Some much needed advice!!
Jul 29th 2008, 7:39 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 239
Some much needed advice!!
I would really appreciate some advice from parents out there with teenagers of 16 and above. Im at a loss here and feeling pretty sad.
I had told my 15yr old son that he could go to Canada this year, start school and then the family would follow over. Everything had been set up that he was staying with close family and he would possibly be there for the best part of the year without us.
Due to employment contracts that need to be fulfilled it was going to be impossible for us as a family to go together.
I really struggled with the whole thing, I really tried to get into it that he would be away from home and away from this close knit little family we have.
I had even booked a one way ticket for him in Oct (we are validating our PR) but then it got too much for me. The worry of him being away, this xmas being away from home, my daughters 21st next yr and his 16th too. Just the whole idea that he wont be here. I had to tell them how bad I was feeling and that I wasnt coping too good with the decision. My OH who is very supprtive agreed that we keep him here for another year so that the work contracts will nearly be fulfilled he then can go next summer with me and him knowing it wont be for so long.
I have now told my son that he cant stay and that he is coming home with us and he is devastated. I have really hurt him and taken away his choice and opportunity. I am gutted. He isnt talking to me and says I am being selfish. I know I am doing it for selfish reasons but I am trying to avoid my family being seperated. My husband served 22yrs in the Brit Army and my OH has spent many many months away from us and I dont want to do it anymore.
Sorry Guys I have gone on more than I should.
My son thinks he will be too old to start school and that he wont be able to be successful in school and that it will be a waste of time.
What I would appreciate is some much needed advice from Parents that have taken older kids over to Canada and what your thoughts are on how well they have done. Any thoughts on why you wish you hadnt done it or some really success stories would be great, then I can read them to my Son. And try and get rid of some of this guilt I am harbouring.
Thanks for listening
I had told my 15yr old son that he could go to Canada this year, start school and then the family would follow over. Everything had been set up that he was staying with close family and he would possibly be there for the best part of the year without us.
Due to employment contracts that need to be fulfilled it was going to be impossible for us as a family to go together.
I really struggled with the whole thing, I really tried to get into it that he would be away from home and away from this close knit little family we have.
I had even booked a one way ticket for him in Oct (we are validating our PR) but then it got too much for me. The worry of him being away, this xmas being away from home, my daughters 21st next yr and his 16th too. Just the whole idea that he wont be here. I had to tell them how bad I was feeling and that I wasnt coping too good with the decision. My OH who is very supprtive agreed that we keep him here for another year so that the work contracts will nearly be fulfilled he then can go next summer with me and him knowing it wont be for so long.
I have now told my son that he cant stay and that he is coming home with us and he is devastated. I have really hurt him and taken away his choice and opportunity. I am gutted. He isnt talking to me and says I am being selfish. I know I am doing it for selfish reasons but I am trying to avoid my family being seperated. My husband served 22yrs in the Brit Army and my OH has spent many many months away from us and I dont want to do it anymore.
Sorry Guys I have gone on more than I should.
My son thinks he will be too old to start school and that he wont be able to be successful in school and that it will be a waste of time.
What I would appreciate is some much needed advice from Parents that have taken older kids over to Canada and what your thoughts are on how well they have done. Any thoughts on why you wish you hadnt done it or some really success stories would be great, then I can read them to my Son. And try and get rid of some of this guilt I am harbouring.
Thanks for listening
Jul 29th 2008, 9:48 am
#2
half a century
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Sarf Lundun to East Van :)
Posts: 10,222
Re: Some much needed advice!!
havent left yet so cant offer any advice - just a big hug x x x x x
Jul 29th 2008, 9:58 am
#3
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 2,484
Re: Some much needed advice!!
We are still here, but i know afew that have older kids and they are all loving there new life.
Its early hours in most places at the moment, but sure someone will come along and tell you how they have coped.
i have young kids, so cant help on the teenage side as they would move tomorrow as they love it.
Big hugs and i hope you can work it out.
Gill
Its early hours in most places at the moment, but sure someone will come along and tell you how they have coped.
i have young kids, so cant help on the teenage side as they would move tomorrow as they love it.
Big hugs and i hope you can work it out.
Gill
Jul 29th 2008, 12:19 pm
#4
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,152
Re: Some much needed advice!!
