omario2016

The husband and the son are very lucky to have you. You are prepared to sacrifice so much. I hope they are not taking you for granted.

I certainly don't have much knowledge on the same level as most contributors here do so ignore this if you have already thought about it but have you researched about the possibility of applying under Article 8 of the Human Rights (the right for private and family life).....I think it is also known as making an "application outside the rules". I have a feeling that you can only apply for this if you are already in the UK but couldn't be sure....

feelbritish

From one Canadian to another! Please think this through very carefully. I am here on a Spouse Visa and we more than meet all the requirements and I can say even going it this route is so stressful. Going the route your Lawyer told you will be so much more plus it is illegal. Give it some thought to a future if you do get a 10 year ban and you want to settle anywhere else or even get a visa for another country for any reason, you will have to say you have been denied entry to the United Kingdom. This will impact your life in so many ways! Also don't think that what is on your passport will not be shared with other countries like USA, Australia etc! With computers being world wide your information is open for sharing for security reasons!

About your relationship. Long distance relationships always seem better than the real thing! Why do you not take a 2 or 3 month sabbatical from your work, sublet your flat and come over for a few months and live with your husband and his child and get a real good feeling for your future relationship should you move here? However, when you come through immigration and you perhaps get pulled up to answer questions be honest and tell them you are only spending the time you have chosen to see if your marriage works! Bring documentation from work and your lease of flat,bank statements you can support yourself with a return flight to show you do indeed intend to return!

Knowing Canada well, your husband and his child would get extremely good services and have a good life out there. If he is not prepared to discuss moving over even for a short period like a year or two, I see a very selfish and self centered person going through his own demons and you may never get through to him and will always come "third" in your relationship. Is this really what you want?

All the best but please do not come over and overstay!

Pulaski

Well said! I have been following this thread, and wondering if/when to contribute again, and your post reminds me what I thought early on in this thread, that this relationship has some huge issues, which in my opinion should have been ironed out before they even thought about getting married - how, when, and where they would merge their homes to their mutual benefit?

I have been through the process myself, a number of years ago, after meeting my now-wife on line. We had many lengthy discussions about ourselves, our plans, and our dreams, before we ever even met face-to-face. It might sound cold, but only when we had made sure that we were going to be able to agree on things like work and career, where we would live, and who would move, and when, did we start planning to get married.

Of course things can change, and we were both willing to move, and as it turned out, we both did move, but we knew enough about each other to know that we could make things work to our mutual satisfaction, without jeopardizing income, career, and financial security before we got married.

johannalouise

Just my 2 cents:
The kind of application that your lawyer is suggesting you make is almost 100% going to be refused, and then the lawyer will suggest that you appeal and if that fails, appeal again etc etc.
Each stage will cost you a visa/appeal fee + lawyers fees and this process takes years, look at timelines for people appealing decisions.
This whole time, you would be unable to work or access the NHS for free or use any public funds. So your husband, on his part time salary would have to support, himself, his son & you, living in London.
The financial stress alone would be difficult for any relationship on top of the uncertainty in your immigration status, the risk of deportation etc.
Perhaps your husband is so determined that the lawyer is right and this route will work for you and be easy, because it relieves him of any responsibility. He wouldn't have to get a full time job or ever hear a suggestion about moving to Canada again.
Considering that the son was 9 months old when his mother died, I don't mean to be insensitive, but he couldn't have had much of a relationship with her so I doubt that an ECO would consider the memory of her a strong reason to prevent him leaving the UK.

You're in a very difficult position and I really feel for you.

Vadio

I will echo sentiments in the excellent posts by Pulaski, Johannalouise, feelbritish, and especially omario2016.

When I first read your post that your husband is "the love of my life", my first thought was OK, fine, but are you the love of his life. If I had to bet the farm, my gut would be to say no, you are not. He is very prepared for you to make sacrifices, and plunge into the unknown - but will not budge one bit, even to get work, and that aloe is a huge red flag for an enduring relationship.

If you count back, how many days have you actually lived together? It's (relatively) easy to get through the odd couple of weeks, but the day-in, day-out??? After 25 years, I still discover new things about DH that annoy me, and I am sure the same applies to him. BUT - he was definitely willing to do whatever it took for us to be together, and even now he makes the occasional sacrifice (in his mind anyway) with the mantra 'happy wife, happy life'. :-)

I'm not suggesting that you give him an ultimatum, but in truth, if he wants to live together as a proper couple, there are things HE needs to do. A one-way street becomes pretty bumpy after the initial glow wears off.

Again, this is only my 2 cents (or 2 pence); your mileage may vary.

Tr1boy

I'd definitely be spending money on a lawyer, just not for a visa.

Vadio

2Wings

Hi again everyone! Thank-you for your comments. I know this relationship seems a bit one sided and I can understand how you see that. Essentially it comes down to this:

1. Husband is an old toot who is stuck in his ways. He has lived in only two homes. Childhood and the one he is in now. He has never travelled. Is afraid to fly. He really hasn’t seen life in the way most of us have. I don’t think he means to be a jerk. It’s about the fear of change. Moving to another country when the only experience you had was a trip to Brighton with your dad...well...it’s daunting. He is routine oriented and does the exact same thing everyday. I don’t mind this aspect. Even his friends tell me “ he was old at 20, and had to sit in the exact same chair at the pub everytime”. Lol I on the other hand lived all over Canada, and travelled. I attended 23 different schools and lived in over 30 homes. I’m not afraid to travel.

