ladymoose

I think sometimes that family gives us a tough time because they see decisions to emmigrate as a rejection of them - and the country that they did ok in!

By that I mean that it doesn't matter how many times you tell them that you are moving for the opportunities in Canada (whether job, house or for the kids etc) and that you are making the decision for those reasons alone, what they actually "hear" is that you want to get away from them and their way of living

In some ways they are choosing to be the victim - I don't know whether this is a defense mechanism, putting their head in the sand in the hope that it will go away, or being just plain pains in the butt.

But whatever the reason, try to see it as their problem. Perhaps make a final statement of the reasons you are going (I actually think writing in down is a good idea - because it can't degenerate into a slanging match), ensuring that you put down that you still love them (the move is nothing to do with getting away from them!) and would be thrilled to see them in Canada for visits, that you will keep in touch, give them the options to keep in touch with you (email, phone calls, video, webcam etc etc ie keep the door open to them) - but that you are going (give them a date if you know) - end of story - no longer up for debate. Then stick to it. Refuse to have further conversations about it unless they are genuinely interested in your plans and will not criticise.

You cannot make them understand if they choose not to - and you cannot make them be excited for you - it doesn't matter what you say. It's a real shame if they don't come round in time to see you off - or they ruin the remaining time you have left with them here (especially if they are like it with the grandkids too - as my mother was ) but that is their choice.

I know this appears harsh but their actions towards you are equally harsh (if not worse) and you have enough to worry about at present without them adding to it.

Good luck - I hope it resolves itself before you leave.

karla03

My parents are not scared to get on a plane, I think lyndons parents are.

maddhobs

Hi Karla, when we told my parents we were applying to emigrate they said they were were shocked but understood our decision. My sister emigrated to Canada in 1988 and they could see the good life she has. On the other hand both their children could now be living abroad. As our application went further down the line though my mum would say that she would miss us, would prefer us not to go etc while my dad would say that he couldn't blame us and could see the advantages while at the same time made sniping comments. We were one of the families filmed for "The Emigrate Challenge" DVD and what was interesting was that when we filmed a scene where we spoke as a family about our emigration and what my parents thought, my mum was willing to participate and spoke freely on her thoughts, whereas my dad refused to do it, actually left the house while we filmed and didn't want to be involved once in the DVD. Our wanting to emigrate caused a few heated exchanges throughout the application but when we finally received our visas and called them to tell them their responses changed. They were more supportive, helped us out getting ready to move and overall became pleased for us. It was as though they thought that now it is real not just a possibility. We have been here now 3 years and they have visited us twice and have now applied to emigrate themselves. They can see the benefits for us and the better standard of living we have here and the greater opprtunities for our children.
I have had one moment of guilt where 18 months after emigrating my dad was diagnosed with Prostrate Cancer. He had surgery to remove the prostrate and is now clear but it was the fact that I no longer lived 15 minutes away to go and see him.
On a slightly different note we had lots of friends who knew we were emigrating and we are still in contact with most of them. The funny thing is our closest friends are the ones who have distanced themselves the most because we left them behind and moved on.
I hope that things work out for you and good luck!

karla03

Thank you all for your advice and I just hope that my parents do come round.

I'll let you know what happens in the near future.

Karla x x x x

Purley

I doubt that being afraid of flying is actually a phobia. Lots of people are scared of things. I used to be scared of going up a ladder. Then one day I needed to go up a ladder for some reason. I made myself go up. Once I got to the top of the ladder and did what I needed to do, I discovered that it wasn't as scary as I had thought it was. Now, it doesn't bother me.

There are lots of things like that - I was leery of using a chainsaw and a hedge clipper. But I figured that if other people could do these things, then so could I.

DestinationBC

Hello Karla!

I hope things sort themselves out soon for you - these things normally do. Some people have such difficulty with change - I love change and embrace it- and I know it drives some other people crazy.

My mum would have been the same had it not been for the fact that my parents up and left and emigrated and my mum's dad did not speak to her for ages after they announced they were leaving. I know that my mum is screaming inside wanting us not to go but knows that it is our life to live.

What I fiind interesting is that it is usually the woman's family who gives the most grief. I wonder why that is??!!

The Smiths

Try and put yourself in your Mum's position and ask yourself how you might feel if your child decided to move back to the UK with your only grandchildren one day?

I'm not defending your Mum's behaviour but surely you can't be surprised that she isn't taking the news well?

Batfink

Please don't hate me for saying this but maybe you should be thankful that you're loved and cherished so much that you family don't want to be without you.

I don't have a mum and my family is not close at all. However, if it was my son emmigrating i'd like to think that i could be supportive and wish them all the very best luck in the world (oh and free holidays to Canada - woo hoo!!!)

PS: you can all swear at me now

PPS; All the very best luck in the world to you all

Member123

Batfink -I think you are to be applauded for having the courage to say this. My Mums only sister also said this to me, that it was because I was such a nice person that everyone was going to miss me and wouldnt it be worse if she couldnt wait to see the back of me. This sort of put things in perspective for me and has made me look on it from her point of view more. Although it is very difficult not to react to some of the things she says which are very hurtful and not true.

Batfink

The big difference for me is, i would not want to be hurtful to anyone, let alone a member of my own family. That said, it's easy for me to say that, when emotions run high there's little you can do to stop them. Read between the lines - when they say you're being selfish, why are you going blah blah blah what they really mean is i love you and i'll miss you!!!

I was so worried that people were going to hate me for being blunt

Alberta_Rose

I don't think most people would come down on you for what you said BF, but it doesn't change the fact that it is the "reactors" who have the problem, and only THEY can do something about it.

What if one gave in to the emotional blackmail, cancelled plans to go etc?

That would most likely sour a relationship forever anyway (as we have seen with certain other posters here already). Cos then you have the Hurt that the original hurting person feels re the perceived original rejection, together with the knowledge that they have probably held their loved one back in their future, so throw in a handful of guilt there.

Then the would-be emigrant is likely to have (at least from time to time) regrets over what they gave up, so the possibility of resentment from that end too.

It's a recipe for unhappiness IMHO. Sorry that was not the most fluent post I've ever made on here, but I can't today think of a better way to express it!

Batfink

I do understand that sour grapes can ruin a relationship and i'm so glad i'm not in that situation, but at the end of the day someone has to be the bigger person and swallow the pride, hurt etc.

Again, i'd like to stress big love and happy thoughts to all!!!!!!!!

steve666

Grandchildren...

Kabel

aviatophobia or aviophobia - fear of air travel.

I don't think you can really belittle someone's fear just because you think that they should have confronted them or grown out of them.

Kabel

Edna Bucket

There is a difference between a fear and a phobia. A fear can make you unhappy about doing something but still able to see it through. A phobia is quite crippling and if left untreated can generalise until it makes you unable to do a lot of other things as well.

Sorry for going off topic!