Well, for those of you who like a horror story and would like to feel that all is not sublime perfection in Brittany, here you go boys:

Saturday afternoon, our friendly neighbour arrived with his tale of a goat found wandering in La Feuillee. It had been investigating various places, had been evicted from the boulangerie and local restaurant and finally caught by a local bloke who took it to our neighbour who is on the council. Knowing we had sheds and a field, he came up and we obviously offered to just look after it temporarily (VERY temporarily I say!) until owner found or new home found. We thought, ok, a day at most, no problemo. Yeah, right......

We put it in the shed, gave it some hay left over from previous owners who clearly had animals, some water and I chucked in a load of dock leaves, grass and some thistles which we thought he'd like. No probs. Then, we thought he would like some air, so we tied him up to a mature sweet chestnut tree in our old chicken pen, which is fully fenced and where he could just see us, nibble grass and stuff and help hisself to low hanging bits of the tree. Going about one's business with a screaming goat going ape***t in the background grates after a while, so we walk him round the field, etc etc, then put him away for the night. Sunday morning, fed him more dock, tied him up, he screams, we decided he needed a change of scenery and tied him to a tree in the field where he can "browse" as they seem to call it.

More screams, so I go down and the daft beggar had nearly hung hisself up between two trees and was in difficulty. Trying to manoevre a goat, with big horns facing backwards (thank god for small mercies, facing forward would be even worse, take it from me) with a noose round it's neck aint easy. Got him down, put him away, went indoors, Pete goes on the net which says about special food, etc and we think OK he's hungry. Off to Pleyben for goat food, only gone 1 hour if that, when we get back, it's on the top of Pete's new rockery garden, eating sedum, bold as brass like something out of the Sound of Music.

And so it goes on. AND ON. This goat, called Roger, should be named Houdini. I'm used to horses, and yep, they kick and stuff, but these horns on this thing are a different kettle of fish, and it's got really scary, staring goat-type eyes. I wafted it back in it's shed with two large ferns like Cleopatra's bloody Eunuch twice, but it won't stay in there.

Latest instalment, friendly neighbour comes up this morning, I didn't hear him knock so he went down to check the goat, comes back up and knocked and said "Did someone come for the goat then?" "Nope" I said, "Well he aint there" and it's gone again. Was in the field, on the bank, by the tree it hung itself on before, I give up. Neighbour kindly reinforced the front of the shed where he broke through last time, we lowered the gate in the pen in case he crawled underneath, made it higher with a pallet, that's it, we thought, he's had it now, no way will he get out.

I am on the computer, my OH is downstairs watching telly, there's a bang on the door, we think it's our neighbour, Pete opens the door, it's THE GOAT, who forces his way in, shakes himself on my rug, starts to eat my ornamental fruit out of the bowl and starts watching the DVD Pete has on of the TGV Paris to Marseille run.

What the hell does one DO to keep a goat in? He must be a house goat, I'm going nuts, at the moment, Pete is down in the shed, with the goat, goatsitting, and I am taking him coffee every hour (Pete, that is, not the goat). The house now stinks of goat, I stink of goat, Pete stinks of goat and it's not nice this smell of goat. When we left him free in the totally enclosed chicken pen, with 6ft high wire all around, he was out in 20 minutes. Some goat friends said they can climb up rigid wire and launch themselves off the top. My cup runneth over ...........

We've advertised him as a "free goat" on local forums etc, and mayor put a notice in paper "lost goat", and hopefully soon it will be gone, but I'll be in the Funny Farm by then.

So, especially for you Ray51, lover of the BritishExpats Horror Channel, I hope you enjoy reading THIS!!!!!!!!

Bring on the Jack Daniels .............

And before anyone has any "goat jokes" about us being at the end of our tether, or it not being "udder bliss" in Brittany, please SAVE IT!

And no, we can't keep him, as we just can't afford him and he'd need a friend, and for anyone thinking two goats are better than one, NO IT ISN'T.

I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies as Pete, an animal lover of the most amazing kind, practically a buddist who freaks at stepping on ants, did say there was no way he could "develop a relationship" with a goat, so we can't keep him.

"Hay" ho.

, I don't know whether I'm laughing or crying with you - tears are falling, anyway!

Good luck with your caprine friend, whatever the outcome!

Great post. Hope you get shot of the goat soon though for your peace of mind.

Haha. Oh dear, I may laugh, but I sympathise. This is why I will only be keeping chickens and not goats! Maybe a dvd installed in his shed would help?

