For those of you who don't know, Kay is a fanastic, funny and innovative comedian.
This lot cheered me up no end.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
>'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
>
>You know that look women get when they want sex?
>No?
>Me neither.
>
>I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid
>problem?'
>
>
>When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one
>and asked him to forgive me.
>
>

>Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and
>sold the engine?
>
>
>I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
>swimming.
>
>
>I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
>with my real ladder.
>
>
>I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
>So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
>
>
>A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
>Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
>
>
>Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
>But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
>break my bones but names will never hurt me', and
>it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
>
>
>My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
>got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
>
>If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
>
>
>I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
>the wrong answers.
>
>
>Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they
>don't understand, such as working for a living.
>
>
>I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
>
>
>Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
>forgotten this before.
>
>
>I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Cheese cake? Cheese-Cake?

Garlic bread....

Its the future.

I've tasted it.

LMAO

Peter Kay's humour is only something a Brit would get. I just read them out to my Canadian husband and they all went over the top of his head!!!lol

But I'm Canadian and I love him!
OK I have been in the UK for 20 years so maybe that has something to do with it.

Have you heard of Rodney Dangerfield (Brits I know hadn't)? You might want to look him up if you haven't - you might like his stuff as well. Here are my favourite Dangerfield lines -

My girlfriend phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." So I went over. Nobody was home.

I'm so ugly my proctologist sticks his finger in my mouth.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

I didn't get any sleep last night. Two girls were beating on my hotel room door. I finally got up and let them out.

Yesterday it was my kid's birthday. I gave him a BB gun.
For Father's Day he gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

And my wife, she's no chef either. Last summer the flies in the backyard pitched in to fix the hole in the screen door.

Some guys are breast men. Some guys are legs men. Some guys are ass men. I'm an ass man because people keep telling me, 'You're an ass, man'

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father: I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm so ugly, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion". He said, "Alright, you're ugly too."

Definately something to do with that!!lol. My husband was over there for 3 years but there were a load of Canadian submariners together so they never quite had the chance to get into it. He still looks at me at times with a blank face...or is that because we are out of the honeymoon period???

PETER KAY.......

"They call them the Belgrano sisters because of the amount of Sailers that have gone down on them...."

KJT

Took the whole family out for a meal. I tried to impress them all by ordering the food in French.
Problem was it was a Chinese restaurant.