Time for some realism
 

I'm ready to take on the I told you so now...

My position is this, I would like to go home, I have been terribly homesick for all aspects of my life.

However, I have my job back but my hrs have now changed from my set day on my husbands day off to whenever suits the service and likely split hours.

My son can no longer get into his old school or any of the surrounding schools where he has friends. He will need to start a new school at that difficult time of year (Jan). This has many implications, for his sister and her place at school, we need to move areas, and may well have implications for my job. If I'm unable to get drop off/pick up from their new school area because of my new hours then I will be unable to work. I don't have family support and relied on my husband and school friends occasionally if I needed it.

So we're likely returning to a life vastly changed to the one I left, Probably financially worse off returning home, especially covering childcare costs/potentially unable to work, my son has to move from somewhere he is finally settling into, to a completely new class again and area also and so does my little girl. My new hrs are going to make life very difficult be it normal working hrs or school holidays. I won't be able to around for them as much as here. Ironically my husbands job is the only thing that remains unchanged in this "adventure". Right now staying despite the homesickness and not being able to work actually seems like the only good option, a case of you've made your bed now lie on it. Especially factoring in a property unsold as yet.

People said Go, it only needs to be a year, nothing will change, and yet everything has changed. I fear going back won't be as good as I think it will now. It will be filled with stress and trying to juggle everything. Top it all off with a third pregnancy and I feel very down with all the worry of it all.

My husband says we must go home now, it's done and decided and he won't go back on it. I think HELP....please :confused:

Re: Time for some realism
 

Is the relocation about you or your family?

From what you have said previously, it was the fact that you were unable to work here that precipitated the move back to the UK. I thought your husband was enjoying it here, as were your children. I appreciate that I may be wrong.

Re: Time for some realism
 

None of those things sound like long term problems.

Re: Time for some realism
 

I don't think you are wrong. It's been quite a drama and it's all about her !

Re: Time for some realism
 

If your husband is set on moving back, what will you do?

Re: Time for some realism
 

Hi, never thought I'd say this to anyone but I think you have to let your husband off the hook. It might be maddening that he seems to have come out of the whole thing scot-free while everyone else has suffered, but you are in danger of losing a lot more if you can't let that go. I'm sure he didn't plan for the way things have turned out, and if you're honest you already know that neither you mor your kids would be better off if his career suffered too?

No-one else can decide what you should do, but much as I hate to mention the 'H' word (hormones!) if you are expecting again it will have an impact on how you feel about things. Although I would say if you're already homesick won't it be worse when you have another baby?

I don't intend any judgement of you in any of these comments, and send you hugs. I really hope you can make the right decision, and feel happy with it.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Why is your son unable to get back into his old school? Do you mean his old school in the UK? If you're moving back to the UK but to a different area surely this is inevitable. I'm not sure I really understand. Are you looking for advice? and if so on what?

Re: Time for some realism
 

If I were you I would stick it out. YOu can't go back. Whoever told you you can re-enter your old life was smoking the crack.

IF you returned, you would eventually get it back but is it really worth it?

Re: Time for some realism
 

It was, but it looks like I might not be better off either way, so it might be better for other people if just get on with it. My husband likes it, my son so so.

Constructive and helpful. Nice of you.

I'm talking about his old school or any school that has some friends in it. They are all full to the brim, we're unlikely to win an appeal based on this. This will now necessitate us moving areas. I don't know realistically... Everything's wrong everywhere.

Teaandtoday.....I absolutely take your point on board re hormones! Sally I don't know...go home. We are going to involve our son about his school, he needs to know now.

Re: Time for some realism
 

[QUOTE=ExKiwilass;11396729]If I were you I would stick it out. YOu can't go back. Whoever told you you can re-enter your old life was smoking the crack.

IF you returned, you would eventually get it back but is it really worth it?[

Dammed if we do, dammed if we don't....

Re: Time for some realism
 

or, make the choice to stop looking back and move forward with your life.

I get the homesickness, i really do. But it will get better. I promise.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Some of it comes down to gut feelings, and only you know what they are.

The longer you stay, the harder to reverse that decision.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Have to say it never did for me.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Thank you! It has done an uncanny impression of depression at a lot of times, but I'm not...

Re: Time for some realism
 

I have to say I get it now, why people can't/don't just go home. Suddenly it seems like the wrong time.

Re: Time for some realism
 

How long is your husband contractually obliged to stay at the practice in the near north?

