Hi

My husband and I have been in Toronto now for 5 months, we moved over from the UK - he transferred over here with his uk employer. Things are really tough at the moment and last night he didn't come home and has told me he's staying at a friends for a while to get some distance between us and see if he misses me.

I have never felt so lonely. I don't have anyone over here to talk to about this.

I know a lot of the problems are my fault and he has been telling me for a while that I needed to do something. I'm a very quiet person and not very good at communicating and showing my feelings and that drives him crazy. Writing my feelings down didn't work as he said what sort of marriage was it where I had to write him a letter about my feelings. I have asked him if he'll try counselling but he downright refuses. I am wondering if I should just go on my own but also feel like he holds all the cards at the moment.

He also says that the spark is gone between us, both of us know it has been gone for a while but have just been trying to ignore the fact.

He says he doesn't want to see me for a while as seeing how upset I am makes him feel guilty and he doesn't want to stay with me out of guilt - this is the last thing I would want too.

I am just so confused as we have just had a fantastic holiday where we had a great time together. I am at the point where I am resigning myself to the fact that he wants a separation.

Sorry to dump this on everyone, I just need to get it out of my system instead of just crying my eyes out.

Thx

Well there's bugger all I can do about that, and I'm English rather than empathetic, but good luck to you.

That's really tough .... especially 5 months in, which can be a bit of a crunch time anyway ...... What is it he wants you to do? Are you working? Do you want to stay in Canada anyway(with or without him?)

If he's out at work and you're stuck at home on your own in a strange country, it's fairly normal and very easy, I'd say, to feel isolated and get depressed too. Do you have kids?

(Ignore dbd, he's being a tit!)
edit: Actually he's being a man ... they always think you are asking for advice and/or a solution when you really just want a sounding board ....

Moving to a new country is difficult and with just 5 months under your belt I'm sure you're still trying to find your feet. Certainly you don't need to be going through this.
Communication is a two way street and he's ignoring it by running away rather than work together towards finding a middle ground. IMO he sounds like a bit of a jerk. I figure you're not working or socialising with others which compounds the feelings of loneliness and can add to your frustrations and anxiety if you can't vent!
The first thing you need to to is stop blaming yourself and ask yourself how you can be with someone who treats you like this?!? Not easy I know but you'll soon find the answers.

Go for it ,get counselling for your own growth so that you can stand up to
his blame game. Go for counselling with an open mind , perhaps a small group
may help you relate with co group members in a safe surronding.

Can be rough during the process and you can do it .
Yoong

Always a tough one this. I would certainly say you need to be able to talk to him about things. The worst case is if you cannot communicate with your partner about things. How on earth is he ever going to know what goes on inside your head other than knowing that you might be unhappy. Maybe, though, it's too late for all of that. I've always countered that if one or the other partners fall out of love then that's it. It's no good persuing it. The most positive thing to do would be to try and look ahead at life without him. As it is, you're surrounded by negativity right now and you need to turn that around. I believe you're going to be fine, maybe not with him but you'll be surprised at what you can achieve when you put your mind to things. I wonder, are there children involved?

I am working at the minute although have been on short term contracts so have not gotten to know anyone well enough to share this with. There is one good friend here in particular but she is a mutual friend and so I don't feel like I could talk to her about this as I know she would give my husband a hard time.

Luckily there are no kids involved so that's something.

I think he just expects me to wait until he has made his decision. He says he doesn't want to see me as when he sees how much this is upsetting me he feels guilty and he doesn't want to stay with me because of guilt which I certainly wouldn't want either. He says he still loves me, that love is not a problem, it's just everything else!

I don't think I want to stay in Canada without him. We just received our PR's for Australia - we should have been there now however we delayed because of the opportunity for him at work. I would still love to go to Oz but think I will have to reapply as he is the main applicant on our visa and we haven't validated them yet. I think he has to notify them of the separation and my visa is likely to be cancelled.

laser558, I think you're right. I need to look ahead at what I want out of life and how I go about getting it although when I have started to do this then think have I just given up on us? But he's left me no option really as I can't just sit here helplessly and wait on him to come to his decision.

I know that I can be ok without him and that it'll be tough and I'll come through it. I'm just sad and to be honest a bit angry that we have had 9 years together and then it's just over.

And Morwenna, you are right just using this as a sounding board is almost therapy in itself.

Thanks for all the support everyone, I do really appreciate it.

Your husband is pretty resourceful for someone who just moved to
a new country and already found a empathetic/sympathetic
friend to shelter him for a while from his marriage.

Likewise for you,find the support that you need and get counselling.
The insight and growth that you gain from counselling are yours to keep.

Good luck with your decision.
Yoong

Just sending best wishes to you, what about friends back in the UK, can you contact them , its hard in a new country with no one about, the loneliness will ease ( I found it hard 3-6 months in) but there's always someone to talk to here
Terese

Who exactly is the friend? My first husband was also pretty resourceful. I think that is what he called it.

^^^
What she says... from the few clues you have given, I surmise that not only is your relationship on the rocks but there might be an added complicaton. Most men stay put (albeit unhappily) in a failing relationship until the day-to-day becomes truly intolerable or a replacement hoves into view.

From what you have written it sounds like you are pretty sure that there is no way back for the two of you as a couple. I feel for you - the end of any relationship is an emotional, fraught and difficult time and in your case complicated by visa issues and so on. My advice is that you should talk to a marriage counsellor or lawyer and find out what your options are.