2. Hubby will not do anything that disrupts juniors life. He does not believe in altering his routine, disrupting his schooling, take him away from his mates or his nan. Since hubby has never experienced change, he cannot have junior experience it. I do see where you are coming from but I’m dealing with a very structured person. I don’t think he intends to be selfish. He simply is terrified and I know it. Junior says I AM NOT MOVING TO CANADA EVER MUM! He gets this look of fear. He’s a good kid and is pretty well behaved. He’s just afraid. And I kind of get it. Imagine you being whisked off to an unknown place...he can’t identify because dad can’t.

As another poster mentioned about....it is a FAMILY settlement! I just found out. That solicitor isn’t trying for a spouse visa on a 10 year route....but rather as the other poster said article 8 Article 8 ECHR and Outside the Rules Applications

2Wings

And yes the quality of life is better in Canada, but it’s not as pretty in the English way. It’s different. Pros and cons in this country too. To answer the other poster we’ve spent about 3 months in total together and speak every single day on skype for the past 7 plus years unless the time difference does not do-ordinate with work. I know of living together it will take adjustment, and a transition period will have to take place for us all. I’m not in fantasy land about that. I expect it to be messy. As for my job my bosses will not allow me to leave for 3 months. They are very strict about days off in general, never mind months! It’s illegal to sublet my apartment, so that isn’t an option.

I know I must come across to you all as a bit pathetic, or a bit of a joke. However folks, I don’t know what else to say. This is my situation, and the decision to marry took 4 years. I never thought it would be this difficult for him to find a full time job...that PAYS enough. I didn’t go in to this blindly. However I went in To it with a different time frame. If a significant percentage of the British population cannot meet the £18,600 then there is an issue. The onus is still on hubby though. He is not excused.

2Wings

Divorce is not an option. I love them both so much and hubby is a good person And is very kind and loving to me,despite this issue. I can’t leave that child. He cannot lose another mum. He’s had a boat load of therapy to help him deal with losing his own mum. He still cries on occasion for her. Even though he didn’t know her, I think it’s part of his identity.This would damage him immensely. Hubby's mum walked out on him at 2 years old never to be seen again. I can’t do that to them.

moneypenny20

Ignoring the visa and moving aspect for a moment (I have no knowledge) may I suggest that you try and get your husband to see a therapist of some sort? If he was 'over' his first wife dying enough to marry you, I'm at a loss as to why he's still not moving on. He needs help. Not saying he'd ever be at a point where he'd travel but if I married someone and had been in a relationship with them for 8 years, I'd have serious concerns. Also with his behaviour he's messing/messed a lot with his son's head (unintentionally).

What I really don't understand why there's any legal issue to your husband taking his son overseas. (ignoring that he doesn't want to). The child has no personal relationship memories of his mother, how can a court determine what a single parent can and can't do with their child in this respect. Is that really a thing???

2Wings

Yes I agree therapy would help hubby a lot. He’s been very good at making sure junior has therapy, but sadly overlooks himself. He will do anything for that child, to ensure his well being and is an excellent dad. As for the grief aspect, it is less dad’s influence about the deceased mother and more nan’s Influence. She has a huge shrine in her home dedicated to deceased daughter. Huge photo, flowers, candles, cards, school report cards, childhood drawings etc..And up until 3 years ago nan still had junior making birthday cards to his dead mother. “ Happy 48th Birthday Mummy” as if she was alive.... it’s creepy as hell. However she lost a child and it must be terrible grief. They are Irish so I’m not too sure if the shrine thing is an Irish tradition? Im not against a shrine, but this is bit morbid.As for the court thing... I don’t know how it works in that aspect moneypenny 20. Im afraid if I don’t get there my boys are going to be exactly like Steptoe and Son...

moneypenny20

Sounds like a nightmare. Hope you find a way of moving forward for everyone's sake. I don't even want to think about the mother's behaviour. She needs therapy as well, losing a child must be unbearable but that's not healthy behaviour at all!

2Wings

Oddly no one goes to deceased wife’s grave because emotionally they can’t handle it. It’s too upsetting, and they can’t. Irish mother collapses over daughters grave, and has stopped going.Hence hubby goes to maintain the grave, put flowers. He is responsible to look after it. No one else will and it will fall to disrepair. Junior goes on occasion. Hubby keeps only one tiny photo of deceased wife out. My pics/family pics of us are all over the flat. So that’s a good sign in a small respect I suppose.

2Wings

My brother passed away 3 years ago and my mom does not behave like that- even though she lost a child. It’s very unhealthy. However again, I’m not familiar with Irish traditions. The deceased wife’s mother LOVES me. The deceased wife’s sister? HATES me. Why? Because she said hubby had no right to move on and re-marry after her sister passed, and that 10 years a widower was “too soon” to marry. She said he should have mourned her sister forever. She refuses to speak to either of us despite meeting me once for 10 minutes! Anyhow, sorry I went a bit off topic! Just giving you the full-scope of the situation.