Lorna, sweet cakes, getting "shot" of that goat has given me ideas about burgers, sausages and other means, but being vegetarian it won't do us much good and he's got a way with him really, I'm just a soft touch under all the hard exterior, jokey stuff and fumes of Jack Daniels ........

Gav, stick to chickens m8, well not literally of course, you'd be arrested, but at least you get eggs. How's the house going? In yet?

Di, I thought caprine was a model, but looked it up and I am full of admiration for your knowledge sweetie, suspect you were subject to horrendous latin lessons like I was.

Latest on the goat is he may have found a home - I cannot thank God as I am atheist, so I will just extend thanks to the potential new owner, the wonderful neighbours and friends down the road who helped, and my superb other half who has been goat sitting now for over 5 hours. More coffee for him I think ............. and another JD for me!

I'm a big fan of goat's cheese, and I like the milk, but the horns and devil's eyes aren't for me. At least they can keep the grass trim.
I'm sure a part of you will be sad to see them go!

Won't be moving in until next June time, but the good news is I'm renting the house back to the seller's until we move in, as they are having a new house built. Win, win all around really as I couldn't really move until the next baby is born (due next March) anyway.

Cpmpletely off-topic, but félicitations!

What can one say, Be grateful it's not a pig. Goat Poo is easier to clean up than pig poo when it's in your carpet

Hope the goat has a new home by now.... you made me chuckle on a rather stressful day of my own!
Congrats re the baby GJB... 2 in quick ish succession; you aiming for a useful 3 in France?

Congrats. At this pace you can get the 3rd in by 2012

Gav! M8! Wonderful! You'll soon have your own "herd" at this rate Glad to hear about the house, yep, a good arrangement and they will keep the gardens trim for you too.

Hopefully, as I type this, a lovely lady is coming for Roger. And yes part of me will miss him, but a larger part is heartily relieved he is going where he will have his friends (goat friends) to talk to, rather than poor Pete sitting down in that shed trying to learn "goat", as he is already struggling to speak French ........

The goat poo was quite a surprise actually, as it was lots of little pellets like a rabbit does, I was expecting gargantuan elephant-like mounds. (Blimey, I feel like Chris Packham, the resident poo expert on Autum Watch....)

She's expected at Midday so keep everything crossed guys.

Thanks all! Didn't mean to hijack your thread Andy! The Mrs wants the magic 3, but I'll stick with 2 if I have my way!!! I figured it would be easier to have two in succession, this way they can entertain each other.

Hope Roger's been collected without any more dramas. Does goat poo make for good garden fertiliser?

Hi Andy, I do sympathise with you. Never kept goats, although I would like a couple of those dwarf ones, but only when we have built a fort-knox type enclosure in the "garden". Our neighbour had two goats for about 24 hours before they vanished into the adjoining forest, found a couple of weeks later being kept by someone staying in the next-door-but-one-gite...
We at one time had 700 sheep, and they were bad enough. This summer we borrowed 11 to keep the back "garden" down, fine until they found my veggie plot more tasty

Cows are bad enough, ours escape on a regular basis but last week someone called at the house to say a cow had got its head stuck under a fence. Puzzled, I went to take a look and sure enough a cow had its head under a metal barrier, in the gap which is no more than 8" above the soil. So in the raging heat I has there digging, trying to dig the cows head out. It was quite scary and funny, I wish I had taken a photo! As it happened, hubby was in Canada and my uncle who came over to look after the farm in his absence, was off at our friends winery, watching the harvest Luckily I managed to contact him so he came and dug out under the barrier, then neatly placed his feet on the cows head to persuade it out. The cow stood up and looked a bit dazed for a while but no harm done, luckily.

Who'd be a farmer?

Lawks a COW! No way, especially one with a death wish like that. Gav we bought a bag of fumier cheval - smoking horse - sounds like an Indian Chief of some sort - last year, mainly to give a bucketful with some mushroom seeds to a couple of good friends for a birthday present. To say it caused "a stink" would be putting it mildly. That's my total encounter with animal poo for over a year, save for something which does long sausages of black stuff with nuts or seeds sprinkled liberally through it, which we can't identify and seems to be all over the place this year.

Right, Roger has gone at long last, great home, we are pleased and having a lie-in for the first time in over a week, and I'm relieved we won't have him over the winter and that he went last Friday just in time for the whole weekend of rain we had.

All's quiet again on the Brittany front - but watch this space - it won't last ........