Hiya all

We are currently starting the immigration process of moving to Penticton, BC. And are very excited (and nervous) about the whole adventures. We have recently had our first child (a little girl) and have been putting much thought into our future life. My husband has spent many summers working there and has been offered a job.

Anyways i'm feeling a very overwhelming feeling that we are being selfish. I feel terribly bad that my parents and my husbands parents wont see their grandchild often. They would visit but obviously couldn't afford to do it too often. I know you don't live your life for other people but i feel woried about this. Has anyone else felt like this?

Becky

Hi Becky

I completely understand how you feel. We moved to Cochrane near Alberta almost two years ago and my mum in particular found our decision very hard to come to terms with. It made it very hard at times for me, particularly as I had lost my dad about a year before we came over so I had all the usual guilt feelings too. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't mention our plans in front of her because I knew it would upset her and I felt she only ever had negative things to say about it. I do have a brother and sister back home in the UK who don't live too far from my mum and are very good to her but it was still a difficult thing to have to do.

Anyway, as I said, we have been here getting on for two years now and we love it loads and have no regrets. My mum came and spent three weeks with us last summer and is currently here again on her second visit. Once she had been to see us here and saw what our life is like here, it really put her mind at rest and she says she completely understands now why we wanted to do it. We have two children and she can see what a wonderful life they now have. I know she still finds it hard with us living so far away now but we speak on the phone most weeks and when she visits my brother or sister, we usually catch up on Skype too.

As hard as it can be, you have to put you, your husband and your daughter's future first and do what is right for yourselves. There's never a good time to move. There's always something that can hold you back if you let it. Have you spoken to your parents and in-laws about how they feel?

Anyway, I wish you well with it all. Good luck.

Hiya
Thank you for sharing your experience. I guess it's just a natural feeling. When we told our parents about our decision they all just said "well you gotta do what you feel right for your family" but it was through very gritted teeth.

I would like to think that they would be much more on board once they come and see it for themselves. My husbands parents are planning on coming with us when we arrive and staying for the first 3 weeks which hopefully will help. Like you, it's my mum i'm worried about as she absolutely dotes on our little girl.

Anyways thanks for your advice

x

Hi

No I have not had this problem, but just wanted to say that if you truly believe that you will have a better life in Canada and that is where you see your family's future, then go for it. While considering it is worth thinking about whether Canada will offer your daughter a better life. For example we are moving to give us a slower pace of life and to give our boys (now 13 and 15) a better future.

Our family, although sadly no grandparents on either side, will visit us and stay with us for longer. The internet is wonderful and you can talk face to face with anyone anywhere in the world via webcam these days...Canada still has telephones. Our family ie., Brothers and sisters live quite a way from us now in UK, so we only really see them a couple of times a year and have worked out that we will get them holidaying with us in Canada for two weeks or more...so will actually see more of them. Your respective parents can come for up to 6 months at a time....if you can stand that much exposure, that is......lol.....

This has to be done for YOU, and as it is your dream, you should follow that. After all with all things considered it is your life.
Hope this helps
lol
Stef

Stef

Thanks, that does help. It's nice just to hear someone else say what we are thinking. It's hard to talk about this to anyone else who is not going through it as they just don't understand.

Thanks again

Becky

Hi

I'll chuck my 2 pence in. I don't think you are selfish. My father was very ill last year (much better now) and if anything made me more determined to do it. I didn't want to be sitting around in years to come wondering what if....just got to find a job now!! This house husband role only works for so long!! We have 3 kids 8,4,2...

My wifes parents were very supportive, came out for 3 weeks when we landed and are coming back for 5 weeks in September and we chat every day on Skype. My parents....never really spoke about it..upset when we left...said they would be over before Christmas....haven't spoken to them for 2 weeks.....

My parents could have gone to America and South Africa when i was smaller but never did...they didn't want to put me and brother in boarding school....i told them they should have done it!!

We each make decisions that we feel is right at the time.

Good luck with everything...

John

Hi there --

You are definitely not being selfish. The fact that you're airing these feelings in the first place demonstrates how much you're considering other people in this process too. There's an old phrase that I've wheeled out a few times in the past few months, which is that it's important to get the most out of life because you're dead an awfully looongg time...

My wife and I and our two small boys moved to Toronto two weeks ago and we're still struggling with one set of parents even though we broke the news to both sets at the start of 2009. It's really hard to generalise here because so much depends on the nature of one's rel'ship with your folks. In our case, my wife's mum thinks my wife's selfish etc and even threw a 'good riddance party' on the day we flew to Toronto!! But then, she did something similar when my wife went to be an au pair in Italy. Then again, my mum has already had two skype calls with us and plans to visit in mid-October.

The best thing you can do is just be honest about why you're leaving, that it's for positive reasons in terms of YOUR family (think: how many key decisions did your mum consult with your grandmother about?), and that you're not leaving because of some anti-Britain crusade i.e. don't be negative about what you're leaving behind. Maybe just say that it's something you want to try out?

Good luck and all the best. No, you're not being selfish.

Of course you're being selfish. You're ALL being selfish. Why else would you be emigrating. You're ALL doing it because YOU believe YOU and YOUR CHILDREN will have a much more favourable life in Canada.

If that's not selfish, i don't know what is. Just be honest with yourselves and be happy with your decision.

Perception is all that matters, however.

From Dictionary.com

self·ish
   /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ Show Spelled[sel-fish] Show IPA
–adjective
1.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.


Yup - looks like you're being selfish to me! But you have to understand and accept that this is OK.

You didn't have kids to make your parents happy, did you? Then why worry about your parents happiness when you are trying to ensure a safe, happy and productive future for the kids?

Harsh, maybe. Against the grain, definitely.

My answer plain and simple "No you're not"

Reason, you are starting your own life with your own family and you both need to do what's right for you!

Don't let anyone decide for you, it's your choice.

There is Skype.

Good luck

We have been here over four years now. Had one child during the immigration process who was born in the UK and one after we actually moved here.

I still feel guilty now about taking the kids away from their grandparents, but I know that we did the right thing and the kids have a better life here than the would have back home. We are lucky in that both our parents are able to visit once a year and they stay at least 2-3 weeks so on balance they probably see the kids more than the would if we were back in the UK, if you add up the few hour visits here and there.

But you can't have everything, just got to accept that you feel guilty and know that you are doing a good thing for your own family.

Plus there are Skype video calls and stuff so its not like they don't see them or speak to them on a regular basis.

I actually bought a networked web camera which is on all the time, Both our parents log on to it and watch the kids playing to keep them going between visits.

So she's being selfish then

There's nothing wrong with it. We all are whether we realise it or not.

I think that you are being selfish but in a good way, just like we are. We emigrate to Vancouver next June after just coming back from a reccy in May and loving it.

Our families live in Cardiff and we live near London so we don't see that much of our family but they are still very upset that we are going. They know that we are doing it for a better lifestyle for our 8 and 6 year olds but it doesn't make them feel any better.

On the flip side I think our family is being very selfish especially mine. My mum constantly goes on about her and my Dad getting older and not being able to come and visit etc (they are only in their 60s so could be here for another 20 years!!). If we don't do it know we will always be wondering what if.

So try not to beat yourself up about it, as many people have said the world is a far smaller place now with the internet and SKYPE and best of luck for the future.

Ellejay xx

Just go for it. You must do what is best for you, not others.

I'm always selfish Me Me Me it's all about Me