Originally Posted by helcat12

I must admit that there has been a bit of a change since this all began.
We went up there when my OH left and it was all very jolly and nice - all got together, had a meal and I felt they really supported what he was doing.

As I have been alone for longer and struggling with things like decorating and packing up our stuff to ship, my Mum has contacted me by Skype more than before but whenever I suggest seeing her she is very reluctant indeed.
My sister hasn't telephoned/skyped at all unless my Mum has been there.
She has come to see me once, but to bring my mum, not alone.

I just do not know what to make of it.
My mum has a brother in Canada and so she knows what it is like to have family abroad. I would have thought she would be able to show some affection for me in my last few days here.
Going to the airport alone is especially hurtful - maybe that is just me being sentimental

I am actually more upset than I thought I would be by this but then you never know what you are going to feel until the time comes, I suppose.

Everyone's comments have been very helpful and have offered me some perspective on this so thank you all very much indeed for being so kind and candid.

When I get to my husband and cats again everything will be alright.

Originally Posted by helcat12

I may be opening myself to lots of negative/ critical/sarcastic comments here, but I hope there will be some genuine ones, too.

I am due to fly to reunite with my husband after 13 months of him living and working in Canada through our PR process and only now am I able to go to be with him permanently.
I booked the flight last month.
Just so you know none of this should have come as any surprise to my family at all.

I am shocked and upset to find that my Mum and my sister seem completely unconcerned about seeing me prior to my leaving date. (My Dad died many years ago.)
I had made arrangements to go up to see them for a couple of days just before I fly and had even held off selling my car to allow me to do this, but they do not seem at all bothered.

Although there are 4 people who could drive me to the airport from her house, which my Mum originally said would be no problem, she is now saying I will need to get a taxi.
She is not even coming to see me off at the airport.
(It is not taxi fare I am moaning about, I hope you understand. I could just as easily sell my car here and get a taxi to Manchester and save myself a very long drive to my Mum's if I wasn't bothered about seeing her.)

My mum is also wanting me to take to her my flatscreen TV and a load of other things that I was going to sell but I offered them to her first and didn't mention selling them (even though we could do with every penny after keeping two households going for the last year).

So, I have been generous with my stuff and assumed that they would want to see me off and I am very willing to make the time and travel to see them (even though I am coping with clearing the house finally all on my own, which isn't easy) but now I wonder why I am bothering.
I do not know when I will be back and so my family do not know when they will see me again but they just don't seem to care at all.

I even asked my Mum if she would like to come and spend a few days with me and help me sort out my cupboards and stuff, but she told me she is looking after a neighbour's dog and so she can't.

I suppose it would be funny that I as her daughter come second to a neighbour's dog if it wasn't so sad for me.
We have never been especially close but I had thought that my leaving might generate some emotion in them as it has in me, but it seems not.

To put this in context, my husband's family all travelled from various parts of the country to ours when he came back over at Easter for a lovely family meal to celebrate together. He and his family have never been close, either, but it seems that they have been moved to draw closer to him through this struggle and it has been very good to see that. It has brought him a lot of pleasure (and me also) to see him develop a closer relationship with his parents especially.

I am considering not going to see my family now - not to be spiteful but because I think if they seem totally unconcerned when I am leaving it will hurt me a lot and in the end if they don't care, seeing that I am hurt won't achieve anything.
And no-one needs to put themselves through unnecessary hurt, do they?
I certainly don't want to after the year I have already had.

Comments from others who have perhaps experienced this or some thoughts on what I could do would be very welcome.

Originally Posted by christmasoompa

I know that when we went my mother (who I am incredibly close to, she's one of my best friends and I speak to her every day) just changed the subject every time I mentioned moving or anything to do with it. She did this right up until when we went and freely admitted afterwards that she just couldn't deal with it, so basically pretended it wasn't happening. Maybe yours are doing the same?

Originally Posted by ninaDGBCA

I feel for you, honestly.

Maybe just ask your relatives directly if they don't give a sh** or why they seem to ignore the fact that you'll fly some 1000 miles away and might not see you for a while.
You might not get the answers you hope for but at least you'll know the truth and won't make assumptions anymore.

Ask your mum and sis what the problem is, their answer might surprise you, then either go and see them or just meet some good friends and have a nice leaving get together.

Originally Posted by MillieF

Oh Hellcat, how I feel for you. I think friends and family can take one's departure as a bit of a threat actually - it sort of turns the spotlight onto the fact that they have possibly moaned about life non stop for years' but have done zero to change their situation. Are you perhaps feeling a bit more fragile than usual too, because of the lack of your husband and all the strain that you have been put under? My husband is Never here, OK he's a pilot, but is Always somewhere else when we move house, or have a family crisis, and I know will make himself very scarce for the move to Canada. Odd thing is I don't 'need' him much for anything practical, as I have got so used to sorting things out for myself, but I really rely on him to tell of my fears and fancies to - when I can tell him of the stupidities of the day and we can laugh about it, it makes all the troubles go away. When I went to the West Bank, years back, my mother refused to speak to me or say goodbye, and wouldn't respond to my letters - when I came home a year later, it was too late, as she had died. Of course I regret it, but what can one do? You DO have Skype, and that will make a difference to you both. Try to take a bit of time for a spot of 'you' time - go to your local swimming pool, or take and extra long green walk, just something to give yourself a bit of down time for an hour or so, don't JUST get caught up in your things to do list. You can't DO anything to make people treat you nicely, but you can stop yourself from feeling hurt by their actions. Very best of luck!

Originally Posted by Alberta_Rose

Hi Helcat,

You've had some great replies on here, so much of what I might say has already been said.

I do think that this apparent withdrawl from you could well be a defence mechanism/denial thing. I do agree that if you don't go to see them, you (and they) will probably be more hurt than either of you could probably imagine and it could take a long time to heal.

So I think you should go see them and say your goodbyes. Try not to guilt-trip them by asking why they don't seem to care, but do what you have to do for yourself, and let them take care of their own feelings without giving further cause for blame.

On the day of parting it'd be nice to have company, for sure, but then again, if you go on your own, you have only your own emotions to deal with. Is there a friend who would take you, maybe somebody who's not quite so emotionally involved and can be practical, pragmatic and helpful?

Originally Posted by Alberta_Rose

Hi Helcat,

You've had some great replies on here, so much of what I might say has already been said.

I do think that this apparent withdrawl from you could well be a defence mechanism/denial thing. I do agree that if you don't go to see them, you (and they) will probably be more hurt than either of you could probably imagine and it could take a long time to heal.

So I think you should go see them and say your goodbyes. Try not to guilt-trip them by asking why they don't seem to care, but do what you have to do for yourself, and let them take care of their own feelings without giving further cause for blame.

On the day of parting it'd be nice to have company, for sure, but then again, if you go on your own, you have only your own emotions to deal with. Is there a friend who would take you, maybe somebody who's not quite so emotionally involved and can be practical, pragmatic and helpful?

Originally Posted by Geordie Lass

I agree wholeheartedly with everything in this reply. Esp about going to see them. If you do - you can walk away with whatever consequences with your head held high knowing you did your best.

I agree with maybe taking a friend to see you off - you know a no-nonsense friend that can really help you with your fears and jee you up - not someone who will cry and cry at the airport with you. That's what I would do anyway!

Hang in there... you will be with your hubby soon It's bitterly disappointing when family act like this but you're soon to be reunited with the most important member of your family...

xx