Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Hi All,

Just wanted to update eveyone on how things are going since my last update.
I have now been in Toronto coming upto 3years, have been working at the same company for 2 years, my kids go into a nice, local school... BUT.. I still can't get used to life here! I'm trying really hard but really miss home.
We went back for a visit in July for a family wedding. Then Seeing everyone and having a great time just reminded me of what I was missing, and what I had left behind.

My husband prefers the lifestyle here and has said he would'nt want to move back, my kids are 5 & 7 and they like it here aswell, but for me... I don't know if I could ever make this my home from my heart. I've tried, and tried, but something just keeps pulling me back. We have no family here, so it gets very lonley at times.

How do I make this home? I know things are'nt great back in England but it's not all that bad is it?????

Just need to pick me up.. to get on with things are make a real go of my life here.

I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling, and what better than to share it with people in the same boat.

Thanks.
Jinn

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

IMO, if you feel like that now, I doubt you'll ever really feel settled. You might be able to endure it, but is that a life? You probably miss having girlfriends to go out with and have a laugh and a joke. Then there's Sunday lunches and all the family milestones you will miss out on. And as the years drag on you won't even be really part of your family, you'll simply be the one who lives in Canada. :( Some people like that and love it here though. :thumbup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Welcome to the life of an immigrant......

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Yes, it's a harsh lesson to learn that England is absolutely fine and people have a good life there.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

On the other hand you cant expect to replace a lifetimes worth of friends in a few years, so in that respect it does get better with time.

Replacing family is a big ask though, if you are close to family then emigrating is going to be a big wrench.

I dont know how much effort the OP has made into getting out there and connecting with the locals, but to make friends here you have to be the outgoing one I think. No use moping around, either plan to go back to the UK, or get out there and make the best of what you have here.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Everyone who's done or doing this crazy move has gone through this.

I have a view on the whole family thing...

You have kids, as do we.

Soon, your kids will start making friends and forming relationships. That may lead on to marriage and children.

You will get to know their partners families and friends.

This group will be your new family :)

You need to think about everyone's future, not just your own. Think positive and you'll start to see things in a different light.

All this from a Canadian Wannabe sitting in a semi in Glasgow :rofl:

If/when we make the move, I'll update this post without the bolloks :thumbsup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

this isnt for everyone and you have been here for 3 years. Personally I cant imagine going back but we all have very different reasons for moving and very different feelings about doing it. I think you need to follow your heart, life is just too short to exist.
Good luck

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

If your husband and your kids are against the move back, you have no choice but to start controlling your thoughts (either that or drive your family against their will back to the UK or worse still divorce). Homesickness is completely in the mind, and if you allow it to dominate every thought, then you will be forever unhappy here. You need to take control of the negative thoughts and get out of the mental rut which will cause you to see only negative things here.

Every time you become conscious of the fact that you are dwelling on thoughts of home, try this simple technique (quoted in about a billion self-help books). Acknowledge the thought, don't judge it as good or bad, but say something to yourself like - that's interesting but not for me, and dismiss it. Let's face it you can control what you think. If a thought like "I'd like to smash my neighbours head in" comes into your mind because they did something irritating, you don't dwell on it because it's not something that you could do in reality, instead you dismiss it. The same goes for less obviously bad thoughts, but in your case, potentially very distructive.

Once you are conscious of the thought...monentarily looking at yourself thinking the thought...and once you have "dismissed" it, think about something here that makes you happy...seeing your kids enjoying the outdoors, or your husband doing whatever he does that he likes here, or something that you do that you can't do back home. Also, try to engage in positive activities that are uplifting, ideally with others...sports, music, faith groups, hiking, painting, photography, cycling, cross country skiing etc etc.

Ultimately you can choose to be happy here by choosing what thoughts reside in your mind. Also, really engage with all the great things that canada has to offer, and avoid people on this forum who are negative...you might think they are comforting you, but in reality they are reinforcing your negative cycle of thinking.

Finally, paint a picture of a realistic future in your mind that is based here. It may be Christmas with your kids, and one day grand kids, in a home big enough to fit them all. It could be in the summer, or thanksgiving...but a picture that is not possible at home. regulalry picture your future family, and it being a wonderful new beginning for your branch of the family, and focus on that future.

