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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too : they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning :
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Tell you friends SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS : I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

pity the graphiics would not come out.

THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any
kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago
given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was
actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when
Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie
detector, now tell us where you really were after
school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a
movie." said Tommy..
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and
said, “I am sorry I lied.. We really watched a tape called
“Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When
I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair…

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:


BUGGER! I have forgotten

An old lady answered a knock at her door and found the caller was a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she had chance to speak, the salesman emptied a bucket full of dog poo onto her hall carpet, then said to her :"madam if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of that dog poo from your carpet, I will eat the rest of it off myself"

The little old lady replied :


"Well I hope you're hungry, because the bastards cut my electric off this morning"

The Perfect Husband.......


A group of husbands are in the changing room of a golf club. Several had their mobile phones on the benches.
All of a sudden one of the mobile phones rings and one of the husbands answers it and puts it onto speaker phone.

It was wife on the phone who says "hi love are you at the club?"
He says "yeah"
She says " Im at the shops, Ive just seen this gorgeous coat for £1000, can I buy it?"
The husband says "If you like it sure, buy it"
She then says "Oh I also looked in the Mercedes showroom earlier, they had the new 2009 models in, including a gorgeous soft top one"
The guy replies "How much is it?"
She replies "£125,000, can I place an order on it"
He replies "If you want to but make sure it includes all the extras"

She then says "Remember that house I wanted last year? Its back on the market for £850,000"
He replies "Honey if you really want it that much, put an offer in on it for £800,000.They should accept, but we can always go a bit more if they don't accept"
She says "Oh honey thank you I love you so much"
He replies "Love you too honey, bye"

As he comes off the phone, the rest of the guys in the changing room are staring at him wide eyed, with jaws dropped to the floor.

He then says :"Anyone know whose phone that is?"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her..

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?





She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, STOP LAUGHING AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS)

I've just bought a Welsh SatNav - its called a TomTom Jones

Hope its better than the one I bought off a Kasmiri at Anjuna- it worked fine but it kept on wanting to take me to his brothers carpet shop at Palolem

K-C

Just in case this is for real! Better to be safe than sorry

Subject: FW: READ IMMEDIATELY AND PASS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW


Someone is sending out a very cute screensaver of the Budweiser Frogs.

If you download it, you will lose everything! Your hard drive will crash and someone from the Internet will get your screen name and password! DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

It just went into circulation yesterday. Please distribute this message.This is a new, very malicious virus and not many people know about it. This information was announced yesterday morning from Microsoft. Please share it with everyone that might access the Internet.

You Gotta Love the Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."





Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the e now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwghabw4N80

What a good school

Senior's wardrobe. . . . . . . .

Senior's wardrobe. . . . . . . . (cont'd)

Pictures taken at exactly the wrong time...

Pictures taken at exactly the wrong time... (Cont'd)

Cheers Hem



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