What I would appreciate is some much needed advice from Parents that have taken older kids over to Canada and what your thoughts are on how well they have done. Any thoughts on why you wish you hadnt done it or some really success stories would be great, then I can read them to my Son. And try and get rid of some of this guilt I am harbouring.
Within nine months my oldest daughter,aged 19, went back to the UK where she's now settled. The middle one has ended up in Edmonton, Alberta also settled. My youngest daughter, now aged 18 has loved her school time since being here (4 years) but now seems a little lost.
Obviously I can't say for certain but I see our move to Canada having resulted in creating these big distances between all of us and I don't like that.
Personally I wouldn't advise anyone to make a big move while their kids are in their developing teen years but life is short and sometimes we need to do these things. I wouldn't have agreed to have left my fifteen year old in another country and I think that your revised decision is the right one.
Jul 29th 2008, 4:37 pm
#5
Now on Vancouver Island
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 6,935
Re: Some much needed advice!!
It's a tough one. It's for each of us to decide for ourselves, and no one else can tell us what to do.
I did the opposite of what you're proposing to do, keznjj. My husband and I let our son stay behind in Melbourne to complete grade twelve when we returned to Calgary. He joined us in Calgary a year later, after he'd completed high school in Melbourne.
I missed him terribly while we were parted. During the middle of the year, he broke his wrist in a skateboarding accident, and had surgery. Getting a phone call from his host mother and not being able to rush to his bedside when he was injured was one of the worst moments of my life. Some time after that -- I forget exactly when, maybe a week later -- I was driving and had to stop at a red light. While I was waiting at the light, my thoughts turned to my son, and I burst into tears. For a few seconds I was blind. It was all I could do to wipe my eyes and carry on driving when the light turned green.
It was incredibly tough to do at the time, but I think it had a positive effect on my husband's and my relationships with our son. In fact I think it's true of our relationships with our other son too. As they got into the latter half of their teens, we tried to accommodate their wishes and let them do things their way, to the extent possible. They're now in their mid-twenties, and they've told us that they appreciate the fact we let them work out their own paths in life.
Like you, my family has endured a lot of separation. My mother is Hungarian, and suffered tremendously during WW II. When the Iron Curtain came down, she escaped and became a refugee, leaving behind a closely knit family. It was heart breaking, and a lot of her family's grief was transmitted to me. She made her way to Southern Africa where she met and married my father. They were pioneers in the bush in Swaziland. There were no schools out there. My mother home schooled each of my brothers and me for the first two years, but then we went to boarding school from the age of 7 onwards. Later on, when I was in my mid twenties, my husband and I emigrated to Canada. Not too long afterwards one of my brothers emigrated to Australia. So there have been a lot of separations in my family, and I suffer from them still. I think that's one of the reasons why I participate on this forum, 31 years after emigrating.
But, even with all that grief, I was determined to let my son do things his way when we were returning to Calgary and he asked to stay on in Australia for his last year of high school. For me personally that was a higher value than my own sadness at being parted from him.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It's your family, and your life. You are one of the grown ups in your family, and you and your husband have to do what you believe is best. It doesn't matter what decision my husband and I made. That decision was for our family. You have to make the decision for your family.
But I got the impression that your post was a plea for stories that would reinforce your decision. If that's what you were asking for, I'm not going to give it to you.
In my time on this forum, I've seen families handling these situations in different ways. Your case is a little unusual, in that the kid actually wants to move, ahead of the family. Often it's the other way round. The kid wants to stay behind. Anyway, I've seen parents handling it in every imagineable way -- forcing the kids to do one thing or the other, letting the kids choose one way or the other, and many combinations. The thing is that, from my observation, no one course of action is guaranteed to "succeed" or "fail" (depending on your definition of success or failure). Some BE families have done it one way, and that way has resulted in a happy outcome for some and a sad outcome for others. Other BE families have done it another way, and that other way has resulted in a happy outcome for some and a sad outcome for others.
Even if you force your son to stay with you for this one year, there is no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him with you much past that. You might keep him with you now, he might resent it, and he might dash off just as soon as he can get away from you. I'm not saying he will, but it could happen. He could stay in Canada but go to another part of this huge country and be some hours away from you by air (and days away from you by land).