It helps not to dwell on the 'what might have been' - stay focused on what is happening and how to get through it.

Redpen,

Sorry to hear about whats going on for you! Forgive me if I say anything at all to offend or upet you - but your story is ringing so many bells about whats happened to me.
I moved with my dearest husband (now ex sadly) abroad with my two young children. Fanstatic opportunity and job was out there - my ex was headhunted so the move was fairly simple. The children went to a european school and I was the housewife in a nice rented house.

After the immdediate settling in and putting the children into their respective schools, my ex just changed overnight. I was very naive, happily married for a long time and excused his mood swings to stress of settling down with his job aswell as the longer hours that he worked. He had gone from a patent devoted family man to a cold short tempered person.
I blamed myself at first to not doing enough in Italy, not building up my own life and getting friends.
It was very hard when you don't speak Italian and can't find the ex pat scene immediately. But after few weeks I got myself immersed in clubs etc and began enjoying the whole change.
However suddenly one morning after about eight months of being abroad I got my 'red card'. My ex announced he did't love me, then after a few days he changed it to being mixed up but decided he needed time to think about what he wanted.
Like you I was gutted but had two children whose father I thought had gone mad.For various reasons we all were moving back to the UK and my ex was taking his old job back. He decided to stay abroad to think things out but obviously he had alternative plans.

Now am divorced; not wanted to be, but when the marriage is crowded with another woman you don't stand a chance. You don't need a degree to guess where my ex carried on working and how he had already met his 'friend'?

I have had the biggest wake up call in life and have become a strong independent woman. I enjoy my work now and have two fantastic children - I have reaped the benefits of steering them through the hell that has been thrown at them.
For myself? No won't go through the trusting making friends with a man again. Didn't see the split in my marriage coming! Am happy being my own boss and making my own mistakes.

All I can say is get yoursel friends and into the expat group Get busy and you'll begin to see more clearly whats happening.
Ironically after me leaving Italy my ex made friends with all my expat friends, and joined all my groups. I couldn't believe it as I was made to feel as though I was a totally dull person!
As I was living abroad I even spoke with my solicitor to have on record what was happening.
Like you once initially we had the choice of moving again when we were first abroad but decided to take the choice to come home as the schooling was a problem for my 13yrs old.

The divorce was very hard although we both had UK solicitors, dealing with foreign pensions etc meant it was a more protracted process.

I would be very cautious if I were you, keep the lines of communication open for as long as you can. I couldn't as my ex just shut down and was adament he wanted out. Nothing not even his children changed his mind, when that happens just walk away with dignity and respect.

Good luck, sorry if I've rambled! You can always pm me.

Thanks again everyone for all the messages of support.

My husband came to the apartment today to get some things and I've just known there was something he wasn't telling me and this was enhanced even more by reading your posts. I questioned him about there being someone else and he denied but I kept pushing and he admitted it, finally. He said there wasn't anything going on but after even more pushing he admitted that he has cheated on me. I can't tell you how angry I have felt today. He has always been adamant he wouldn't cheat because this is how his parents split up but to be honest I'm more upset at the fact that he has looked me straight in the eye and lie to me.

I've spoken to him a few more times on the phone today and he is just constantly crying and is worried sick I am going to ruin his career and this woman's as I also know the woman (it is someone he works with - not the person he says he's staying at) and have worked on a contract at his place of work and am really well liked by the people there. What type of person does he think I am. I am very angry at the moment but that's to be expected and when I calm down would like to remain friends with him - after all we have almost a decade of friendship behind us. It's just very hurtful that her and his career are first and foremost in his mind.

So, I have counselling booked (he still refuses to come but I don't care - now I know why) and have brought a big notepad and am going to put down some thoughts on what I want out of life. I'm not going to make any big or rash decisions yet but I think just getting them down on paper will make a big difference.

Thanks again everyone

I think you are being far to reasonable for your own good. Look out for yourself and not him and his woman. Get angry, look after yourself first and sod being his friend. That will never happen in a month of Sundays.

So sorry to hear of your situation Redpen, I know you say you are angry but you really need to get more angry .... This man has cheated on you and he is worried that you might hurt his and the womans career i mean seriously what an a**hole!!!
No matter who you are you are worth more than that - hold your head up high tell him to kiss your ass and STOP phoning him. At this moment in time he is only having contact with you to make sure you dont interfere with his career, he is playing it safe and trying to keep you sweet.
Id pack the rest of his stuff up and make one last call telling him he better come get it or it will be out with the next garbage collection.

I know this may sound harsh but as long as he can test the water with his new woman and has you clinging inthe background just incase things dont work out he is having his cake and eating it. Force him into a decision by making it for him - its alittle more scary out there when you dont have your good ole safety net in the background waiting for you.

You say you want to be friends due to the years of friendship - well he crapped all over that friendship when he lied and cheated. Dont get me wrong, im not saying he should have stayed with you if he didnt want to and im not slating him for moving on - im slating him for disrespecting YOU and the time youhave spent together by his lies and deciet. He should have been honest fromt he begining no matter how he thought it may hurt you. Unless again, he was not telling you for his own selfish reasons, ie/ if it doesnt work out with the other woman, he is leaving his doorway to walk right back in.

Sorry if I sound harsh and a bit mean - but its a huge annoyance of mine. I have always lived by the philosophy that if someone cheats they arent worth it anyway and im wayyy better off without no matter what. You dont treat someone you respect in that way - so he deserves nothing from you. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe the crap off your shoe and move on