It may be better in the medium term for him to move to a practice somewhere in Canada where you can get your career back on track, then everyone is relatively happy. The longer he waits to do that though the more attached to his collegues he is likely to become, which AFAIK is why he is now set on returning to the UK based on his window of opportunity to resume his old job.

Obviously getting your career in Canada started will require some effort to get your qualifications and experience recognized here, which is a PITA, but its something you surely knew about before deciding to relocate here.

Re: Time for some realism
 

I have gone as far as I can go with it at present, until the CNO do their bit I'm pretty stuck... A change in area would have been better, closer to a University and a big teaching hospital. Those are the things I can't change because of the above husbands job. Thank you for something constructive I can answer. I did know what a royal pain it would be to get registered here, I underestimated how not working would make me feel.

Re: Time for some realism
 

No real advice from me.

When I was a kid my parents took us (two brothers, one sister) all the way to Australia. Once we started enjoying life after 18 months there they pulled us out and dragged us back to Blighty.

Similar situation as we moved to a town 10 miles from the old town so it was starting again again. Nothing was the same except the cold nights and naff TV.

It's alright for parents as they have built their relationships over years and have the means to maintain them.

I have to say as a 9 and 10 year old it's horrible being a newby/outsider for a good six months to a year so to do it twice kind of sucked for me.

That aside I think having met you that you would probably be happier back in Wales it will just be another adoption process.

Re: Time for some realism
 

I feel for you, for sure. Sometimes getting 'stuck' like that can be really overwhelming and affects you in ways you didn't think it would.

My husband just had his one year of living in Canada last week (coincidentally, while we were in the UK!). The first three months of that, we were doing long distance, as I was tying up the last of things in the UK, including my citizenship. Then it was another month after I moved to get my job sorted, and then it was house hunting. We moved in with my parents initially (so that was my husband living on his own with my parents for 3 months!! :eek:)... we close on our house at the end of November, which will be a total of 14 months of living with my parents for my husband. He has certainly at times found that tough - not because he doesn't get along with my parents, more just not having a house to call his own, and feeling a bit "homeless" for that time. He certainly has gotten homesick in the past, and I'm sure he will more in the future. But he's also recognized that part of his frustration has been because of the house... once we are in the house, things will really start to feel properly like "home". To get by we have instead poured BUCKETS of research into things for the house... DIY renovations, paint colours, mattress types, couches, chairs, fridges, dishwashers, televisions, and so on and so forth. But really, walking in the door when it becomes OUR house is going to be a big game changer.

It feels a bit like you're in a similar boat, just with a job instead of the house. You're doing everything you can do on your end to sort out the career aspect of your life, but in the meantime, you just feel ... stuck. And that's making you pine for going back to the life you did have.

I think what you need to do is find something else to get stuck into in the meantime. A friend of mine volunteered for Meals on Wheels when she was between jobs. It gave her something to do, and even though she's now been employed for 4 years, she still does stuff with them on weekends. Maybe you pick a project in your home to get really into... whatever interests you.

I don't want to sound condescending in case you are already doing this, and I'm sure you've probably been told it before... but I think once you are actually working and things become less grey and unknown, throwing in the towel and moving back I think is a premature move.

Not sure if that helps or not...

Re: Time for some realism
 

Congratulations on the baby! How exciting. Homesickness can be almost a physical emotion. I hope you can stick it out here and make a go of it. Time is a great healer and I'm sure things will improve for you.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Are you the poster who posted last week and have been here less than 2 years? sorry I can't remember.

Most people say it takes around 2 years to feel like Canada is "home". I'd agree with that. I've been here 2.5 years and sometimes it still feels totally alien. I feel for you because homesickness is awful when it hits (for me it's not often but when it does it's *awful*).

I am presuming you sold your house prior to moving over? If so can't you move into the same village and get your kids into the same schools they left? If they are full don't they have to make space if you are in the catchment? Maybe a call to the school secretaries would help you with this decision.

How will you handle working split hours and not on your husbands days off? Will you be ok with that?

It just seems to me from your posts that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and going back has it's disadvantages too?

Not an easy decision. I feel for you.