I hope you find happiness :thumbup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

You are Kwai Chang Caine.... I claim my $5.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

You are learning grasshopper

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I think it also helps to differntiate between the experience of short visits/vacations versus real life. In much the same way as people are shocked by initial migration. Usually peoples first experience of the new place, Canada in this case, is a vacation experience. You spend a lot of time relaxing, enjoying what the location has to offer in terms of lifestyle etc. then you compare it to your 'real life' back in the UK which seems very full of work and stress and Canada (or wherever) seems so big and laid back etc. but when you move there and you have to get a job, and work every day and commute and pay bills etc. you realize it isn't really that much different.
A similar thing happens, I think, in reverse when you go back to visit after a while. I'm going back to visit family on Saturday for a few weeks and haven't been for a few years and again you are entering a vacation type experience, different from the reality of living there. You have lots of free time, you visit with family and friends and go to places with nostalgic associations etc. No work etc. you relax and think hey it wasn't so bad here after all, sat in the beer garden of a country pub, compared to an hour on the 401 in a blizzard.
However, if you moved back that is not how it would be. First you need to find jobs, can you guarantee they will be so close to family that you can visit all the time, if you still want to once the 'homesickness' wears off. Even if you live in a city not too far away you then get everyday life, work and commitments, you still only visit on holidays, odd weekends. Sure more than when you were in Canada but still, beyond a certain distance the time and hassle of driving multiple hours for a visit versus other commitments etc. means you never visit as often as you think you will.
Maybe you can get back in touch with old friends but friends also tend to change, move on. You don't want to move back, another transatlantic relocation, and then find 3 months alter your friends have decided to go to Australia and your parents are downsizing to a small place on the south coast etc.
All I am saying is you need to be sure of what it is you think you miss about a place. If it is family connections then yes it is hard but a reality that families don't often all live in one location. Friends is hard too but unless you want to be room mates and follow each other around forever it is again something that changes over time.
It is easy to yearn for idalized versions of things.
If on the other hand the life you have created now is not what you wanted, you don't like your job, or the town/city you are living in, you don't like the people or culture or way of life then that is different. You can't change those things without moving, but do you need to move back to the UK, or just move to a different town, city, street, job etc. What was it that made you want to move in the first place?
The driving ideal behind most migration is the desire to start from scratch and build something, which is hard and requires effort to create from nothing or very little (or maybe more if you come with a large wad of cash rather than $100 in your pocket) but it is a drive for something new, a re-invention. The desire to recreate what you have left is an oddly common theme, I think maybe understandable if you left because you had no choice (e.g. war, famine, persecution, poverty etc.) and didn't really want to recreate yourself.

anyway I digress and I have to make dinner so I don't know, take from that idle thought what you will.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

You are powerless over others - Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Excellent post. Your point about how much you see relatives in the UK vs from here is a good one...if you live more than 2 hours away, it won't be much more than 2-3 times a year, and then for a weekend rather than a week.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Does sound like you had a strong relationship with family and friends in Britain, which makes it worse. What is it about life in Canada that you can't get used to? Is it not having family around or something more?

If you're all feeling the same then I wouldn't hesitate in saying go back, but it seems that your family is doing ok, and you're at least in work. If you go back your OH will quickly find reasons to not like it there and who knows. I don't think Britain is as bad as people make out though. Would definitely consider moving at any time, but I wouldn't (and haven't) at the first sign of trouble. Moving back has to be planned like moving here, even though it's probably a lot easier (and 3 years isn't so long).

I think the fact you're employed makes a big difference, assuming it's meaningfully employed. This is a mighty lonely place if you're not. Same goes for Britain though, you'd have to be sure you would walk quickly into employment, and nowadays that's really uncertain there. GL!

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

i agree 100% with wizzard, its the time-capsule of happiness that you are comparing to your every day life. maybe try and remember why you moved to canada in the first place?

i see my mum ( who lives 3 miles away) 4 or 5 times a week, most weekdays to be frank, and it will be horrible to leave her knowing i wont see her again for at least a year, but the pull of getting out of this country and getting into the life we want to lead is stronger at the moment. im not saying that i wont miss my family, i will desperately miss them, it may be too much to bear, but im willing to risk my whole family's future ( family here meaning my hubby and my kids) on going. it may be a mistake and in 3 years i may feel like you do and want to come back, but having gone thru so much to get to canada, i hope i can make a life out there.

i hope you find a way to be happy.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

It's interesting how emigration affects the relationships and dynamics within the extended family.

For example, the main reason we came to Canada was to get a really nice big house, but in doing so inadvertently alienated ourselves from my family back home. An unforeseen consequence of this will be that now,when my infirm and elderly parents croak, my creepy "I'll take you shopping Mum", "I'll drive you to your hospital appointment Dad" sister will no doubt swoop in like the vulture she is and inherit their not insubstantial estate.

