southern_belle80

Hi everyone,
I have been reading with interest and empathy, other stories of homesickness, some after many years. It has got to a point for me where it fills a lot of my day daydreaming about returning home - so I thought I'd share my story too (sorry for the long post).
I have lived in Australia for 8 years with my husband. We are both originally from the UK, but we met here 7 years ago, so came seperately and off our own backs. My life here for the first few years was AMAZING. I loved the weather, the lifestyle we had, blissfully in love, relatives visiting as often as they could - and that was enough for me. I have been back to UK 4 times on holidays so on average once every 2 years.
But ever since I have had my first child, 2 years ago, there has been a shift in how I see everything. The world has changed so much for me and I constantly think about how I need and miss my parents & my friends from back home.
I have met many wonderful people here - a lot who now also have kids - a handful who I consider will be lifelong friends, but it is not the same. My parents tell me I have done the right thing (to make me feel better) but I know deep down they desperately miss us and I imagine also resent that their only grandchild is on the other side of the world.
I don't think it is actually the country I miss - rather the people - although we have been lucky enough to do well in our 8 years here, and could move back to UK and buy our dream house house outright - so the so called 'standard of living' would probably be better for us in UK (minus the weather!). We are renting here while we keep saving for an overpriced property on the eastern seaboard.
Anyway, I guess the long and short of my problem is that my husband has absolutely no desire whatsoever to go back. He couldn't think of anything worse and loves his life here. For him, nothing has changed and it's been a hard journey for us both suddenly seeing that whilst our goals and aims are still alligned, the place in which we want to realise these goals are very different!
I love my husband with all of my heart and I would never go back without him. If he went along with it to suit me I know he would end up subconsiously resenting it/me in time. But at the same time I have a horrible feeling that these emotions will not fade, but will fester - and maybe even get worse when a second child comes.
So I wondered whether anyone has had those feelings and stayed, and what the coping mechanisms where?
My husband has also offered to to a trial 3 months in UK next year to see if this changes things but I can't see how it will emulate real life - we will be staying with relatives and that would be so stressful I would probably turn and run back!! Funny isn't it.... maybe the grass is just always greener.
I have friends here, I have a job I like, my husband is supportive, a wonderful child and I have a very happy marriage - but I still feel homesick!

feelbritish

well you have come to the right place! I can so relate to you! With me it was always a feeling of not quite content. My hubby had no intention to go back either. I had to slowly over a few months point out positives with UK. He was also getting fed up with life here too as it was changing beyond what he came out here to enjoy so that helped. We went back in May for a holiday. Don't stay with relatives, it is stressful and will not put the UK in a good light. We stayed out of the main cities in a vacation rental paying a weekly rent. We could do our own cooking and although it involved a lot of driving (get a gps it helps) we found coming home in the evening to our cottage was wonderful. We spent most of the days with family and friends and evenings on our own, sipping our 5pound bottle of wine, eating all the wonderful meals they sell and watching BBC. Some evenings we went to the local pub. This was done for 2 weeks. I tried to replicate what it would be like living there, to convince him! He came shopping with me, and he commented on how much cheaper the UK was. If you have to stay with relatives, let the "3 day rule" apply go off by yourselves for a couple of nights! It has taken me about a year to try and convince hubby. He can see how miserable I am and only wants to keep me happy because if I am happy then he will be happy. These boards and forums are my life blood at the moment, it keeps me positive that one day we will return.

Zen10

Hi southern_belle

I empathise a lot with some of what you have written. It is tough separating kids from grandparents, and we feel we must spend some point of their childhood in the UK, but we're keen that they spend most of their youth in Australia, so for is it's a tough problem that is difficult to resolve. Like you, neither of us misses the actual country much, but the family we do miss, of course. Also like you, they are very supportive of our being here, but I suppose deep down they would like to see more of us.

Our solution is that they visit once a year for a few weeks, and we plan on going back to the UK, depending on when the economy there improves, for a few short years. We hope this is enough.

Beccarose

I sympathize with you southern_belle. I've been in a very similar situation as you for years now (albeit involving entirely different places) and it has only been in the last 10 or so months that my husband has started to come around and see that my situation with feeling miserable here is not going to go away or change.
I know you don't want to go without him and realize you don't want him to do something so big just for you, but look at it from the other perspective- as I have had to (it helps a lot actually), if he were the one miserable and really needing to get out of there, you'd support him in that, correct? That's how it is for us anyway, yes, my husband is happy here and could go on living here, but when one person in a relationship is miserable it begins to eat away at ever fiber of life and it becomes necessary to make adjustments to things even if one of the people is happy where they are.
My coping mechanism for the last years has been to have faith that some day he would truly understand where I am coming from and see that these nagging feelings are not going away like he assumed they would.
We do what we can for those we love. I'm certain that if we were to move somewhere and my husband ended up really feeling the need to not remain there then we would work out what to do next, together. Coping mechanisms are only going to get you so far- sorry to say. Those intense and nagging feelings (in my experience) don't tend to go away.
Best of luck to you. If you want to talk further please just shout, I'd be happy to speak with you more.

quoll

Oh yes, I hear you!