Re: Time for some realism
 

what does your children want?

i would like to speak from a child's point of view as i have had personal experience when it comes to big moves. i know how hard it is to move away from your best buddies to a totally different country where you dont know anyone. i was born in Sweden and grew up there, however when i was 15, mum and dad decided to move to Northern Ireland - as you can imagine this sucked BIG time!! Considering that i went to a school (in Sweden) where i actually liked (i know, sounds weird) and things couldnt get any better as far as teenage years goes...

soo, it was a complete reboot of my life (and my parents for the matter) and it took a long time for me to adjust to rural life in NI, it was very hard and at times very dark. I really hated everything back then, i could go as far as saying i even hated my parents for being so inconsiderate!! but as soon as i started college things got better, probably due to the fact i was able to go out and socialise etc. and it got even better once i started uni, however that is a different story altogether...! :)

i am 25 years old for the 8th year running now, and I can honestly say home for me now would be N.I (i currently live in england) where my folk still reside, and it is also where my best friends are from for the matter!! and i can also honestly say i am glad i stuck it out with my parents.

however, just so that you know, whichever path you end up taking please know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel!! it may be a long time before you see this light but it is there... whether you decide to return back to the uk or stay, there no right or wrong choice here. this is what i believe in anyway, life has a funny way of working itself out...

Re: Time for some realism
 

Jesus, dont let the kids decide what to do. Parents are the adults and get to make the decisions for a reason.

Different with late teenagers perhaps as they have more invested and its a difficult age in general, but little kids just have to go along for the ride Im afraid. Kids will be alright in the end anyway as long as the parents are there for them. Happy parents make for happy kids for the most part.

Re: Time for some realism
 

So three years left, or only 2 now? Is he likely to consider a move to a better location (from your perspective) in Canada? You say that hes now totally for returning to his old practice. You know him, is he likely to change his mind / have it changed for him if on balance you decide to give canada more time?

TBH I think you need to decide whether the hassles of new UK schools and work patterns are better or worse than the hassles of a new way of life in Canada and the prospect of another move and jumping through hoops for you to work in your old job function somewhere here.

Kids will likely adapt one way or another, although they will pick up on your stress for sure if you make a big deal of it.

You just have to decide on a plan, and then stick with it for a while come hell or highwater. Its never all going to be plain sailing whichever you choose.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Thank you!

Re: Time for some realism
 

That's what my jumble of emotion posts boil down to! Thanks Iaink, you make it sound so simple! ;)

Re: Time for some realism
 

Thank you too. All posts help me feel like I'm not too crazy and self obsessed:thumbdown:

Re: Time for some realism
 

Lots going on here!

Firstly, congrats on the baby :) I've had 3 here now and they seem to be doing ok so far, no extra heads or anything. I like that they have dual nationality as it gives them more options for the future.

Regarding moving back. I know of 2 families who moved back, in my opinion neither gave it long enough here, but having said that, I'm getting close to a decade now and it still doesn't feel like home. If money were no issue, we would likely have moved on by now. Moving back though - we've come to the conclusion that it's really not that simple. Doing this changes people, and those two families I know have both had real issues trying to settle back there again. One managed to get their kids into the same school, with the same friends and the other even managed to rent the house they had rented before they left. Neither has had an easy ride of it at all.

We were actually considering moving back while I was pregnant with our 3rd. With hindsight, it likely would have broken me, and probably still would now. Hormones and all that.

Only you can know what is best, or not know as the case seems to be. If you know that things will be changing in the next couple of years if you stay, then it might be worth seeing what you can make of that. I get the misery, the homesickness, the lack of friends and feeling alone, I really do, and so do many others on here. It really really sucks at times. But I also think that you could be making things an awful lot worse to try and move back at this point, particularly with what you're saying about nothing being in place that you were expecting (at the risk of being called a hippy nutcase yet again, maybe it's not waiting for you there because you're not supposed to go back. Obstacles to be listened to maybe). You at least know what the status quo here is for the next little bit, if you see what I mean.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Sometimes we all need a sanity check. :)

Re: Time for some realism
 

What's that then?

Re: Time for some realism
 

I said pretty much this to my husband the other week, I think the universe is trying to tell us something....so if you're hippy nutcase so am I;)

Re: Time for some realism
 

You're welcome.

So you think everyone might be better off staying? if that's the case have you given it your best shot to make it feel like home? Thrown yourself into it?

Do you have many friends? I remember in the early days even tho I knew we'd made the right move crying buckets logging into FB and seeing gatherings that we would have been at had we stayed.

Making friends is important - but it's not easy.

My motto that I use when not knowing what to do "If in doubt - do nowt"

Re: Time for some realism
 

My theory on such things is that you can never go back, to a job, a city, a country. Things change and what you had is gone. I think it would be even more upsetting to return and discover that you don't like it.

