10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Hello everyone,

I don't often post on these boards as I don't feel I have much to contribute in the way of sage advice on life here in Italy, but when I have posted an issue, I have got consistently good, sound advice, so here's hoping someone out there knows about how I am feeling.

I hate to be a whinger and a Negative Nancy, but please humour me for a minute. I have been here for about 10 months, and I came to be with my boyfriend, who turned into my husband. At first I was romanced and enchanted about living in Italy. I imagined myself working at a little school, driving a cute bike around, and collecting fruit from markets whilst speaking fluent Italian. and wearing amazing clothes.

The reality looks like this: I have NO friends, my bike got stolen after having it for 2 weeks, I stumble through my Italian on a daily basis, the chick at the language school is a nutcase and actually, I hate teaching English (and I think I absolutely am pants at it). I have nice clothes, but honestly, who on earth am I wearing them for, as I don't go out much.

I do not understand Italians, and especially the women. I am sorry, I know this post is depression city and I admit that i am feeling sorry for myself, but what is the go with these people?! The women (that I know) are so jealous, they stare you up and down and comment on how I look at all times (tired! bella! skinny! not skinny!) They do not feel like true friends and seem to only give a toss about their families, which I can understand given that anyone outside of your family seems to want to use you for money, talk about money, be jealous, be competitive. God FORBID going out to split a bottle of wine (or two) over dinner and being silly. I actually can't even imagine finding a woman here to do that with.

I came from a rich group of girlfriends and have always been extra social, so it never even entered my head that I wouldn't make another gaggle of friends. The people I have met (and my H owns a company, so bare in mind a lot of people I know I met through work and they all seem to want to get a buck off him) just seem shady as hell and I am getting over even trying to make an effort anymore.

Before I was having some moments of depression, but I could always climb out of them. But after spending some time in London with some friends recently, I came back just gutted. I feel like the girl I used to be is just lost here. I can't even be funny as I don't get the sense of humor and anyways, my wit does not translate into Italian. I just remember bursting into tears at the airport coming back from the UK, with all its organization and clean, nice lines and people being civilized to the line at the Italian airport with the usual insanity, no lining up for anything, pushing to get ahead, staring, etc.

I just feel like I don't know what to do. I feel isolated here (I live in a village outside of Milan) with no car (my H always has it) and now no bike, and I feel like my life is constantly staying in the house and cooking and cleaning. Not like my Italian husband would ever wash a plate under any circumstances ever in life.

Now things are cracking at home because I am so down and trapped inside my head and my husband just wants me to be happy and I just hear myself complain. Things as simple as the hairdressers here are enough to make me cry now. I had beautiful blonde hair, now I have orange streaks where highlights are supposed to be. Good god.

Is this going to get better and will I come to some sort of acceptance of this life style and culture? If I can't see my own selfishness and pessimism and someone would like to shake me out of it and tell me off, please do. Just anything to help me get some perspective on this. I feel like I am starting to hate everything about Italy :(

Thank you all for reading.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Hi Sunnyjt,
Well I'm really sorry to read your story and it sounded very much like me when I arrived here in Sicily 27 years ago.
Sicily isn't Milan though, so come on I'm sure you can find some new friends maybe better if they don't work for your husband. Not all Italian women are like you say, you can find some nice ones!!!
Why don't you go round the schools and see if they are doing PON courses, they always need mothertongue teachers that way you can start making friends of your own and some cash or even private lessons you can meet lots of people like that. Maybe you could go to a course to improve your Italian.
You need transport, if you can't have a car check out the local transport.
Has your husband got any family close by ??? Maybe a sister or a cousin.
Things will get better if you make them better, feel positive!!!!
Go to another hairdresser's get your hair done!!:starsmile:
When you are low get on a plane and spend a week in the Uk, it's only a 3 hour flight!!
Tell hubby how you feel! Could you not work with him??? Have you got a hobby? Go to the local gym or dance classes there you will meet new people!


Get a grip:nod:As soon as you find friends you will be fine!
Gill.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Yes. Thank you so much. Get a grip is exactly what I need, what the hell is happening to my head?!

I know better than to stereotype everyone like that, and I am sorry about my rant about Italian women. You're right, of course they are not all like that. I think I am in a dark place and just have to get up to see the light. Doesn't help that i am starting to isolate myself as well.

Will take all suggestions into consideration, thanks Guilana.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

:thumbsup:

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

I think a lot of English women who marry Italians and come to live in Italy have been down this path, so don't worry, you are not alone. You must get yourself another pair of wheels either a bike, little scooter and even a car. Isolation is the worst thing as it cuts you off from the rest of the world. What about joining a gym to meet new friends and the physical exercise would have a positive effect on your mood. And you are near Milan, so why not arrange a meet up with all the expats there who are on this forum, you can send them PMs and have them round for a cuppa. There was another thread "possibly heading for Italy" and Patty proposed this magazine which may also help you:


http://www.easymilano.it/

Don't feel sorry for yourself (we'll do that) and it will get better if you want it too. Chin up!

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

New bike or a car will be a start.

Dont try to make it england, the country and people are different. I must admit Milan is probably 1 of the places I like the least but I am sure even there people will be friendly enough if you find the right ones!

Get to know the people throughout the village/town first and then it will grow remembering people are family centric and hard-up.