Then, before you know it, she'll go and buy herself a nicer, bigger house than the one we had to come all the way out here to get.

Some days I really wonder why we bothered.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Can't you see what you sound like?

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

If your sister is there for your parents in their final years and you essentially (they believe) abandoned them, then why shouldn't she inherit their not insubstantial estate. It seems perfectly correct to me.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I agree. After all, as you say, you have the really nice big house that you came all that way to get.
Sounds to me like you achieved what was your goal. The swanky house ! At least you didn't "come for the kids".
As the other poster said, "What do you sound like" !
Every family needs a vulture to keep things interesting. If it bothers you so much why not buy an even bigger one now, just to show your sister, "the vulture", who can be the big-shot. Go for something really impressive, even OTT, that you know she won't ever be able to match. "That'll larn 'er" as they say.
Also maybe you could encourage your parents to squander their "not insubstantial estate" on themselves as quickly as they can so that there won't be anything left when they expire. That would take the wind from beneath the wings of the vulture. Problem solved. ;)

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

That's also assuming that the will has been changed because of the 'vulture' helping the parents out in the later years - something surely you would have been informed of when it happened given any reasonable family.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

excellent post.

I went back to the UK about 4 years ago for almost 2 months. Personally I found that nostalgia fades very fast after a fish supper, few trips to the pub and of course a rubby or two.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

After reading a few of your posts, I have concluded that you have some serious issues, but then you did move to Edmonton.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

There's no problem getting a rubby in Toronto. I'm surprised you go in for that sort of thing.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I'll bet there are several posters in this very thread who will profess to miss the British sense of humour. :lol:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I now see my parents and my father-in-law far more living here than we ever did in the UK.

I would have loved to live in Suffolk where I grew up but there are no jobs paying anywhere near what we would need to be able to afford to buy there. We were, as such drawn to London to get established in careers after University, visiting my father-in-law for a couple of hours a month on a Sunday afternoon or travelling to my parents at Easter, a couple of bank holidays and Christmas. I reckon a total of 15 days a year to see my parents and 5 days (max) to see my father-in-law.

Already this year I've spent 6 weeks with my folks, 3 days with my father-in-law and we are flying him out next month for 3 weeks.

Distance is distance, no matter where you live, but then my family has never stayed put so no-one was surprised when we said we were moving here.

We know we spend more now visiting and are aware that should a parent fall sick we'll be on that plane to help and as such need to keep funds for emergencies but I'm glad we're here. I wanted to come here for adventure, not because I hated the UK, although it has aspects that wind me up but so does Canada.

Missing things that are familiar is par for the course, but then I also know several Canadians who are the same as us with no family close by. We make them our family and look out for oneanother, supporting in times of sadness and celebrating with them accomplishments, not only for them but their children. We get to know all their parents as we visit when they are staying and you learn to be grateful for your parents and in-laws when you meet some of them!!

At the end of the day no-one can make you happy but you. Family, friends, your location & job factor in but at the end of the day it is down to you and you have control over that.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

For me it’s dead simple..

For some people the move to another country works and delivers to their expectations, and for others it doesn’t!

The problems arise when both these conditions occur in the same family.
If the family is to remain intact one party must give way..

I suggest to try to establish for the group what the least worse scenario is, and then work towards it..

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Good point. I'm sure the OP's husband would soon get fed up of living in frigid Canada and would soon be willing to move back to more compatible climes.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

i was exited to find a very good one here, but last week I went and it was crap....others tend to be the same old same old, okay but nothing special. my stomach thanks me for not indulging in such things these days:thumbdown:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Actually that's one of the things I don't miss.

The unending bantering sarcasm and the self-satisfied 'I'm wittier than you' contests. It all gets a bit tiresome after a while.

That's why I like the Germans. A very earnest people.

Canada is pretty good for earnestness too.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Wizard and The Bear - you are genius and ought to do self-help talks for a living:thumbsup:

I would reinforce everything you have said.

When considering immigration and then going through it, it is important to take a step back from your emotions and look at the reality.

You will feel lonely, you will feel at a bit of a loss and you will miss things and people about the UK.
FACT.

Prepare yourself for that and then accept it is happening as a natural process and part of the readjustment.
Just because it is three years now doesn't mean that you will never feel better - people respond at different times and for different lengths of time.

Don't be disturbed by the fact that your children and husband have embraced Canada leaving just you alone. Children always adapt very quickly, even if they HATE the place to begin with and kick up the worst fuss about leaving:eek:.
Your husband has a job he is happy with and that is a major part of his satisfaction with life there. Not meaning to be sexist, but there are general differences between the way men and women tend to respond to these moves and it is often the woman who feels the "homesickness" more.