I felt just like you do at about that time. We had two kids, had a good life, good careers etc. much as I then loved Australia there was always the feeling that I didn't really belong there and when I went back to UK for holidays it just felt so right (and for me it was about the place, the scenery, the history and the community).

I have an Aussie husband and at that stage I thought it would be a heads down, bum up period where we could get the kids through education and get established so that we could have the freedom to be here and there when we were in a position to retire.

Well, that didn't happen. My Aussie DH declared that he had absolutely no intention of ever living in UK even knowing that I was as miserable as sin and trapped in a place I had come to loathe and I can honestly say that the last 10 years were the unhappiest I had ever been just because I was trapped.

Fast forward to exactly a year ago - we came to UK on holiday (and DH couldn't even bear to spend the full 8 weeks that my son, his family and I wanted to be here) but the wheels fell off my parents' wagon and I haven't returned to Aus. My DH (bless him) did a major rethink and flew back to UK to help me out and we have now been here a year. For all that he 'knew' he would hate it, he seems happy as Larry, even though his garden hasn't been as productive as he would have liked. He's enjoyed seeing the country with me and has appreciated some of the activities he has been able to do here which he couldn't do in Aus. Most of all, however, he will tell you that he likes having his wife back and not the bad tempered overweight miserable old trout that I had become from just being in the wrong place!

Moral of the story - dunno really, but probably stand up for what you want out of your life and work on a compromise that you can both live with. It really is hard when you are displaced and once the iron bars of entrapment clang shut it gets even harder. I guess one of you is always going to be the sacrificial lamb and you just have to work out which one of you goes best with the mint sauce and copes. Good luck with your decision, it's not easy!

Willgohome

Hi southern_belle80. I really feel for you. I am currently in the US (I'm a guy) and have been here for 28 years! and the time has come for me to return to my country.

I want to return because I'm homesick, America is a great place but I just don't feel American, I feel British and want to re-connect with the country I grew up in, (30 years) I want to explore places I haven't been to yet, enjoy the pubs, visit the countryside, hear people that sound like me, re-connect with family before it's too late etc.

I am married to an American and have just recently expressed my wishes to return home to the UK, but I'm not exactly sure how she feels about it. However I can say this, unlike yourself, when you said you wouldn't return without your husband, I feel so strongly about returning that I have given myself an absolute timetable of returning at the most in 3 years max if not before with or without my spouse.

Please don't get me wrong but I do love her, but my draw for returning to England is so strong that she's going to have to come with me or I'm going alone, yes that's how strongly I feel about returning home. Time will tell how this turns out but I'm already making changes to my life in America like selling some things I don't need, I also started saving money, I approach decisions in such a way that they won't hinder my return like 'does it make sense to buy this or that, as I'm returning to the UK and perhaps I should wait to buy it in England.

Sometimes I hear a piece of music or read an article or see a movie and yearn to go home, it's exactly those emotions I get that tell me it's time to go home.

I wish you all the best in your choices but I think the need to return is only going to get stronger and stronger and some kind of resentment may set in and make you somewhat miserable staying put in Australia and that just isn't good for your soul.

Best regards
Willgohome

southern_belle80

Thanks each of you so much for taking the time to respond to me - it's amazing how many people have similar stories and kind of makes you feel less alone! Posting this and hearing other peoples stories has really helped bring my feelings to the surface - My husband and I have had a series of long heart to hearts this weekend.
He has suggseted that if I still feel the same when we have a second child, then he would be open to returning on a trial basis - getting a short term lease somewhere to test the waters. He is very keen, as am I, for baby no.2 to be born in Australia so the have the same dual nationality as the rest of us.
I suspect he is buying time and thinks this gives him a while to convince me otherwise (!) but he was suprised, at the depth of my feelings. Whilst we have talked about it before, I don't think he knew I felt so strongly.
So no promises as to what the future holds but I have been completely honest about my feelings now, and he is willing to at least discuss.
Thanks everyone, I wish you all luck with your decisions too. Life is short and we all need to be happy

quoll

If you are both Australian citizens then your child doesnt have to be born in Australia to be Australian - s/he will be a citizen by descent anyway. You should both get citizenship though if you havent already done so. So, it really isnt an issue for you staying longer if you dont want to! (I have one son born in UK and is Australian because of his father's citizenship, so it's easy to arrange)

I reckon you need to commit for at least a year (or more if you can get a career break from a current position) for a trial period (moving in the other direction they always say give it two years but I reckon you definitely know one way or the other after a year). I wouldnt think living with rellies would give you a real feel for the place either (although we are living with my parents because they need the care)