It might be less easy in the winter but most towns seem to have loads of fetes and festivals on so thats another chance to meet people and sit and have a drink and some food.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Hi SunnyJT

You are being quite hard on yourself I think, it's only been 10 months which isn't that long if you think about it to learn a new language, new culture, change job etc etc.
I remember when I first arrived in Milan (same as you outside Milan in quite a small village..) - I felt so isolated, and I am naturally quite a shy person i found it really difficult and got to the stage where I couldn't just even be bothered to make an effort.
10 years down the road I'm still here, 2 kids later - things are still not perfect but now Ive a great group of english/american friends to have some crazy moments with and some Italian friends (not many I have to admit I could call real friends) - but I realise it's just because I started to give everyone a chance, also probably having kids helped to to be honest :)
But like everyone has said so far you need to make a life for you (and not your husband) - get out there and yes you need some form of transport and a lot of patience and slowly you will start to get used to it...
Anyway pls feel free to rant when you want to...thats what we are here for :D

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Why's everyone trying to put a positive spin on it? Things will only get worse. As far as I see it you have three choices: accept that you made a bad decision in coming to Italy and live a miserable existence; have lots of children to occupy your time so that you forget about your miserable existence; get a divorce and return home where the grass is always greener.

I'm 7 years here and I still don't know which of the three options to take.

Anyway, it's not all that bad for you. Just look at poor Gary Speed. He only had to play a match against the Italians and look what that did to him :eek:

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Definitely get yourself some form of transport. You mustn't let yourself become cut off. I lived here for about 9 yrs in the 80's and then stupidly came back in 2003 - but its a decision I have to live with and have to make the best of it. My kids love it here and my hubby wouldnt live anywhere else - so as Duffer says its either divorce or just get on with it ;)
I am always moaning and comparing the UK with Italy - it might not solve anything but it makes me feel a lot better :p
Anyway - you are near Milan and there are loads of expats there - there are lots of English clubs/cinema etc (as you can read in the link for the magazine Easymilano) and so you can and must make a life for yourself and make some friends. dont worry about italian women - I only have one real italian friend and all the rest are English! I gave up trying- they are simply on another planet. Alot of them are very nice but they are just culturally very different. It used to upset me but now I just dont care.
I have English TV and I work with English colleagues - the fact that my house is in Italy doesnt matter :D You're lucky in that Milan is one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Italy and even though you are in a small village you are close by and you mustn't let it get you down. my daughter lives in Milan - she knew no-one at first but now I have trouble in finding her at home cos she's always out. So dont worry - it will get better. We're all here if you want a good old moan. Just think - it will make you a stronger person in the end.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

your in the depressed missing home stage of life abroad, everyone i know hits the wall sooner or later, youve come to the end of the honymoon "i'm on one massive holiday phase!!" i reckon this phase your in usually kicks in about the 6-10 months stage and lasts till about the the two years stage. after this has passed you will feel much more integrated, knowing what your going through and why your feeling like this will help you alot.

I totally agree with what others have said on this thread about learning the lingo better and joining some kind of gym or club, sooner you make a "GOOD" native friend the better you will be for it. Oh hang on you already have one in an Italian husband, arent man and wife supposed to be best friends ?? forgive me for being personal but you SHOULD be happy as larry ! at least your not on your tod like me !

And your dead on about Italian women, well at least the one's i have met so far, i have never in my life come across such a concentration of up there own ass bitches in all my life ! give me an english rose anyday of the week !

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

To everyone that responded, THANK YOU!

Just even reading these replies has put the spring back in my step. And thank God I am not the only one who thinks that Italian women are, indeed, on another planet. I do find most of them nice, but it kind of ends there... I don't know, God, that could be a whole other blog (and if I remember correctly, it is!)

The one good thing about it all is that this is only temporary. I am lucky that my husband wants to get the hell out of here as well, but not until about 8 years has passed (boo). But we will get back to life as I know it.

I am going to look into getting a second-hand car, and go do that stupid TESOL course for teaching English. Not the best job, but I seriously cannot possibly stay in this house any longer. I will see what flies out at me later.

@Duffer, you made me laugh and I am sorry you seem to hate Italy as much as me. I am also torn between having kids or never having them here myself. And, as much as I was fantasizing about leaving this place the past few days, my hubby is my best friend, so wouldn't really be good to bail on the poor guy after 7 months of marriage!

Thanks all. I definitely need to hang out here more often!

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

BRAVA ! :nod:

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

Hi SunnyJT,

don't let the Italian women drag you down. After 20 odd years here I only have two close Italian girlfriends ......and both of them have lived abroad.
I know hundreds of others but they're not the kind of people to come round for coffee or wine or meet for a few drinks. It's just not part of their lifestyle. Now and again they might organise a "mum's pizza night" but I'm the only one who drinks more than one glass of wine ..... and they point it out to me and I don't give a rat's arse.

I'm probably the only mum in the village who is happy to walk into one of the bars alone and order a Prosecco as well. I might have got a few funny looks at first but now all the bar staff and plenty of the locals know me. In fact quite often I walk out after an aperitivo with my money still in my purse because somebody else has paid for it. I have more bloke friends than Italian girlfriends. My true girlfriends are British too. They help to keep me sane.

I never tried to become too Italian. I'm not - don't want to and probably couldn't keep up with their cleaning rotas and standards either. I'd rather be lazy sometimes and play with the kids or go out or pig out with tea and biscuits and a book. I'd rather have a life than concentrate on the bloody ironing or keeping the windows clean or waxing the marble floor.

Once you get yourself more of a social life, things get better - really.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

I'm glad I did. Was it the Gary Speed joke? 'cos it didn't seem to go down well with the people I'm hanging with.

And yes I hate Italy. Probably more than you.

God I'm depressed.

Re: 10 months here and depression is setting in
 

OMG. I love you.

I wish you lived in my village- I'd get a Prosecco or three with you any day!