Westcoast gal

Hi everyone! I've been reading posts on here for some time now and have finally joined to ask the professionals for some help. My situation is as follows...I got married 2 years ago and moved to the West Midlands as I had promised my husband I would try it out. I realized that we wouldn't be able to enjoy the same standard of living there as we would here. I'm a Social Worker and he worked for the police. other issues were that I had no family, no friends and no support network, on the other hand he has family here, although he choses not to tap into them.

we moved back to BC, with me arriving first and with him joining me about 6 months ago. The job situation for him is very slow unfortunately but I know something will be coming up, just needs to be patient. It took me nearly 7 months to find work in my field while there.

since being here it's been a huge battle. Every little thing is an issue.. I've taken it on the chin, but now i'm losing patience. i know it's hard to settle in another country but we all have to take some responsibility for our feelings. I realize he's not working, he's never been away from home, is missing home and is missing his local and that which is familiar. I don't know what to do to make him less miserable. He has good days and then not so good days.

I'm sure he knows that this is the best place for us overall...i just need to know when he'll stop hating it and when he'll open himself up to the opportunities that being in Canada give us. For those who've come from Britain and are married to Canadians...please help, any advice would be greatly appreciated

DandNHill

We're both British and are living at the other end of the country from you but it still comes with it's own problems.

I'm finding it difficult to settle in a small town far away from anybody I know (we were originally due to live near Truro and Halifax where we had gotten to know people including friends who had moved over 6 months before us).

I'm starting to see what my boss is really like and can only describe her as bipolar and she has started to take her moods out on me. Having a job I enjoyed was one of the only things keeping me sane in this small narrow minded town.

So my advice from one edging-on depressed person to another is to get a grip on things. Doesn't matter what you do but don't let yourself spend days, weeks, months spiraling downhill and feeling more and more "shit" every day.

My OH has a great job here and loving it so I don't feel I can drag him away from it all, I just have to find something to cheer me up without an alcohol content!!!!

I'll let you know when I find what I need

gillyd65

Personally I think someone has to give in and accept their lot as you are both from different countries so it could be a case of 'never the twain shall meet'. Who that one will be only you as a couple can decide. We're both from the UK and have both come to the conclusion that perhaps Canada is not the place for us after all. However we did agree that if one of us (family of four) was deeply unhappy then we would all return irrespective of how the others felt. We weren't unhappy in the UK so we can go back knowing we'll be OK there. Just wish you the best of luck in your decision, can't be easy.

DandNHill

Oh gillyd65 have you made a decision? You were going to give it until the summer, is that still the plan?

gillyd65

I'll PM you!

Atlantic Xpat

True dat. If you happen to fall in love with a person from another country, one of you will always compromise on where to live. It is an integral part of the relationship and if it that circle cannot be squared then the relationship is going to be a real struggle.

Tangram

You're trying to square a circle ? No wonder it's a struggle.

HGerchikov

I am British, my husband is from Russia, for the first ten years of our life together we lived in England, close to where I grew up so I had full support network of family and friends, he had no one (not even a single representative from his family at our wedding). Although we were both settled in the UK, when we got the opportunity to come to Canada, we decided to give it a try. Now we are in a country where neither of us has roots, so we have discovered it together and it has been fun. The risk with this approach is that maybe both of you will be miserable! But for us it has been a very positive experience, we have been here over 7 years.

Almost Canadian

Sounds like a divorce waiting to happen. You didn't like England, he doesn't like Canada. Why do you believe it is best for him here?

ann m

The longer he is unemployed, the worse he is going to feel. That is your number one priority - both of you.

Going on for months and months saying "oh, something will come along" is enough to depress anyone, no matter where they are living. It may not exactly be his goal, but can he get a job in retail? Starbucks, Home Hardware, Canadian Tyre, anything at all. He needs to get out and meet locals and earn a wage, even if it is insultingly low compared to what he was doing before.

We know nothing of your relationship at all, but if you didn't particularly settle in the UK, and he's not enamoured with Canada - something has to give.

Edit to say very good luck to you!

JonboyE

I agree. A neutral third country has worked very well for us.

Geordie Lass

I agree with Ann M - I would say getting him a job is both your number one priority - if he is home alone all day that's hard (us SAHM's know that). That is if he is desperate to get to get back to work?

I would also be trying to make a network of friends for you both - could he come on here and meet up with some of the lads that live local? there is bound to be at least a couple?

I have found some friends on here - it's been great - 2 which I met while I was over in Calgary on holiday and two since that I will meet once I get there.

Being lonely is very depressing so I would say get him to make a real effort to meet some people and it also means he has an ear to talk to about how difficult other expats found it in the early days.

Hope this helps

Westcoast gal

Hi there, well when we met, I explained what I was looking for etc and he agreed that we should move to Canada. I asked him time and time again if he was sure because I had no desire to move away for a long time. He said yes so long as he could find work in the police. I have a fantastic social system here and lots of family as my support. In England his family is very detached and he has no couple friends we could do things with.

We've got applications in various locations but it's a waiting game. Like I said I waited for 7 months before I found work there and that's with 5-6 agencies looking for me. I was extremely lonely there and isolated. I tried to make an effort with his family and was ignored essentially. here my family tries to include him in things but he won't have any of it. So he's isolating himself really. he says he feels like a nobody as he's not working which may be the case but I can't help him if he won't at least make the effort.

I make $20,000 more here, he would make $50 grand more here. When we have kids the support system is in place, more opportunities to do things because we'll have more of a disposable income. he could take flights home a few times a year. If i was in England with the wage we'd make I'd be able to afford maybe once a year if that.

It's a cultural thing as well for him as he's British Asian. he feels that the community here is too modern and have forgotten their roots. I explain to him that with the amount of immigration this country has seen through family class sponsorship the social map has changed and people have progressed. In the UK family class sponsorship is nearly non existent so the community has remained traditional because they've had no "new blood" so to speak.

I'm doing my best to help him settle and really all I can do is be supportive.

Optimistic Pessimist

I must be psychic, when I read the first post I did wonder if you were Asian. That can add another layer to the existing challenges of emigration.

Optimistic (Brit Asian).

Westcoast gal

You can say that again! I know that it's hard, coz I was in the exact position in terms of work, but I also had no family no friends and he at least does have family. It's his choice not to engage with them. ~frustrated~