Ignore the gainsayers and get positive, like Bear and Wizzard say.

Stop looking back and look forward.
Stop looking at the happiness of your husband and children from the outside and go join them in it.
The alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Blimey.
Is this post for real or deep sarcasm?
I hope it is the latter:unsure:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Excellent post:thumbsup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I like this one :thumbup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

We emigrated to Alberta in 2006.. I loved it but it was too much of a culture shock for us, I came home in 2009 when my Brother passed away and after returning to Canada I never really settled again.. I missed my family and 'Britishness'.. Trees/Ocean certain food etc.. My hubby never wanted to come home, and fought me every time I mentioned it, but he could see how much I wanted to so we moved back to the UK in December 2010.. We are now in the throws of making the move back to Canada as what I thought I had missed for nearly 5 years was in deed a case of 'when you can't have something you miss it'.. we have simply out grown the British way of life.. we were told not to come back by everyone, even the family members that really missed us! and it is only having spent the last 8 months home that we realize how right they were! England hasn't changed.. we have!.. we prefer the laid back way of Canadian life.. not having to worry about leaving your Bbq or kids toys in your front/back yard.. I freak every time the kids go near the road, cos in Canada they would have the right of way and that's the way they were brought up!.. The kids are having a hard time at school too.. British kids are so mean and down right rude, some of the language that comes out of a 5-8yr olds mouths is appalling!.. and the kids keep asking about moving back. I realize how selfish I was to make them move, and in hindsight would have stayed, but the feelings were so strong I couldn't see any other way round it.
We don't live far from family now, but due to everyone's life style/work etc we really don't see them that often.
So with all that said we now have to wait until we can afford to move back which will be around spring 2012.. and this time we will be moving to NS (which is where we originally wanted to emigrate but couldn't find jobs) it is much more like England and at least I will be near the sea which I missed terribly in the Prairies.. Regardless of anyone else's judgement or opinions on your decision only you can do what you feel is right for you, I know now that I made a huge mistake, and we as a family are paying for that.. But I had to do it to realize what we really did have, and what we really don't have or will never have in the UK.. I can go back to Canada knowing that England will always be the place I was born, and I am proud to be British(to an extent).. but Canada felt like home, we were made very welcome and it's the Country I want to bring my children up, and grow old in!..

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I can see that living in Derbyshire epitomizes living by the ocean. I hope you find whatever you are looking for and I hope the employment situation has improved in NS:D

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

I never said I lived 'right on the ocean' ..But we are only a few hours drive away when I need a 'fix'.. in the prairies we were days away, so couldn't just 'pop' off for a daytrip when the need arose!.. We have employment sorted just need to save to pay for the return trip.. but thanks for your concern :thumbup:

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Don't expect it to be any easier second time round..

There is a real risk of ending up "Mid Atlantic" knowing both countries pluses and minuses and always missing part of the country you’re not living in

Its the reality of discovering alternatives

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Life's not a rehearsal you know.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Not everyone has a "glass half empty" mindset, you know.
Being unhappy with what you have got and always yearning for something you think is better is a sure-fire way to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

I cannot understand that attitude - it is deeply immature and shallow
.
Life moves on and each new day and new experience will bring some losses and some gains but no situation is perfect.
When you are married, do you miss being single?
When you have children, do you miss not having them?

If you cannot make a decision and then be happy with it because you are always hankering after the things you haven't got then you have doomed yourself to a life of misery and not only yourself, but quite probably those close to you as well.

Time to start appreciating the good things in the life you have before they are destroyed by greed and dissatisfaction.

Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......
 

Nice piece of philosophy but waaay off the mark..

When you are married, yes you do miss some of the benefits of being single..
When my children are driving me nuts I wonder if it’s all worth it…

However you cannot physicaly move one country into another!

It will be very real to have key things that you like about a place that you will miss, that you will not find in another place, the more you travel and live in different places the more this will occur, knowing this and understanding this does not correlate with unhappiness, but it does help you make choices, and it will help you understand when perception is getting in the way of reality.

The glass contains an equal mixture of water and air, it is neither completely one or the other, nor can you pretend it to be anything else..
Interestingly the glass contains equal volumes of life’s essential ingredients

And don’t forget one of the biggest drivers for success and happiness (and emigrating) is not settling short but for working for “something you think is better” and if you didn’t ’yearn’ for it why would you even set out to get it.. To see it as greed and dissatisfaction is very one sided, it can be seen as progress, self improvement, striving for a better life..

To further quote
If you have this attitude why emigrate??