought the cockrell had a new ring tone! :rofl:

keithwalters Mar 18th 2007 9:50 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

keithwalters Mar 18th 2007 10:02 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

keithwalters Mar 18th 2007 10:08 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
One day a housewife is alone at home and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a friend of her husband who says, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred quid just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred quid! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred quid on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 pounds if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the shops. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 quid he owes me?"

keithwalters Mar 18th 2007 10:12 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A primary school teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

chrisw Mar 18th 2007 10:27 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
LOL! VERY good keithwalters :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Still LOL!:thumbsup:

brisca Mar 18th 2007 10:34 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had ever heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

MnM Mar 19th 2007 5:12 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
*lol* They are all great, love reading them! Keep 'em coming ;)

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from €250 to €500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the €500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the €500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for €500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday.

chrisw Mar 19th 2007 11:33 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Lol! :rofl: Nice one Martha!


HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
The Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"You shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So God went to the Black people and said, "I have Commandments."
The Black people wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour your Father
and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Then God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "You shall
not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "You shall not
commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10." :rofl: :rofl:

There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

keithwalters Mar 20th 2007 12:49 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

chrisw Mar 20th 2007 11:53 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by keithwalters (Post 4537955)
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Lol! :rofl:

jdr Mar 21st 2007 5:09 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Engrish Warfs HERE

MnM Mar 21st 2007 8:34 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :thumbsup:

Love this thread!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for €10....on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,"You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a
€10 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said....

"Clean my house.":p

martin36-1 Mar 21st 2007 8:47 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang.'" Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My bloody point exactly."

martin36-1 Mar 21st 2007 8:57 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, as he settled into his seat he
noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She
took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
She replied "I'm giving a speech on popular myths about sexuality."
Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are Irish men.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,
I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me
Paddy."

chrisw Mar 22nd 2007 1:35 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by martin36-1 (Post 4543770)
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang.'" Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My bloody point exactly."


:rofl: Was that the sound of a bubble bursting? :rofl:

poollounger Mar 22nd 2007 9:38 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A couple aged 88 and 90 go to the divorce lawyer.. Warily he asks them to sit down.
"And what may I do for you?"
"We want to get divorced "
" I see......I also see that you have been married for almost 70 years.. might I be so rude as to ask why, after all this time, you now wish to get divorced?"

"Simple really....we wanted to wait until the children were dead...."

martin36-1 Mar 22nd 2007 10:28 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
that was a simple one to understand. Did chrisw get it this time????????????????

chrisw Mar 23rd 2007 1:35 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by poollounger (Post 4545893)
A couple aged 88 and 90 go to the divorce lawyer.. Warily he asks them to sit down.
"And what may I do for you?"
"We want to get divorced "
" I see......I also see that you have been married for almost 70 years.. might I be so rude as to ask why, after all this time, you now wish to get divorced?"

"Simple really....we wanted to wait until the children were dead...."

:rofl: Lol!
Nice one Poollounger!
An elderly lady was talking to one of her freinds. She said, "my husband and I were happily married for 60 years. Every Sunday we used to make love to the rhythm of the church bells". :o Her friend replied, "You were very lucky to have had such a loving husband Gladys". :) "Yes", Gladys replied. "And if it hadn't have been for that damned fire engine, he'd still be alive today!" ;)
:rofl:

chrisw Mar 24th 2007 12:24 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by martin36-1 (Post 4546084)
that was a simple one to understand. Did chrisw get it this time????????????????

:rofl: Yes thank you Martin36! recieved and understood, over! :rofl:

Bigbhudda69 Mar 24th 2007 10:18 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
:eek: ...
A normal guy, 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,

decided to take a holiday.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of

his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with

no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most

gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In

disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here

when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw

material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree

branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern

came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I

found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the

hardware."

The guy is stunned.


"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she

docks the boat at a small wharf.


As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a

stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and

white.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the

man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call

it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop

of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you

like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down

on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going

to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower

and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in

the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two

shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a

swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,

strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She

beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been

out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure

you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his

eyes.........



"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?!"........:eek:




chrisw Mar 24th 2007 10:30 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
:rofl: LOL! Great joke Bughudda169, just sent you some karma for that one! :rofl:

Bigbhudda69 Mar 24th 2007 10:34 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Oh Chrisw...
Thank you ..thank you..what does that mean.....??..are you talking white lights...same as lord Bhudda...I thought it was good...refreshingly modest...:eek:

poollounger Mar 24th 2007 10:45 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....:( :(
Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "
Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
"Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"
"Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular, as much loved as was Diana?"

The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ???"

Bigbhudda69 Mar 24th 2007 10:49 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Oh Yes..
WE like that one..yes we do.....:ohmy:

Bigbhudda69 Mar 24th 2007 10:56 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
One for the Laydees..

Don't step on the Ducks!!


Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

chrisw Mar 24th 2007 11:03 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Not as good as Bighudda69's joke, but it reminded me of this one.
A magician managed to secure himself a very lucrative contract to work on a luxury cruise ship. He could not believe his luck. He had worked hard since he was a boy to attain to become the "best" magician in the world, and this was his lucky break. :D
The magician was indeed, excellent and put on stunning performances which were greatly appreciated by his "captive" audiences, with the exception of one, a parrot! After every trick or illusion he performed, the parrot would exclaim, "it's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve."
The magician consolled himself by coming up with various ways in which he would, given the opportunity rid himself of his irritating heckler.
One evening, during his performance, there was an massive explosion on board and within 5 minutes the ship had sunk.
He fought to stay afloat in the water as he was not a good swimmer. However he eventually managed to pull his weary body up onto a piece of wreckage. He discovered to his dismay, that he and the parrot who was already on the wreckage, were the only surivors. :ohmy:
He stared at the parrot with venom running through his viens, feeling he had been his "Jonah". :mad:
He glared at the parrot, the parrot stared back. For 3 days their gaze was uninterupted, until finally the parrot said:
"Alright, I give up, where'd you put the ship?" :rofl:

Bigbhudda69 Mar 24th 2007 11:04 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Its for youhooo...



Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.


But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.

:-[


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)



V



V




M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.



What were you thinking?.......a..a..a......!:eek:









chrisw Mar 24th 2007 11:21 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by Bigbhudda69 (Post 4555235)
Oh Chrisw...
Thank you ..thank you..what does that mean.....??..are you talking white lights...same as lord Bhudda...I thought it was good...refreshingly modest...:eek:

:thumbsup: Hi Bighudda69! I have sent you a PM which you can access by clicking on your messages button on top right hand of page. :D


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