As you know I took a long while to settle and often thought about going back, what stopped us? Money, my husband being happy here, no guarantee that we would be happy back in England, the sheer hassle of moving. Now this place is home for us when I go back I feel like the visitor I am.

You went back on holiday very soon too didn't you, that's hard to do.

Have a look at online courses to exercise your brain perhaps some intellectual stimulation might help.

Don't beat yourself about about not knowing what to do, not many do.

Re: Time for some realism
 

Ooh! Brain exercise - look at online European university degrees too - I believe some countries (Sweden, Norway, Iceland, probably others) offer completely free degrees to EU citizens. I have just started researching this for myself :)

Re: Time for some realism
 

We have made some good friends. We were out tonight at a friends birthday BBQ- she's due just before me. We bought a house to try and make it feel like home- throw ourselves into it. I suppose the one thing I haven't explored is alternative forms of work or occupation mainly as I had my little girl, but she's off at JK full time now so I should try. Fb is a bugger for homesickness!

Bats...no I didn't go home, I thought it was too risky. You're right about online courses too or something...

Re: Time for some realism
 

Where are you based? Maybe one of us miserable old buggers on here could met you for coffee, objective advice from someone you don't really know can be quite cathartic!!
We have friends who went home after 10 months, it cost them a huge amount financially and i'm not sure they are any happier with the work/home/kids balance. The only thing is that she is closer to family and friends. She doesn't get to see much of them because of the stress of everything else!

This forum is great for venting, there are plenty of folks who have loved, hated and everything in between. Use us!!

Re: Time for some realism
 

I thought long and hard before posting this because I don’t want to come across as hard hearted, I do feel your pain and have been through similar feelings myself but there is one fact that you cannot get away from. Once you accept this it’ll make any decision a whole lot easier.

Your life that you had in the UK doesn’t exist anymore.

Your house as you left it doesn’t, Your jobs may not, your children’s schools don’t. Your friends have moved on since you saw them last.

That life is gone.

Whatever you decide to do, it will involve either making a new life back in the UK, starting all over again from scratch. Or trying to make a go of what you have here.

As I said I’m not unsympathetic. I came from a profession that is pretty much impossible for me to get back into at the level I’d want to here. The difference was I knew it before I moved. Still it didn’t stop the negative emotions. I didn’t realise how much of my identity was tied up in my profession. Back in England I was Zoe the physics teacher. In Canada I was Zoe the unemployed nothing. It dinged my self-confidence for a long time.
For me the trick was knowing there was nothing to go back to. I either made a life for myself here orwas terminally unhappy. I won’t lie. It took years. But it helped not to see the UK as an escape plan. It was either here or nowhere I guess.

Your decision basically boils down to “make a go of it in Canada” or “start all over again in the UK”

I hope you are happy whatever path you choose.

Re: Time for some realism
 

:goodpost:

Re: Time for some realism
 

Well, yes. And no.

Is everything going to be exactly the same before you left? Likely not. Particularly not jobwise. Friends? Well that depends, some may have moved on, some you may find you fit straight back in as though you hadn't left.

I've been away 10 years in November. For the past 4 years I've been travelling back to UK 4 or more times a year for business so I've actually got to see a fair amount of friends and family. By and large my group of friends is getting on with life and while I'm not a regular part of that, it doesn't feel as though we wouldn't be able to fit back in reasonably easily. I'd also still be fairly confident about picking up a job although the Mrs would have a much harder time as a teacher.

In our case we couldn't move back to our old lives even if we wanted to, simply because our lives now include two children! So our housing requirements would be different which would likely entail living in a different area than the one we left.

Of course as with everything, it varies from family to family and person to person. I'd suggest consideration of moving back be done in the same light as consideration of emigrating in the first place as an informed consumer, understanding challenges, opportunites, costs etc before making decision. But I also recognise that there will be an emotional part of the decision which might overrule everything else. I think if you want/need to go back enough badly then you can or have to make it work.

AX

Re: Time for some realism
 

Valid point, I think friends will stay the same, but the realisation that our work life balance is going to be harder than it was before makes for some grim focusing!

That's ok Zoe....I've met you...I take it in the spirit it was meant! ;). I think you also understand how lack of work can be hugely demoralising...

I agree, friendships will stay the same although recognising that they have actually invested in other friendships while we've been away. I wish I could remove my emotions from it. Head says one thing, heart says another!