But I think it's also true that your son's being away from you will place some hardships on your family beyond the emotional issues. For example, I don't know what the situation is with respect to school fees, but I imagine the school board will charge him as if he's an international student. I also think he may not be eligible for provincial health care insurance, and I'm guessing you'll need to buy private health insurance.
The school fees and health insurance and other costs were an issue for my husband and me when our son stayed behind in Australia for that year. We decided to bite the bullet and pay the money and we were lucky that we were able to do so.
If the financial sacrifice would make things difficult for your family, I think that's a valid consideration to raise with your son. I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect something if it was going to require a crippling sacrifice on the part of his family.
But from your post I get the impression that it's not the money that has changed your mind, it's the emotional considerations.
I honestly, honestly wish you all the best, whatever you decide. You are in a very, very difficult position -- I know.
x
I did the opposite of what you're proposing to do, keznjj. My husband and I let our son stay behind in Melbourne to complete grade twelve when we returned to Calgary. He joined us in Calgary a year later, after he'd completed high school in Melbourne.
I missed him terribly while we were parted. During the middle of the year, he broke his wrist in a skateboarding accident, and had surgery. Getting a phone call from his host mother and not being able to rush to his bedside when he was injured was one of the worst moments of my life. Some time after that -- I forget exactly when, maybe a week later -- I was driving and had to stop at a red light. While I was waiting at the light, my thoughts turned to my son, and I burst into tears. For a few seconds I was blind. It was all I could do to wipe my eyes and carry on driving when the light turned green.
It was incredibly tough to do at the time, but I think it had a positive effect on my husband's and my relationships with our son. In fact I think it's true of our relationships with our other son too. As they got into the latter half of their teens, we tried to accommodate their wishes and let them do things their way, to the extent possible. They're now in their mid-twenties, and they've told us that they appreciate the fact we let them work out their own paths in life.
Like you, my family has endured a lot of separation. My mother is Hungarian, and suffered tremendously during WW II. When the Iron Curtain came down, she escaped and became a refugee, leaving behind a closely knit family. It was heart breaking, and a lot of her family's grief was transmitted to me. She made her way to Southern Africa where she met and married my father. They were pioneers in the bush in Swaziland. There were no schools out there. My mother home schooled each of my brothers and me for the first two years, but then we went to boarding school from the age of 7 onwards. Later on, when I was in my mid twenties, my husband and I emigrated to Canada. Not too long afterwards one of my brothers emigrated to Australia. So there have been a lot of separations in my family, and I suffer from them still. I think that's one of the reasons why I participate on this forum, 31 years after emigrating.
But, even with all that grief, I was determined to let my son do things his way when we were returning to Calgary and he asked to stay on in Australia for his last year of high school. For me personally that was a higher value than my own sadness at being parted from him.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It's your family, and your life. You are one of the grown ups in your family, and you and your husband have to do what you believe is best. It doesn't matter what decision my husband and I made. That decision was for our family. You have to make the decision for your family.
But I got the impression that your post was a plea for stories that would reinforce your decision. If that's what you were asking for, I'm not going to give it to you.
In my time on this forum, I've seen families handling these situations in different ways. Your case is a little unusual, in that the kid actually wants to move, ahead of the family. Often it's the other way round. The kid wants to stay behind. Anyway, I've seen parents handling it in every imagineable way -- forcing the kids to do one thing or the other, letting the kids choose one way or the other, and many combinations. The thing is that, from my observation, no one course of action is guaranteed to "succeed" or "fail" (depending on your definition of success or failure). Some BE families have done it one way, and that way has resulted in a happy outcome for some and a sad outcome for others. Other BE families have done it another way, and that other way has resulted in a happy outcome for some and a sad outcome for others.
Even if you force your son to stay with you for this one year, there is no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him with you much past that. You might keep him with you now, he might resent it, and he might dash off just as soon as he can get away from you. I'm not saying he will, but it could happen. He could stay in Canada but go to another part of this huge country and be some hours away from you by air (and days away from you by land).
But I think it's also true that your son's being away from you will place some hardships on your family beyond the emotional issues. For example, I don't know what the situation is with respect to school fees, but I imagine the school board will charge him as if he's an international student. I also think he may not be eligible for provincial health care insurance, and I'm guessing you'll need to buy private health insurance.
The school fees and health insurance and other costs were an issue for my husband and me when our son stayed behind in Australia for that year. We decided to bite the bullet and pay the money and we were lucky that we were able to do so.
