dozzzzy

Some newly patented pharmacueticals . . . .


D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Sorry, I found these fun

Dozzzz

dozzzzy

I probably shouldn't add to my own post but ...


Let all terrorists beware -

The news wires have reported that the French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher
levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally in GB they've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

dozzzzy

Can you tell I'm just whileing away the hours till I can go home...



A family are sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"


The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."


"Onions?"


"Yes, see them and they make you cry."



This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many
kind of penises are there?"


The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well,
daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."



"A Christmas tree?"


"Yes, dead from the root and the balls are there for decoration only."



CAR BUMPER STICKERS


Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling!

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside down on a jeep]

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph... Are Also Timed for 70 mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

Cat: The Other White Meat

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down... Before He Admits He is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks!

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Dozzzzy

dozzzzy

I'll either get bored of this soon, or I'll get to go home.... hang in their


The Benefits of Being A Woman

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies.
Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival the Speedo.
We don't fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We don't have to memorise Monty Python to fit in.
We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.



Reasons For Men To Be Proud Of Themselves

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be friends
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 minutes

Daveyboy_The_Red

More More More!!!!!!!!!!!

hot wasabi peas

this seems appropriate:

Rich_007

LOL pi$$er. And the little known top level for MOD upper eschelon only, 'keep upper lip very very stiff'.

Rich.

dozzzzy

Your wish......

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE ...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


Dozzzzy

dozzzzy

Men are like ...
Laxatives ...They irritate the s**t out of you.
Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll
get or how long it will last.
Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.


Dozzzzy