If the financial sacrifice would make things difficult for your family, I think that's a valid consideration to raise with your son. I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect something if it was going to require a crippling sacrifice on the part of his family.
But from your post I get the impression that it's not the money that has changed your mind, it's the emotional considerations.
I honestly, honestly wish you all the best, whatever you decide. You are in a very, very difficult position -- I know.
x
Jul 29th 2008, 8:48 pm
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 186
Re: Some much needed advice!!
Advice?
make +/- lists for the alternatives (either he goes ahead or he stays with you), and do the +/- lists from each family member's point of view.
Read books on moving kids internationally. (for example: Notes from a Travelling Childhood).
As Judy said: there is no one solution fits all. Each family has to make their own decision. For the time being, you can still make decisions for your son, as long as he is a minor.
How to enforce decisions? That's another story.
Tales from myself:
-my family was very mobile, and my older sisters had to follow their parents and live in a new house, make new friends, get used to new schools and new educational systems every two to three years
-the my father retired, and I spent between age 7 and age 15 in one place with my family.
-at 15, I went to the US on my own, to boarding school, for a year, on a scholarship, something I had organized by myself starting at age 12
-came back home after the year as planned to live with my family and finish high school
-spent a year as an aupair girl in Paris after high school before uni
-did my studies for my master's in three different countries.
-today I live in yet another country, have a bilingual son
-and plan the move to Canada
Impacts of Moves on kids in their teens:
for me: it was a bummer that the moving around with my family stopped when I was 7. I love to move to new places, even if I am lucid enough to appreciate the psychological and emotional effort involved. I thought it was great that my parents let me go off by myself to prep school in the States when I was 15 (aided, of course, by the fact that I was on a full scholarship, and no extra costs were incurred).
For one of my sisters: the moving almost killed her. She wants to do one thing in life, and that is to not move house any more. Her husband's lost his job (happens in a shaky economy), and has been offered a job 1500km away in a different country, same language spoken. She refuses to move -- so they decide to live off unemployment, rather than move their family.
Sit down calmly and discuss things from everyone's perspective.
From my point of view as an outsider, both you and your son have very valid arguments. These things are hard.
All the best for the best decision for you and your family.
make +/- lists for the alternatives (either he goes ahead or he stays with you), and do the +/- lists from each family member's point of view.
Read books on moving kids internationally. (for example: Notes from a Travelling Childhood).
As Judy said: there is no one solution fits all. Each family has to make their own decision. For the time being, you can still make decisions for your son, as long as he is a minor.
How to enforce decisions? That's another story.
Tales from myself:
-my family was very mobile, and my older sisters had to follow their parents and live in a new house, make new friends, get used to new schools and new educational systems every two to three years
-the my father retired, and I spent between age 7 and age 15 in one place with my family.
-at 15, I went to the US on my own, to boarding school, for a year, on a scholarship, something I had organized by myself starting at age 12
-came back home after the year as planned to live with my family and finish high school
-spent a year as an aupair girl in Paris after high school before uni
-did my studies for my master's in three different countries.
-today I live in yet another country, have a bilingual son
-and plan the move to Canada
Impacts of Moves on kids in their teens:
for me: it was a bummer that the moving around with my family stopped when I was 7. I love to move to new places, even if I am lucid enough to appreciate the psychological and emotional effort involved. I thought it was great that my parents let me go off by myself to prep school in the States when I was 15 (aided, of course, by the fact that I was on a full scholarship, and no extra costs were incurred).
For one of my sisters: the moving almost killed her. She wants to do one thing in life, and that is to not move house any more. Her husband's lost his job (happens in a shaky economy), and has been offered a job 1500km away in a different country, same language spoken. She refuses to move -- so they decide to live off unemployment, rather than move their family.
Sit down calmly and discuss things from everyone's perspective.
From my point of view as an outsider, both you and your son have very valid arguments. These things are hard.
All the best for the best decision for you and your family.
Jul 31st 2008, 5:44 am
#7
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 239
Re: Some much needed advice!!
Hi GuysBig Thanks to everyone for your support, hugs
and advice. Im feeling a lot better about my decision and know it is the right one.
My son has come out of his little strop and is now understanding the situation a little better.
I sat him down and asked him just to listen and try to understand and told him my reasons.
Im still feeling a little guilty.
I have told him that he will definetly go next year and then the family wont be too long behind him. At least we wont be separated for too long.
Once again Big Thanks!!!
Watch this space for next year now lol
Hope everyones move is going smoothly.
Jul 31st 2008, 6:55 am
#8
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2006
Location: Lethbridge AB
Posts: 4,250
Re: Some much needed advice!!
Hello there
I know exactly how you feel as I have done that and got the tee shirt - but not for quite as long as a year.
My OH came out here on a TWP in Feb 07 and then towards the end of the sale of the house etc the decision was made to take a holiday to come out and see hubby as we hadnt seen each other for 4 months. It was my OH's idea that maybe the kids would like to stay in Canada whilst I returned to the UK for a couple of months to finalise the sale and pack up.
I was devastated that my babies (then 11 and 12) would be apart from me and it was my idea to sit the kids down and actually discuss and see how they felt.
My son the youngest decided that he wanted to stay in the UK with me and finish up at Junior School whilst my daughter decided that she wanted to stay in Canada due to her having a bad time at High School in the UK.
When I had to leave her in Canada it really did break my heart but it was something which a) had to be done and b) it was her decision.
The whole moving over here was very stressful for us as a family due to the separation factor first just my OH being away and not knowing a definite date which I could see him and then also leaving a child behind.
Personally, I wouldnt ever recommend splitting a family up for long periods of time no matter who they are staying with. Now nearly one year on i can finally say that we are totally back to normal and if you are still thinking about your options I would think very carefully about not only the separation factor but also the sheer loss that you feel.
Whatever the decision you make you will only make for the best reasons and I wish you all of the luck in the world.
Gaynor
I know exactly how you feel as I have done that and got the tee shirt - but not for quite as long as a year.
My OH came out here on a TWP in Feb 07 and then towards the end of the sale of the house etc the decision was made to take a holiday to come out and see hubby as we hadnt seen each other for 4 months. It was my OH's idea that maybe the kids would like to stay in Canada whilst I returned to the UK for a couple of months to finalise the sale and pack up.
I was devastated that my babies (then 11 and 12) would be apart from me and it was my idea to sit the kids down and actually discuss and see how they felt.
My son the youngest decided that he wanted to stay in the UK with me and finish up at Junior School whilst my daughter decided that she wanted to stay in Canada due to her having a bad time at High School in the UK.
When I had to leave her in Canada it really did break my heart but it was something which a) had to be done and b) it was her decision.
The whole moving over here was very stressful for us as a family due to the separation factor first just my OH being away and not knowing a definite date which I could see him and then also leaving a child behind.
Personally, I wouldnt ever recommend splitting a family up for long periods of time no matter who they are staying with. Now nearly one year on i can finally say that we are totally back to normal and if you are still thinking about your options I would think very carefully about not only the separation factor but also the sheer loss that you feel.
Whatever the decision you make you will only make for the best reasons and I wish you all of the luck in the world.
Gaynor
Jul 31st 2008, 7:11 am
#9
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 239
Re: Some much needed advice!!
Hi Gaynor
Your post has made me realise that I did the right thing.
I was feeling like I was berieved and my son hadnt even left yet. However I told him that he will certainly be going next year so I am hoping that I dont get myself wound up all over again next year.
Jeez my oldest moved out and went flatting and it almost destroyed me for a couple of weeks and she was only down the road ha ha
. She's back now though
I could have strung her up for putting me through that..
I see where you are coming from though too, you had too allow your child to make a decision. I did too but he would have been without any of us and I truly struggled with it all.
Hey ho the things we put ourselves through for our kids...
Im glad you are back on track and thanks for your imput, its really appreciated
Your post has made me realise that I did the right thing.
I was feeling like I was berieved and my son hadnt even left yet. However I told him that he will certainly be going next year so I am hoping that I dont get myself wound up all over again next year.
Jeez my oldest moved out and went flatting and it almost destroyed me for a couple of weeks and she was only down the road ha ha
. She's back now though I could have strung her up for putting me through that..I see where you are coming from though too, you had too allow your child to make a decision. I did too but he would have been without any of us and I truly struggled with it all.
Hey ho the things we put ourselves through for our kids...
Im glad you are back on track and thanks for your imput, its really appreciated
